So, where to begin? Things began trending sharply downhill around Christmas. Hospital was something I considered but really didn’t want to do, given the negative experiences I’ve had before. Things picked up a bit in February, but then crashed back down. I had a meltdown that exploded in the direction of an unfortunate friend, at which point I realized that it was really time for ECT, even though that would mean a psych ward inpatient stay.
I picked a hospital where I know the fewest people, and off I went to ER. What began as me going in voluntarily quickly went south when they moved me from the main part of ER to what is essentially the ER’s psych jail section. I ended up committed and in 4-point restraints, and they pinned one arm up above my head at an awkward angle. I kept crying out that it was hurting my arm, but they ignored me. I’d guess it took about half an hour before they moved that restraint to a more reasonable position. They didn’t remove the restraints until I was three sheets to the wind from the meds they jabbed in my arm (I would have gladly taken them orally to knock myself out, but they didn’t offer, because that’s the kind of shitty professionals they were).
I remained in the psych jail for most of the next day. There was nothing to do, so I spent all morning trying to slice open my wrist using pieces of eggshell from breakfast. It wasn’t enough cutting power to reach the artery, but I suspect I’ll have an ugly scar. Staff didn’t notice what I was doing or the pile of bloody kleenex and eggshell bits I was accumulating, because as long as I was lying there not making a fuss, no one gave a shit. I tried to strangle myself with the ties on my gown, but I couldn’t get it tied tight enough to cut off circulation.
On the evening of day 2, they transferred me to the stabilization unit, which was slightly less jail-like, although I was still on camera the whole time. On day 3, they transferred me to one of the inpatient units. I have no access to my phone; I’ll need to get “privileges” from the psychiatrist to get some limited access to it. There’s a computer for patient use, but I can’t check my email because Google is demanding two-factor authentication, which is annoying.
I had hoped to get ECT started quickly, but no one seems to have any interest in making that happen, and I’m still waiting on a consultation with an ECT psychiatrist. They increased my meds, which I wanted, but no one felt the need to show me that little bit of respect and tell me what they were doing.
So yeah, not feeling very good about things thus far, and it’s been pretty damn dehumanizing. When this is what help is, no wonder people don’t want it.
Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last update post. I haven’t read them yet, but I will eventually, and I do appreciate all of you.
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts Ashley Leia.
Thank you xo
Your hospitalization has weighed heavily on me and now hear this sickens me. How could they not notice? That is absurd!! Please Ashley, do not continue physically harming yourself. I sit in tears thinking of the mental anguish you are experiencing. I love you dearly and hope the next report finds your treatment in a more aligned direction.
Thank you ❤
My prayers are with you for strength and clarity. Stay strong! Your story is so close to mine but I haven’t had the confidence to divulge the beyond-evil details of oppression by mental health professionals toward us educated and functional advocates trying to create change for marginalized people. You’re one of my heroes and we need your voice to effect change. My background is law and it is time for hospitalization processes to be overhauled. No more getting away with patient abuse, violations of rights, and corruption (complete absence of an ethical compass) which lead to us subjected to bias, inaccurate diagnoses and medical records, and trauma simply from seeking HELP! I work in crisis triage and very few have your level of reach and knowledge. You can do this. You ARE doing this! Get through and tell your story in detail – the way you do – to document the brokenness of the systems that are being funded more than ever yet still operate as they did decades ago. Remember everything you’ve made it through – failing to seek help is not an option. You’re too valuable! ((HUGS))
Thanks so much. Yeah, there’s a whole lot of change needed.
This is horrifying! What a broken health care system. I’m so sorry you are suffering through your own turmoil as well as the indignities being inflicted upon you. Please remember there is an entire community of people who care for you and deeply respect your views. This is only temporary. You will get through to the other side of this situation, and you do have the power to bring these issues to light, if you feel strong enough to do so. The priority, of course, is your own health. Praying for you to feel better soon❤️
Thank you ❤
Sounds like they’re not making this easy for you. Hope you’re able to find some relief regardless.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story, a place that should provide you comfort and support is down right abusing instead. You deserve to feel safe, supported and heard especially in the place that is there to offer you care in this exact type of Situation.
You shouldn’t have to be in this situation, you are strong as hell and a fighter! You can do get out of this, you have so much strength inside of you Ashley! You deserve a life you want to live out of that hell. Your feelings are valid and they deserve to be heard.
Those professionals don’t deserve to be professionals.
I am thinking of you and praying for you Ashley, your voice is so needed In this world. Your story deserves to be heard.
I am hoping there can be some restful moments for you soon ❤️❤️
Thanks so much ❤❤
Oh Ashley my heart feels for you. This is not what care should be like, it’s not care it’s abuse. It makes me ashamed of psychiatry. I hope they listen to you and you get what you need so you can get out of there – love and hugs to you 💗💗💗
Thank you. ❤❤❤
This is so horrific!!… ☹️ Thinking of you a lot.
Thank you ❤
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. It’s barbaric the way most mental health hospitals treat patients. I’d tell you to be your own advocate, but based on what you’ve wrote, they probably won’t listen anyway. Stay strong. We’re all here for you.
Thank you ❤
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and that the professionals (using that term lightly) just don’t seem to get it. Thank you for being brave enough to blog your truth. You are so amazing! Don’t ever forget that!! Sending you positivity and healing vibes!
Thank you xo
Thinking of you and sending hugs 🤍
Thank you. Hugs back ❤
Good luck Ashley, I send you strength and hope. I know you can make it through these challenges! ❤️
Thank you ❤
Sending you big hugs 🤗, much strength 🍀 and I really hope you’ll get all the help you need and want. ♥
thinking of you. It’s absolutely demoralizing the way they treat people who are in the midst of a mental health crisis. Stories like these are the reasons I fear going back to hospital ever again…xx
I don’t know why they don’t get it that it’s dangerous to give people such strong reasons to stay the hell away from hospital.
Is this happening currently?
Things have been better since I got transferred to the long-term inpatient unit, but I was pretty choked this morning when they had a security guard come as an escort when they took me over to get ECT. This hospital is fucked up.