So, where to begin? Things began trending sharply downhill around Christmas. Hospital was something I considered but really didn’t want to do, given the negative experiences I’ve had before. Things picked up a bit in February, but then crashed back down. I had a meltdown that exploded in the direction of an unfortunate friend, at which point I realized that it was really time for ECT, even though that would mean a psych ward inpatient stay.
I picked a hospital where I know the fewest people, and off I went to ER. What began as me going in voluntarily quickly went south when they moved me from the main part of ER to what is essentially the ER’s psych jail section. I ended up committed and in 4-point restraints, and they pinned one arm up above my head at an awkward angle. I kept crying out that it was hurting my arm, but they ignored me. I’d guess it took about half an hour before they moved that restraint to a more reasonable position. They didn’t remove the restraints until I was three sheets to the wind from the meds they jabbed in my arm (I would have gladly taken them orally to knock myself out, but they didn’t offer, because that’s the kind of shitty professionals they were).
I remained in the psych jail for most of the next day. There was nothing to do, so I spent all morning trying to slice open my wrist using pieces of eggshell from breakfast. It wasn’t enough cutting power to reach the artery, but I suspect I’ll have an ugly scar. Staff didn’t notice what I was doing or the pile of bloody kleenex and eggshell bits I was accumulating, because as long as I was lying there not making a fuss, no one gave a shit. I tried to strangle myself with the ties on my gown, but I couldn’t get it tied tight enough to cut off circulation.
On the evening of day 2, they transferred me to the stabilization unit, which was slightly less jail-like, although I was still on camera the whole time. On day 3, they transferred me to one of the inpatient units. I have no access to my phone; I’ll need to get “privileges” from the psychiatrist to get some limited access to it. There’s a computer for patient use, but I can’t check my email because Google is demanding two-factor authentication, which is annoying.
I had hoped to get ECT started quickly, but no one seems to have any interest in making that happen, and I’m still waiting on a consultation with an ECT psychiatrist. They increased my meds, which I wanted, but no one felt the need to show me that little bit of respect and tell me what they were doing.
So yeah, not feeling very good about things thus far, and it’s been pretty damn dehumanizing. When this is what help is, no wonder people don’t want it.
Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last update post. I haven’t read them yet, but I will eventually, and I do appreciate all of you.
You’re in our thoughts Ashley 🙏🏻😊
Thanks ❤
So sorry to read this. I hope you soon get well enough to go home. ❤️🙏
Thank you ❤
Oh Ashley. I have no words.
❤
thats so awful Ashley! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you get out of there quickly. It sounds like a fucking nightmare. Sorry people in the mental health field were so disrespectful towards you. Xx
Thank you ❤
While I believe what your mental state is, this is the best description of the the system and process I have read. May the force be with you.
Thank you.
Sounds an awful experience. I hope you get better help and support soon, so you can soon be home.
Thinking of you. Xx
Thank you ❤
So sorry you are not receiving better care 🖤
Thanks xo
Holy crap! Who is advocating for you? I have no words…
Me advocating for me. And I’m not going to shut up.
It’s so incredibly fucked up that those of us who WANT help get treated like animals with absolutely no respect or humanity. You’re experience is all to common. And it has to fucking change.
I wish I could say “I’m glad your safe” right now…but that is absolutely not the word choice I’d use.
I’m glad you’re still here. Keep fighting for yourself. You deserve it. I wish I could fight for you and knock some sense into those assholes.
Thanks, lovely ❤
Hang in there, Ashley. Am praying for you and will keep chair dancing for you until you are able. You will be okay. And, your friend, if they were a true friend will be there when you return. Take care of yourself as best you can. Just hate to hear you are going through so much hurt right now. The way folks with mental health issues are treated is outrageous and something needs to be done. It appears that it is societally acceptable to treat folks with mental health issues as less than human and not worthy of due diligence and care. But for the grace of God go us all. We have your back. I know that doesn’t help much now though….. 🙁
Thank you ❤❤❤
I’m sorry. And angry at the treatment you’ve received. I wish it surprised me. I’m sorry you felt desperate enough in care to be suicidal. I also hope you’ll get a quick ECT consult. Hospitals should be required to give access to an advocate 24-7 for mental illness patients.
I agree.
WTF, what sort of health professionals are they, are they doctors, “carers”, or thugs? Has there ever been a Royal Commission into this and/or people looking into structural changes?
We are all behind you Ashley!
P.S. Is a malpractice lawsuit an option for this sort of thing. (Possibly a bit overwhelming though.) It’s just so wrong.
Canada isn’t very litigious, so I don’t think it would go anywhere even if I tried.
The Mental Health Commission of Canada has looked into structural stigma, but there’s a lot of change that needs to happen on the front lines. I’ve made a complaint to the the hospital’s patient relations leader and am just waiting to see how she responds. I already made a complaint to the clinical nurse leader of the unit where I was restrained, and she seemed to recognize that they didn’t act appropriately.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Thanks for sharing with us what you are going through honestly and openly. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers…
Thank you ❤
Hello Ashley Leia, I am so horrified to hear of you trials in the place that is supposed to provide you sanctuary and support.
My prayers are with you. I will keep praying for peace to encompass you and carry you through this ordeal.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Sending you lots of hugs, love and good vibes.
Thank you ❤
I am grateful our paths crossed <3
Me too. ❤
🙂