So, where to begin? Things began trending sharply downhill around Christmas. Hospital was something I considered but really didn’t want to do, given the negative experiences I’ve had before. Things picked up a bit in February, but then crashed back down. I had a meltdown that exploded in the direction of an unfortunate friend, at which point I realized that it was really time for ECT, even though that would mean a psych ward inpatient stay.
I picked a hospital where I know the fewest people, and off I went to ER. What began as me going in voluntarily quickly went south when they moved me from the main part of ER to what is essentially the ER’s psych jail section. I ended up committed and in 4-point restraints, and they pinned one arm up above my head at an awkward angle. I kept crying out that it was hurting my arm, but they ignored me. I’d guess it took about half an hour before they moved that restraint to a more reasonable position. They didn’t remove the restraints until I was three sheets to the wind from the meds they jabbed in my arm (I would have gladly taken them orally to knock myself out, but they didn’t offer, because that’s the kind of shitty professionals they were).
I remained in the psych jail for most of the next day. There was nothing to do, so I spent all morning trying to slice open my wrist using pieces of eggshell from breakfast. It wasn’t enough cutting power to reach the artery, but I suspect I’ll have an ugly scar. Staff didn’t notice what I was doing or the pile of bloody kleenex and eggshell bits I was accumulating, because as long as I was lying there not making a fuss, no one gave a shit. I tried to strangle myself with the ties on my gown, but I couldn’t get it tied tight enough to cut off circulation.
On the evening of day 2, they transferred me to the stabilization unit, which was slightly less jail-like, although I was still on camera the whole time. On day 3, they transferred me to one of the inpatient units. I have no access to my phone; I’ll need to get “privileges” from the psychiatrist to get some limited access to it. There’s a computer for patient use, but I can’t check my email because Google is demanding two-factor authentication, which is annoying.
I had hoped to get ECT started quickly, but no one seems to have any interest in making that happen, and I’m still waiting on a consultation with an ECT psychiatrist. They increased my meds, which I wanted, but no one felt the need to show me that little bit of respect and tell me what they were doing.
So yeah, not feeling very good about things thus far, and it’s been pretty damn dehumanizing. When this is what help is, no wonder people don’t want it.
Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last update post. I haven’t read them yet, but I will eventually, and I do appreciate all of you.
Sorry to hear this. It sounds awful. I’m thinking of you.
Thank you.
Oh Ashley!!! Reading your post my heart truly goes out to go. I have been done this road so many time it hurts. I too suffer from medication resistant mental health. ECT treatments over the last 10 years is what has gotten me through. I too have gone through the same thing in hospitals. I hated to go. Your story though needs to get out there. Our medical system needs to change dramatically. I think that is one of the reasons I have become such a mental health advocate. The system is broken and only voices and action can change it. We have never met but I think we could become good friends.
I think so too. ā¤
I had my first ECT today, and they had a security guard as an escort when they took me over for treatment. I called bullshit on that. Apparently it’s routine here for security to escort people for tests, treatments, etc. I told them that sounds a whole lot like stigma. No way am I going to keep my mouth shut.
I have no words to express how sorry I am that things have been so hard for you. I am sorry that your experiences were so horrendous. I am hoping like hell you get the help you need as fast as possible. Keeping you in my thoughts Ashley.
Thanks so much ā¤
Brutal! Hope things get better fast.
You already know … I know how you feel. I’m sorry you had to go through this. ā¤
Thanks, lovely. I know you get it. ā¤
Thank you xo
I am so sorry, Ashley. A very hard story. As a mental health nurse I see that there are many practices that cross borders. In my case, I have spent years trying to humanize mental health practice and, although we are making great progress, there is still a long way to go.
I do not understand why mechanical restraints or why ECT as the first option.
Hopefully these practices end all over the world.
All the best!
Thanks so much. The ECT is actually at my request, because it’s what’s worked best for me in the past.
This is absolutely horrible. I can’t believe this is how you are treated when you voluntarily walk in and ask for help!
Yeah, it’s pretty bizarre.
How the eff do they expect folks to recover from severe depression when literally treating patients in this horrendous manner? You are in our thoughts, Ashley. You matter to all of us here on WP.
Thank you ā¤
Can we all do like a writing prompt on the wonderful person that is Ashley please…
I don’t even know how to do all that, but I would gladly take part in it. I’m going to do my next post about Ashley and what she means to me…
It is extremely sad and quite sickening to hear of the lack of care and just general malpractice going on. Animals get treated better f f s!!!
I just cannot stand that someone who is so caring herself gets treated in this way. When you just need some help….
It is not surprising you spiralled into self harm and seriously wanted to give up.
The next time they treat you like that, look at them directly in the eyes, and ask them: ” tell me please, is this how you would like to be treated?!”
Don’t give up Ashley please…
Stay strong šŖš»
ā¤ā¤š
Thanks so much. Love you. ā¤
Love you ā¤
https://predictablyunpredictablemusings.wordpress.com/2022/03/07/ashley-%e2%99%a1/?preview=true
Jesus fuck, Ashley. This makes every hospital visit I’ve had for physical health seem like a cake walk. I’m so damn sorry for how you’ve been treated since the moment you got to the emergency dept. I’d love to tell these dumb fucks about compassion for patients, something many seem to be lacking along with respect and consideration for their needs and wellbeing. I’m glad the meds have been upped as you wanted, but it’s a long wait just to see someone about ECT. I hope that happens as soon as possible. No more egg shells, Ashley. We need you around, okay? Sending lots of love your way xxxxxxxxxx
Had my first ECT this morning, and these dumbfucks had a security guard as an escort to take me for treatment. It’s bizarro world here.
Wow, these dumbfucks… omgfg
What a kind touch, a security guard to escort a patient in need. Must have pinned you as a trouble maker š What the fuck is wrong with some places? Makes you realise there’s a heck of a lot of change still needed in the mental health realm. I really hope ECT went as well as possible.
Yeah, definitely lots of change needed.
I thought the Canadian health system was more evolved than the U.S but apparently not. I am so sorry they’re treating you like a prisoner. You went in asking for help. WTF? I’m just now reading these posts. I’m hugging you from Washinton State. I’ve missed you.
Hugs back. š
Sorry to hear this Ashley!
Thank you ā¤
You are welcome Ashley! You are in my thoughts!
Can totally relate to this. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks.
O M G!! I hope you are doing better each day and that soon they let you out. Your story reinforces the reasons why some of us don’t actively seek ‘help’ from the local ERs. I got a slight taste of what you’ve had to endure when I was escorted to the ER Psych room (we’re too small to have a whole unit) by the police. I had merely told someone supposedly doing a physical that yes, I was depressed. Every day. Suddenly the cops showed up and I’m followed to the ER, and then they stood around watching me until the on-call crisis worker showed up. Have I been as open with new medical personnel I encounter about my chronic depression? Nope. My god. Take care of yourself and know that we’re supporting you as you go through what has to be a very difficult time. I’m so sorry too.
Thank you. Yeah, professionals need to do a lot more to figure out what is actually a proportionate response.
I am so sorry that this is what “help” entails – should never be that way….. Speedy recovery please. We miss you!
Thank you ā¤
Hi Ashley, I am sad that things are getting hard for you. I always cherish how you take your precious time to leave me a blog comment every time I indirectly rant about something. I really appreciate all those comments because they makes me feel better and noticed. You are such a kind soul. I really hope that the staff there can take good care of you so that you don’t have to suffer unnecessarily. I hope you can feel the warmth from my comment here. Keep us updated wherever you can ā¤
Thanks so much, lovely. I really appreciate it. ā¤
Okay, keep in touchā¤ hugs hugs