As a writer, I enjoy playing with language. This post explores some of the more colourful terms terms for what goes on when the pants come off. I’ll try to leave out the mundane and stick with silly rather than offensive.
Female nether regions
I feel like there’s generally a lack of creativity when it comes to female nether regions. When I searched “slang for penis,” Google told me it had 30.9 million results, compared to 22.1 million for “slang for vagina.” Male names for vaginas are generally pretty lame, and it’s more interesting to hear women talk about their vaginas, as in The Vagina Monologues.
I’m curious, though, have you ever vajazzled your va-jay-jay? Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt was the one who really got the vajazzle party started in 2010, while va-jay-jay apparently got going in 2006 in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
The dumbest vagina name I’ve heard is box. Anyone who thinks that someone’s vagina is boring enough to be called a box doesn’t deserve to be getting anywhere near said vagina.
Panty hamster is a creative name that I hadn’t come across before, but it doesn’t actually make any sense. Coin purse, okay, it’s dumb, but I get it. But panty hamster? The nutritional supplement company Olly decided to jump on board the panty hamster express, using that term in an ad campaign for its Happy Hoo-Ha probiotics (you can take a look on The Sun’s website). I don’t think I’d be inclined to buy anything for my hoo-ha from a company that thinks there’s a hamster living down there.
Anyone remember Monica on Friends talking about her “flower”?
I’m a fan of hoo-ha for non-sexual talk of the vagina, mostly because I just like the sound of it.
Male nether regions
Names for the male genitalia were clearly created by men, and for the most part, men who thought very highly of themselves.
We’ve got mythical creatures, like the basilisk and Cyclops.
Then there are assorted military terms, like tank, battleship, landmine, grenade, sniper rifle, and nuclear missile.
Then there’s a little American patriotism thrown in, like the Nebraska State Capitol, the Washington Monument, and the Lincoln Memorial. The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall, which makes for quite the hyperbole. Keep that nonsense way the hell far away from my hoo-ha.
We’ve also got assorted critter names, like mongoose, anaconda, and elephant. And I suppose baloney pony counts as a critter. Whether anyone would want to ride said-named pony is a whole other question. Oh my, I just realized that anaconda made an appearance in Sir Mixalot’s Baby Got Back (“my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun” 🎶)!
Some names are easy to combine, as in Mr. Johnson was using his hammer to nail his skin flute into his floppy drive.
Then there’s purple-headed yogurt slinger, which is just weird and gross.
Masturbation
There are a lot of terms for masturbation; one site listed over 500, which of course are mostly male-related. Not that females don’t diddle the skittle, but I suppose we feel less of a need to give it dumb names. Many of the masturbation terms are variations of the same few things, but there were several more creative names that I hadn’t heard before:
- Bash the bishop
- Choking the chicken
- Going fishing with the man in the boat
- Adjusting the antenna
- Aiding and abetting a known felon
- Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
- Defrosting the fridge
- Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
- Unleashing the alabaster yak
I don’t think this yak has any interest in being anywhere near that vicinity.
And this one I’d heard before, but I wanted to mention it because I think it’s fun: double clicking the mouse.
Sex
I’d already heard of most of the sex terms I came across. Bumpin’ uglies is a personal favourite to refer to sex in a non-sexy way, because in a non-sexy context (as in without the horny version of beer goggles), it’s really not an attractive situation.
A few I hadn’t heard of before:
- Chesterfield rugby, which apparently is Canadian, although the only person I’ve ever heard use the word chesterfield is my grandma, so that’s just weird
- Rumpy-pumpy
- Grafting the forked tree
- Wango tango
Oral on a female
Some of the names for going down on a chick are rather out there:
- Barking at the ape
- Cleaning the fish tank
- Contacting the aliens
- Conversing with Moses
- Fence-painting
- Gorilla in the washing machine
- Talking to the canoe driver
I don’t know about anyone else, but Moses is not hanging out in my vagina. Nor are any apes or gorillas. And I’m not sure how a canoe would fit down there, much less a driver (although we Canadians are sensible enough to know that canoes don’t have drivers). Cleaning the fish tank sounds like a chore, and if someone feels like hanging out by my vagina is a chore, they don’t deserve to be there. Fence-painting, on the other hand, sounds like it could be promising.
Oral on a male
Then there’s going downtown on a dude. Most terms were, like the penis terms, clearly invented by guys who thought excessively highly of themselves. Some of the ones I hadn’t heard of are:
- Addressing the court
- Climbing the corporate ladder
- Polishing the trailer hitch
- Honkin’ bobo
- Giving Big Jim and the twins a bath
That last one sounds like a surefire way to make sure that Big Jim and the twins are staying bone dry.
Cock holster is a term for a mouth that serves as a receptacle for penises; according to Urban Dictionary, this is US Marine Corps slang for mouth. I can imagine a drill sergeant shouting this to tell recruits to shut the fuck up.
Do you have any weird and wacky terms to add to the party?
Sources
- Mantality: 500+ Masturbating Euphemisms
- SheKnows: Can We Please Just Say ‘Vagina’ Instead of These 50 Other Slang Words?
- Thought Catalog:
- Wiktionary Thesaurus
- https://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/PenisTesticlesSlang.pdf (There’s no title, just a list of man junk slang on a Stanford University linguistic prof’s website)
The names are so true, but I couldn’t resist laughing. How do people come up with these names?
I have no idea. Bonus points for creativity, though!
🤣🤣🤣Oh this way too funny. Priceless. I hadn’t heard of most of these. The military references are hilarious.
I know, right?! 😁
Thank you for this awesome share. ❤👍👍
This post gave me a much needed laugh, or, lots of laughs! 😀
This is a pretty extensive list. Lol. Very nice!
I was pretty impressed by the list I came across that had more than 500 items. Clearly people like to make up words for this kind of thing!
And, news travels when doing so!
Lol
Hilarious 😂
I liked “aiding and abetting a known felon.” I’ve also heard “divining rod” and “immoral compass” if you want to throw those in for size (no pun intended).
Oh! I meant for the actual instrument, not for act of engaging the instrument. If you get my meaning. Btw I gave you a shout-out on my blog spiel.
The known felon rather than aiding and abetting…
Exactly.
I love hoo-ha! I also crack myself and others up by referring to the male anatomy as ‘twigs and berries’….hahahahaha…keep them twigs and berries away from my hoo-ha!…hahahaha….as you can see, I crack myself up….
My hoo-ha is quite happy on its own. It had its fun with twigs and berries back when it was younger, and now it’s quite happily closed up shop and changed into comfy pyjamas!
I thought the banana pic was hilarious, then I read the rest of the post 😆 I never, ever want to lose the childish immaturity of giggling about penises and slang terms for sex. They crack me up.
Panty hamster is weird. Unless they’re referring to a full bush looking like a hamster? Good job it’s not Panty Guinea Pig otherwise you’ll never look at Butternut the same way again.
I find names for vaginas usually a bit too airy fairy. I can’t get the word I want because my brain’s going too slowly. As though women are ashamed of it and have to call it “flower”, which I find a bit demeaning. Hoo-ha just sounds comical so I don’t mind that.
I hate it when a dick’s referred to as Cyclops. That’s just freakishly bizarre. Guys actually call their bits grenades and battleships? Yes, you can really see the difference in the terminology used : Nuclear Missile (for the big strong men) and Flower (for the wee dainty women).
As for the masturbation terms… where do people come up with these? 😂
The slightly posh slang for sex in England is having some “how’s your father”. I’m sure Freud would have something to say about that.
“Conversing with Moses” for female oral – I don’t get it at all but I strangely really like it!
I LOVE this post. The English language plus society equal some truly bizarre stuff! Definitely needed a chuckle today so thank you, Ashley. xx
“How’s your father”??? That’s all kinds of Freudian creepy!
“Hows your father” I have heard of. I have heard some of the other male terms.
“Pussy” I have heard for female. But not heard any of others than va-jay-jay.
Having a good giggle, while reading the post.
“Pussy” seem to be the most common of female term.
“How’s your father” is all kinds of yucky.
Yes, “How’s your father” is yucky.
Not quite the same thing, but my best friend in college had this ability to turn absolutely anything that someone else said, no matter how neutral or innocuous, into the dirtiest sexually suggestive joke with her response. It was a habit I picked up from her because we spent so much time together. I experienced some culture-shock when I graduated college (where everyone knew we were kidding) to the world outside college where people were talking my jokes seriously!
Yeah, I can see that not going over so well at work… 🤪
Funny.
Had many smiles.
You did an excellent research.
Maybe These thing are civilised way of addressing?.😂😂
Readers comments and observations too hilarious.
Enjoyed reading.
I love the creativity of all these names! 😀 While I may just be uneducated and unaware, I guess the problem with the disproportion between slang for male and female bits isn’t only an English-language thing, I think it’s the same in Polish because just off the top of my head I was able to think about more slang names for penis than for vagina that we have, although in general I don’t think we’re as creative with this as Anglophones. 😀 But actually the default medical Polish word for vagina is quite creative in itself. Wagina is in use too, but more often we use the word pochwa which literally means scabbard. I guess the most common creative slang name for vagina in Polish is mouse, and interestingly it’s also used in Swedish. Less creative individuals, usually male, just call it a hole. We have an online slang dictionary which is kind of like Urban Dictionary for English and, looking at it now, it claims that a slang word for vagina could be antimony (antymon in Polish), which is super weird and I’ve never heard of it! It also lists brooch, pieróg (singular for pierogi), purse/bag, peeer (or however that would be translated to English, but it implies that it’s something to pee with), gloomy burrow (wtf?) and chink, neither of which I’ve ever come across, and neither of which sound particularly cool to me. I quite like the most default slangy/colloquial way of referring to a vagina which is cip(k)a, or sometimes pipka, I guess it’s usually translated as pussy to English and it could be considered vulgar, especially cipa, but I think it largely depends on a context. I like the sound of cipka and that’s how I usually refer to mine, or pipka sometimes.
For a penis I’ve heard gems/jewels, nuts (more collectively for male genitals), tap/faucet, and I guess most commonly a lot of untranslatable words related to peeing. I’ve also heard single individuals refer to theirs as things like sceptre, eagle or lance, and I remember my friend Jacek from Helsinki used to call his Loki. 😀 The slang dictionary claims that things like lynx, magician, prince, python, spear, Fred, capuchin, Rumcajs (which was a main character from a Czech children’s cartoon from I guess 80’s) are a thing too.
Men seem to be obsessed with their penises. Family jewels and nuts are also used in English.
Antimony is weird. I wonder how someone ever came up with that. Gloomy burrow? That sounds like unnecessary hate for the vagina.
Lol some of these gave me a fit of the giggles! Very fun post, Ashley! Xx
Omg … almost peed my pants!! Cleaning out the fish tank is a bit harsh! I always remember my parents referring to my vagina as my ‘front bottom’ … I feel that’s not particularly helpful or pleasant!! Funny post. Loved it! ❤️❤️
I’ve heard front bottom before. I get it, but it’s lame.
I’m not a fan of the various slang terms that describe vaginas as being fish-like. Fishy is generally not a good thing, so if someone wants access to that area, step it up a notch!
Agreed.
Surprisingly, I’ve never heard of bumpin’ uglies and I usually know a lot of slang! Hanky panky is another for sex, and boink
I’ve heard those two, and I quite like boink. Maybe bumpin’ uglies is just a North American thing.