It can be easy to assume self-care is just bath bombs and spa days, but as lovely as they may be, they’re just a small part of a much bigger picture.
Let’s start with a couple of definitions for self-care from Google Dictionary:
- “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health”
- “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress”
Self-care doesn’t require self-love, or even a lot of self-like. Part of being human is needing to take care of ourselves, or, if we’re unable, have someone else take care of. When we’re kids, we needed adults to take care of us until we learn to do it ourselves. As adults, we don’t stop needing to take care of ourselves, but that doesn’t stop it from getting pushed down to the bottom of the priority list. All the popular fluffy connotations probably don’t help with that.
Health
The World Health Organization has defined self-care as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” This includes fundamentals like hygiene, nutrition, living conditions, social connections, and lifestyle.
Basic self-care to maintain health can include:
- nutritious food
- clean water and adequate hydration
- physical activity
- avoiding harmful substances
- hygiene (e.g. handwashing)
- being informed about your health
- getting adequate sleep
- taking medications or other treatments as appropriate
No bath bombs there, but it’s super-important for your health.
The International Self-Care Foundation has come up with this fancy little diagram to illustrate health-related self-care.
Psychological health
This can include attending to your thoughts and emotions, stress and relaxation, and spiritual wellbeing, as well as nurturing important relationships.
Different forms of therapy have lots of different tools to help you keep your head healthy; my previous post on therapy tools has some ideas.
Mindfulness matters for self-care. Half-watching Netflix while scrolling social media, worrying about something you have to do tomorrow, ruminating on how you screwed something up yesterday, and mindlessly popping Cheetos into your mouth isn’t very mindful, but if you curl up with a furry friend, put on something to watch that’s likely to evoke emotions you need some more of, and savouring every bite of a yummy snack, that’s probably going to be a much more restorative experience. And on a side note, you people in non-Canadian countries that don’t have access to Hawkins Cheezies are seriously missing out.
Relaxation may seem low-priority in the grand scheme of things, but it’s really important to get the stress flowing out, not just in. Some ideas of relaxation strategies:
- restorative yoga
- massage (a favourite of mine)
- progressive muscle relaxation: Anxiety Canada has tips on this; I like a variation involving tensing the muscles of the entire body starting from the toes and moving all the way up to scrunching up the face, then releasing tension from the head back down to the toes
- meditation
- deep breathing
- visualization
- listening to music
- doing artwork or other creative activities
- reading a good book
- watching with intention things that make you laugh or inspire you
Boundaries
Self-care isn’t all about feeling good. Sometimes it’s making changes to make your life more manageable moving forward. Saying no can be a powerful self-care strategy to limit what you take on. Same with being assertive about your needs. Boundaries may not be high in short-term feel-good value, but in the medium- to longer-term, it can cut down your stress significantly.
Setting boundaries with yourself around social media use can be a great way to cut down on unnecessary stress. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but things don’t have to be comfortable to be self-care. And if you feel like you don’t have time for self-care, taking a social media break just might create that time.
News consumption is also a good thing to have boundaries around. Our world is a fucked up place, but setting boundaries around seeking out news can limit the exposure.
Boundaries can also be applied to the clutter that you allow into your life, whether that be physical or mental. If clutter is stressing you out, decluttering may feel more like work than self-core in the short term, but in the longer term, it’s absolutely self-care.
Adaptive vs. maladaptive coping
In the stress bucket model, self-care in the form of healthy coping strategies releases stress from the bucket. Maladaptive coping strategies, on the other hand, seem to release stress, but only end up siphoning it back up to the top of the bucket to create more stress. They create a bit of short-term ease, but it will come back to bite you in the butt.
The School of Social Work at the University of Buffalo has a list of positive and negative coping behaviours. The Working Mind also has a stress coping self-assessment to help you figure out if the strategies you’re using are indicative of psychological health, reacting, injury, or illness.
Self-care can involve indulgences and pampering, but that’s not necessary. Indulgences may even be maladaptive coping strategies in disguise. If a spa day is going to break the bank, that’s probably going to create ongoing stress that outweighs the temporary benefit of the spa time. Indulging in some amazing cheesecake can be fabulous if you enjoy it and then move on, but it can become maladaptive if it’s going to be followed by significant guilt or unhealthy compensatory strategies.
Self-care is not selfish
A common concern/criticism is that self-care is selfish. In fact, western society seems to have a hate-on for doing anything to meet your own needs rather than doing what other people expect of you. But when you’re flying, in the safety demo you’re always told to put on your own mask first before trying to help others. If you’re passed out from lack of oxygen, not only can you not help others, but others have to step in to help you. If you have a car and you don’t do maintenance work or even just put gas in it, it’s not going to be your friend for very long.
Self-care enables you to function at your best. If your best is already pretty impaired by something like mental illness, self-care becomes even more important. Neglecting self-care isn’t a no-consequences non-action; it can make your situation worse, and decrease your ability to meet the obligations you have to other people and the various roles you fulfill in the world.
If we consider mental illness cutlery, self-care can help to build up your spoon supply so you have more resources available to do other things. It can also help to minimize the fork cost of external stressors.
If self-care seems hard to add in, boundaries around news and social media might free up some extra time. You can try making a list of things to do so it’s not vague and airy-fairy and it’s easier to be intentional rather than default to the Netflix/scrolling/worrying/ruminating/Cheetos-popping combo. Making a plan can be a reminder that self-care should be taken seriously, and it deserves to be a priority. I’ve created a self-care ideas worksheet here.
Getting personal
These days, I’m pretty low-functioning overall, so I keep life pretty basic, which is good for me. I don’t like people, much less care what they think I should be doing, so I do what works for me and the guinea pigs, and self-care is pretty high on the priority list.
How do you fit self-care into your life, and where does it fit on your priority list?
Resources
- My Maintenance Self-Care Plan Worksheet from the University of Buffalo
- Relaxation Skills for Anxiety from the University of Michigan
- Self-Care Starter Kit from the University of Buffalo School of Social Work
- This TED Talks playlist includes talks emphasizing the importance of self-care.
- You Really Need to Relax: Effective Methods
The Coping Toolkit page has a broad collection of resources to support mental health and well-being.
I get my sleep in that I need in the day currently and I try to keep Sunday’s just for me. But my self-care just a lately can be not as I would want it and instead ignored.
Hopefully once the move is done it will be easier to fit in a little bit more self-care.
It will certainly be better with regards to sleep. Well it should do in theory. I will be able to go by my preferred time at night. Hopefully will not need to sleep regular in day, than a nap once a week.
That could make a huge difference.
It certainly will.
I did a post with a similar train of thought here about the different dimensions of self-care and how it’s far deeper than just the surface stuff, like face masks or taking a bath with candles. There’s so much more to it. I love how you’ve gone through Google and WHO definitions, as well as distinguishing it from self-love. I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose I equate at least trying to love yourself with self-care, because when we’re on the end of hating ourselves we’re less inclined to practice self-care. But you’re right, we still take care of ourselves, we do it all the time.
Self-care not being selfish is definitely getting more airtime these days, and I’m so grateful for that. I personally find I drown in guilt for no reason at the best of times, and thinking of taking the time to practice self-care (even if it is a face pack), seems selfish. Saying no to doing something that someone else wants me to do to help them out would also feel selfish. It’s easy for me to say the opposite to other people and show them how looking after yourself is logical, but it’s harder to apply to myself. I’m sure there are a lot of people that feel the same.
I tried to read the blogpost you linked to at the beginning, Cynni Pixy. I think you’ve missed the “ht” off the URL at the beginning. Just thought I should let you know.
Another fantastic, thought-provoking post, Ashley. xx
Loved reading this. Yes, a bubble bath isn’t my idea of self-care at all and I’d find it annoying to sit there as the water cooled. A hot shower and a hot cup of coffee to start my day are pretty essential self-care items, as well as attempting to avoid things that make me feel stressed, such as dating or too much socializing generally. I think, more than all these things, for me self-care is nurturing an attitude of “I am OK; I am doing enough” because I tend to beat myself up for not living up to my own expectations…
I think that kind of attitude is so important. Tea is a must-have for me, and baths don’t happen at all anymore because my boys’ cage is blocking access!
How do you fit self-care into your life, and where does it fit on your priority list?
I have trouble with the concept frankly. I’m working on this in therapy, but it just never felt right to me. Happily enough the recent diagnosis that my therapist is floating out there helps explain the reasons for many of my internal problems, not the least of which is self-care. It’s a long road.
I’m glad at least the explanation is making things clearer. I’m not sure if you saw it, but I did a post last week about what you had asked about.
Oh Ashley!! As a housekeeper, bath-bombs are my nemesis. They leave a chalky deposit that takes a lot of cream cleaner and elbow grease to remove.
I smiled when I saw the title of your post. This is a great article and such great advice…xx
Step away from the bath bombs!!!
Lately, I lock myself in my room and make music. I don’t function well at all, but just getting a beat down tends to make things a bit more manageable.
Thank goodness for things that make life more manageable!
Yeah, I often get confused in the process, but I like the challenge.
I love that you put the motorcycle helmet under the pillar for risk avoidance because it has a lot of meaning to me. I actually took my motorcycle course last weekend then decided not to go forward with it. Honestly, I’m too afraid someone will run me over, because bikes art nearly invisible to idiot drivers who don’t pay attention to their surroundings. You can be the best rider on the road and still don’t stand a chance against that 2-ton vehicle that decided to look right through you and go. The decision for me was heartbreaking, because I’ve wanted to ride for as long as I remember. After going through the pros and cons, I decided to use my motorcycle money for another fun, but safer activity.
I didn’t make the graphic, so I can’t take credit for that, but I agree about motorcycles. My brother has one and I’ve never ridden on it, not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t trust those 2-ton vehicles. A former coworker got in an accident that would have been minor in a car, but she was on her motorbike and ended up with a broken leg.
Yeah, I’m sad about it, because it’s fun to ride, but thoughts of getting in an accident were eating at me all weekend during the course. I decided to get into the next interest I had, which is kayaking. My life isn’t in other people’s hands with it, and I can mitigate my risk 🙂
Sounds fabulous!
A great post for Labor Day (US- not sure if that’s regional or not). As for me, my biggest self care lately has been honoring my office hours as I work from home. I even got a separate phone so I can turn off work calls, emails, etc. when I’m not within office hours.
Well done!
Excellent post Ashley!
Thank you!
Your welcome Ashley!
I have more maladaptive self care then true self care. I have airways struggled with it. Thank you for writing this as it showed me it doesn’t have to be tangible like a spa day but a mindset of expectations.
I often feel really guilty for not doing things. Not returning a text, not going for the coffee, not making the call, not getting into work that day! But it’s all part of self care isn’t it? I know there’s a balance between opting out/withdrawal and saying ‘no’ to protect ourselves … that’s the thing I find tricky. Finding the right balance for me. Xx
Balance can be a tough thing to find, that’s for sure.
Great info and reminders. I think a trip to Canada to discover these “Hawkins Cheezies” might one day be necessary. 😁😁
Definitely!
Wow I love what you have to say. For me self care doesn’t involve bath bombs. It does involve getting my nails done. As well whatever I need to do to keep me healthy.
Fabulous!