Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is written by Kristin Neff, a prominent researcher in the area of self-compassion. It includes research findings, a variety of exercises with room to complete them in the book, and stories from the author’s personal experience. The author draws on Buddhist teachings, and she writes that:
Suffering stems from a single source – comparing our reality to our ideals.
The book describes how self-criticism develops, and offers examples of how it can be essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting ourselves down in front of others to beat them to the punch, or by undermining our relationships out of the belief that others judge us the way our self-critic does.
The author presents self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism. She clarifies that this isn’t trying to feel good about yourself; rather, it’s about self-kindness, acknowledgement of our common humanity, and mindful awareness. It’s also not about self-pity, as self-compassion involves the recognition that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universally shared.
I was surprised by Neff’s argument that pursuing higher self-esteem isn’t necessarily useful. She pointed out various issues, including the promotion of narcissism and the fragility of having self-esteem contingent on things outside of our control. Self-compassion involves recognizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and we don’t need to define our worth.
The book addresses the question of whether self-criticism might be necessary to perform effectively, and I thought that really strengthened the argument for self-compassion. Neff points out that people actually do their best when they feel confident, and self-criticism undermines that. Also, self-critics tend to “self-handicap,” finding ways of doing things that will later give them an excuse for poor performance. While that doesn’t surprise me, I hadn’t heard of self-handicapping before.
One section of the book focuses on how self-compassion can improve interactions with others. This includes a chapter on improving things in the bedroom by letting go of sexual shame.
I quite liked the author’s approach to self-compassion. It doesn’t rely on being positive or having strong self-esteem, which makes it broadly accessible. Kind of like in Brené Brown’s books, Self-Compassion incorporates research findings, but not in a textbookish way. There are plenty of real-life examples to illustrate the concepts covered.
I think this would be a great read for anyone who struggles with self-criticism. And really, we could probably all benefit from a little more kindness toward ourselves.
There are a number of resources on the author’s website, self-compassion.org. Another good resource is the Centre for Clinical Intervention’s self-compassion workbook.
Self-Compassion is available on Amazon (affiliate link).
You can find my other reviews on the MH@H book review index or on Goodreads.
26 thoughts on “Book Review: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff”
I might revisit this book!
A friend gave me a copy several years ago and I didn’t like it.I think i scorned her, even! I didn’t feel self compassion had benefits and was completely pooh poohing it.
I’ve changed a great deal since then, so time for a re-read!
And you definitely deserve self-compassion!
I’m intrigued by the book, but I’m not convinced that ALL suffering comes from comparing our reality to our ideals.
We think Neff means that all suffering comes from not accepting what is real (ie: we wish this wasn’t happening; we wish x was happening instead of y). Essentially all suffering is from wishing things were different than they are.
Pain is inevitable as part is life. Suffering is seen as optional, caused by this rejection of what is, in favor of what we wish.
I’ve never been fully convinced of that Buddhist belief. It seems to me like there could be a fair bit of grey area between pain and suffering.
I’ve had a look on her website and listened to her on YouTube and to me she makes a lot of sense. As my self-critic can be very strong, I’ve found help in her statements. Sounds like a great book to have it all in one place. Is it a thick book, a quick read or something in between?
Medium, I think. It’s actually been a while since I read it. Amazon says it’s 320 pages, but I think there were a lot of pages at the end just with references. I don’t remember it feeling that long.
I am familiar with her! I like the premise. When our reality is out of alignment with our ideals (to paraphrase). It’s good stuff! Now, to reflect on that one, powerful statement.
And to bring the same compassion to ourselves as we would to another person struggling with the same illness – that’s good stuff.
Yes. Thank you for the reminder!
The quote about comparing our lives with the ideal woke me up.
Yeah, it’s definitely something I’ve struggled with.
Nobody has the ideal.
Sounds really interesting and I feel that self criticism is important if we are using it to grow, but too much of it is very unhealthy.
I think it depends on the purpose. Identifying and reflecting areas for improvement can be productive, but self-criticism that ignores the positives and focuses on knocking you down is unlikely to be helpful.
I’ve read some of her work years ago and found it very helpful. Thank you for the timely reminder to pick up her book again. 💕
Sounds interesting. Thanks for the review. 🙂
Sounds like a book I’ll love to get a hold of! Awesome review!
Thanks for this review: sharing tomorrow…
This one is on my tbr list! I am using her self-compassion work book now, which is also wonderful.
I haven’t checked that one out yet.