Book reviews, Mental health

Book Review: Self-Compassion

Book cover: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is written by Kristin Neff, a prominent researcher in the area of self-compassion.  It includes research findings, a variety of exercises with room to complete them in the book, and stories from the author’s personal experience.  The author draws on Buddhist teachings, and she writes that:

“Suffering stems from a single source – comparing our reality to our ideals.”

The book describes how self-criticism develops, and offers examples of how it can be essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting ourselves down in front of others to beat them to the punch, or by undermining our relationships out of the belief that others judge us the way our self-critic does.

Self-compassion is presented as an alternative to self-criticism, and Neff clarifies that this isn’t trying to feel good about yourself.  Rather, self-compassion is about self-kindness, acknowledgement of our common humanity, and mindful awareness.  She also explains that self-compassion isn’t about self-pity, as it calls for us to recognize that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universally shared.

I was surprised by the argument that the pursuit of higher self-esteem isn’t necessarily useful.  Neff pointed out various issues, including promotion of narcissism and the fragility of having self-esteem contingent on things outside of our control.  Self-compassion involves recognizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and we don’t need to define our worth.

The book addresses the question of whether self-criticism might be necessary to perform effectively, and I thought that really strengthened the argument for self-compassion.  Neff points out that people actually do their best when they feel confident, and self-criticism undermines that.  Also, self-critics tend to “self-handicap,” finding ways of doing things that will later give them an excuse for poor performance.  While that doesn’t surprise me, I hadn’t heard of self-handicapping before.

One section of the book focuses on how self-compassion can improve interactions with others.  This includes a chapter on improving things in the bedroom by letting go of sexual shame.

I quite liked the author’s approach to self-compassion.  It doesn’t rely on being positive or having strong self-esteem, which makes it broadly accessible.  Kind of like in Brené Brown’s books, research findings are incorporated, but not in a textbookish way.  There are plenty of real life examples to illustrate the concepts covered.

I think this would be a great read for anyone struggling with self-criticism.  And really, we could probably all benefit from a little more kindness toward ourselves.

The author’s website is self-compassion.org.

Self-Compassion is available on Amazon.

You can find my other book reviews here.

Bring self-compassion, part of the COVID-19/mental health coping toolkit

I’ve pulled together some more resources on self-compassion on the COVID-19/mental health coping toolkit page.

This post contains affiliate links that let you support this blog at no extra cost to you..

26 thoughts on “Book Review: Self-Compassion”

  1. This sounds like a great book, and I approve of having high self-compassion rather than high self-esteem, if that works for someone!! I find it interesting that there’s a correlation between high self-esteem and narcissism! I’ve thought that narcissistic people would be more prone to low self-esteem or back-and-forth self-esteem. In my mind, people whose self-esteem is too high (and only too high, no back-and-forth) could be egotistical, but narcissists just take it to a whole new level of manipulation and cruelty, etc. I don’t mind people who are overly confident, unless they go around knocking others down to keep that “boost”. But I bet the author is more clear about it in the book!! Interesting book review!! Sounds like a very helpful book!! We should all treat ourselves with compassion!!

    1. One school of that narcissism can be stable or unstable. Stable is when there’s very high self-evaluation, and unstable is where they’re compensating for underlying insecurity.

  2. I might revisit this book!

    A friend gave me a copy several years ago and I didn’t like it.I think i scorned her, even! I didn’t feel self compassion had benefits and was completely pooh poohing it.

    I’ve changed a great deal since then, so time for a re-read!

    1. We think Neff means that all suffering comes from not accepting what is real (ie: we wish this wasn’t happening; we wish x was happening instead of y). Essentially all suffering is from wishing things were different than they are.

      Pain is inevitable as part is life. Suffering is seen as optional, caused by this rejection of what is, in favor of what we wish.

  3. I’ve had a look on her website and listened to her on YouTube and to me she makes a lot of sense. As my self-critic can be very strong, I’ve found help in her statements. Sounds like a great book to have it all in one place. Is it a thick book, a quick read or something in between?

    1. Medium, I think. It’s actually been a while since I read it. Amazon says it’s 320 pages, but I think there were a lot of pages at the end just with references. I don’t remember it feeling that long.

    1. I think it depends on the purpose. Identifying and reflecting areas for improvement can be productive, but self-criticism that ignores the positives and focuses on knocking you down is unlikely to be helpful.

  4. I’ve read some of her work years ago and found it very helpful. Thank you for the timely reminder to pick up her book again. 💕

Leave a Reply