Who is the Should Monster? It’s that voice inside your head telling you what you should do to live up to expectations—your own expectations of yourself, as well as what you think that others (and the world in general) expect of you. Shoulds can consume a lot of mental energy, so let’s chat about them.
What shoulds are
According to Google Dictionary, “should” is “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions,” for example when “indicating a desirable or expected state.”
Should is a very social verb (although for our purposes, I’m going to use it as both verb and noun). If I’m living in a cave in the middle of nowhere, shoulds become irrelevant; there are no shoulds in isolation. Survival comes down to what we must and must not do. Should starts to muddy things up when it comes to social norms, and comparisons between what’s deemed acceptable/desirable and unacceptable/undesirable.
For all of us, there are things we want in life and things we need. Some of those needs might be indirect; we need a source of income not because we need money, but because money is required in order to have shelter and food. Wants might include pleasurable things like a hot fudge sundae, or more profound things that are in keeping with our values.
The Should Monster
The Should Monster isn’t interested in needs; he’s all about social expectations. I think this particular monster in the image above is a he, but that’s not especially important. Shouldy doesn’t help to propel you forward. When he’s not busy scratching his own rear end, as he appears to be doing in the graphic above, he’s got his finger claws digging into your back, and those pedicured toe claws are digging into your butt. Plus he’s snorting his nasty messages in your ear. He makes it harder to get anything done.
I’d say that’s probably the key defining feature of the Should Monster. Instead of giving you motivation to do things, he drags you down and makes it extra-difficult to do whatever he’s snorting in your ear that you should do. Psychologist Albert Ellis described cuddling up to Mr. Shouldy as musterbation, and shoulds are considered a type of cognitive distortion in cognitive behavioural therapy.
The shoulds that are associated with broader societal expectations are very hard to change; we can’t wave a magic wand and rejig our whole society. What we can change, though, is the extent to which we internalize those shoulds as fodder for the Should Monster. We may not be able to change how others view us if we violate those shoulds, but we can control the extent to which we judge ourselves based on adherence to what the Should Monster tells us. There’s something very freeing about being able to just not give a crap what other people expect, although of course, that’s easier said than done. I tend to do this by just not liking most people, although that’s probably not all that healthy either.
When it comes to smaller social groups, it could potentially be easier to nudge certain shoulds in a different direction. There’s also the possibility of leaving the social group. While this may be quite difficult, there is still some element of control.
Shoulds we impose on ourselves
In many cases, externally imposed shoulds pale in comparison to the shoulds we heap upon ourselves. These may be external shoulds that have become more extreme through the lens of mental illness, or they may be shoulds we’ve cooked up all on our own. These shoulds are likely to influence overall self-evaluation, forming connections that really should be there in the first place.
We often start to judge ourselves based on those shoulds, concluding that we’re “not good enough.” That might be what the Should Monster wants you to think, but that “good enough” bar is entirely subjective.
Examples of common shoulds
Let’s have a look at some common shoulds, inspired by a post on Dr. David Burns’ Feeling Good site.
Should Monster: “You should be a better blogger, writer, pet parent, etc., etc.”
There will always be someone who’s better than you at all of those things, just like there will always be someone who’s worse. There are over 7.5 billion people in the world. Chances are that at least a billion of them are better than you at something, and at least a billion of them are worse than you at something. Tell Shouldy to go bug some of those people instead.
Should Monster: “You shouldn’t judge people.”
We judge people. That’s what our brains do. Whether you choose to take those judgments seriously is a whole other matter, but if you try to put the kibosh on the process altogether, you’re just going to end up being so focused on judging yourself for judging that you’ll lose sight of the fact that Shouldy is flexing his judgmental claws in your butt.
Should Monster: “You shouldn’t make mistakes.”
Give the Should Monster the middle finger by intentionally making a mistake right now. Like this tpyo. Bite me, Shouldy!
Should Monster: “You should find time to do more [X].”
There are a few options here. You could figure out a way to schedule [X] in over the next week so that you actually do it; you could decide that it’s low on the priority list, so it can sit on the back burner; or you could spend so much time snuggling with the Should Monster that not only do you not to [X], but you actually get less of other things done as well.
Should Monster: “You shouldn’t feel [X].”
All the while, the Should Monster is feeding you with a steady stream of feeling [X]. Suppression doesn’t work. The best way to get [X] to start dissipating is to kick Shouldy to the curb.
Should Monster: “Other people shouldn’t be so stupid.”
Maybe they shouldn’t be, but they are. You don’t need to look far to find plenty of proof of that. But unless Shouldy takes flight and starts sprinkling smart juice down over the world, you might be better off just accepting the stupid and working around it as best you can.
Should Monster: “People shouldn’t support this (or that) political candidate. They should see what a loser she (or he) is.”
This one is in quotes because it’s straight from Dr. Burns’ site, and I thought it was funny because Shouldy and I are enthusiastically doing the cha cha together on this one. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck because it is a duck, and yet some people choose to see a pterodactyl, that’s a bigger issue than the Should Monster.
Should Monster: “Partner shouldn’t be so [X].”
Perhaps partner shouldn’t be so [X], but maybe you shouldn’t be so [Y]. The Should Monster doesn’t have the skill set to help sort that out. It would be like asking me to build a house for you—not a pretty picture.
What’s the alternative?
A crucial first step in challenging the should monster is to recognize how often you’re using them. And trust me, you’re probably using them A LOT. So pay attention to your inner dialogue, or the things you’re writing down in your journal. Work on having a finely tuned should radar so they don’t regularly slide by unnoticed.
It can help to recognize that the Should Monster is in our heads and objective reality is what’s going on outside our heads. CBT involves looking for objective evidence to support what Shouldy is saying. This is the kind of evidence that an outside observer would be able to see and acknowledge.
Shoulding often revolves around extremes like “always” and “never”, which are also a form of cognitive distortion. Real life is seldom that black and white, so try to deliberately look for the grey area.
The Should Monster may tell you that must do something right now, but if you take a longer view, will it matter a year from now whether or not you do what Shouldy is telling you to do today? It is possible to say no to shoulds (and you can read more about it in the post The Power of Saying No to Shoulds!
We all screw up. We all fail. Consider that when the should nunchucks are flying, you may end up missing opportunities for learning and growth. Self-flagellation is a lot less productive than the Should Monster would have you believe that it is.
Go away, Shouldy!
My own key defences against the Should Monster are my independence and stubbornness. I quite actively fight it when other people tell me what I Should do, and it seems to translate pretty well to keeping Shouldy subdued. It’s my party and I’ll be judgy if I want to.
Do you have any Should Monster repellant strategies that you use?