People had a lot to say in response to my recent post Suicidality and Other People’s Perspective, so I thought it would be good to have another down and dirty chat about the reality of dealing with suicidal thinking (and sometimes attempts). In this post, we’ll talk about the tendency to be impulsive and engaging in drawn-out, detailed planning. I won’t talk about specific methods, but I will refer to attempts, so skip this post if you’d rather not go there.
I first experienced suicidal ideation and attempted suicide back in 2007, when I had my first major depressive episode. I’m a planner in general, so it’s not really surprising that I was a planner when it came to suicidality. Back then, though, the thoughts and feelings were new and unfamiliar to me, so I didn’t really know what to do with them. The closest I came to an impulsive attempt was at a point during that year when I was barely managing to hold it together, and a major part of my support system suddenly stepped out of the picture (which ended up only being temporary). The suicidal thinking had endured for several months at that point, but that particular decision to act was prompted fairly abruptly.
I got sick again in 2011, but I didn’t start having suicidal ideation until a few months into that episode. At that point, it no longer felt new and scary. Since then, any time I’ve felt suicidal, it’s been a steady buildup without many significant spurts of impulsive urges. When things get to the point where I’m considering taking action, that’s when the planning kicks in. A pattern I’ve noticed is that I set decision milestones, although I’m not sure if that’s the best way of putting it. I make a decision that I can keep going until date A or thing B happens. If, when date A or thing B comes along and I feel like I can keep going but just barely, I will set date C or event D to reevaluate. If life still feels really unlivable, I might take steps to obtain means and set date C or event D as the next point to make a decision as to whether I can keep going to another target point or if things need to end.
Back in 2012, I was working at a job where I had weekends and every other Friday off. I decided that a Thursday night before a long weekend would be the best time to act, as that would give me the longest amount of time before anyone would notice my absence. For a couple of months, each Thursday morning before my Friday off, I would make a decision about whether or not I thought I could hang on for another two weeks. Eventually, it got to a point where I felt like I couldn’t.
Because I’m such a planner, I’m predictable to myself. I know I can endure extended periods of steady passive suicidal ideation (i.e. feeling like I’d be better off dead, but not making plans). I know that I can handle a couple of weeks of daily active suicidal ideation (i.e. thinking about methods) before I start setting decision milestones. I know that if I set a decision milestone, I’m not going to act before I reach that next target. Other people may unwittingly have an influence by delaying when a target event happens.
While I don’t tend to be impulsive, others do get intense impulsive suicidal urges that can be really hard to resist, and there’s a whole wide range of thoughts and emotions in between being mostly impulsive and mostly a planner.
So that’s me and my weird rigidity. Where do you tend to fit in on the range of impulsive to planned?
The Straight Talk on Suicide page has crisis and safety planning resources, along with info on suicide-related topics from the perspective of someone who’s been there.
Excellent job!
Thank you!
The things you think about.. I love the way your mind works minus the suicidal planning – just because that breaks my heart. But, on that subject, I can’t plan at all. Most anything I do is more of an impulse. I think that’s less torturous. But on a good note, that gives you time to change your mind which is a good thing!
It’s interesting how our minds all have their unique ways of working. But this kind of thing is probably pretty torturous regardless of how it happens.
Absolutely
I also tend to be a planner, but I think a part of that is a desperate attempt at self preservation. Like, if I plan it out, I’m also buying a bit of time, trying to compromise with myself that “if I can make it to this day, we’ll reevaluate then”.
I am impulsive in general, but when it comes to things like this, I tend to really try to be level headed and thought out.
Yeah, it’s not exactly the kind of thing you can undo once done…
I don’t have plans. The urge is there and it sucks when I’m going through that, but somewhere deep down, I know my feelings are only temporary.
I’m glad you’re able to hang onto that.
Thank you!
We’re like you. We find events and dates and tasks to postpone, to trick our brain into staying alive. Then we think of plans. But the greatest danger for us is when we don’t care who we traumatise by the fool-proof lethal method
Yeah, that’s definitely a dangerous place to get to.
So far we’ve not ever attempted because it’s a completely fool proof method and we saw the grisly results as a kid
That must have been horrible to be exposed to as a kid.
Yeah, I didn’t have a close up view, fortunately but it’s one of my formative memories. As a teen, there was another incident and I’ll probably always remember dissociating, getting to class, then have classmates actually gleeful and wanting me to describe it.
That’s awful.
Whenever I remember that, I’m honestly stunned by those people
I’m always glad you exists and I know you’re glad i/we exist.
I think maybe sometimes depression is a terminal illness.
Not because I’m pro-suicide and I’m _extremely_ wary of euthanasia laws that will harm disabled people.
I blame society for systemic stuff that mean people can’t get the help they need, be it Mental, physical, living situation, circumstances in life etc.
I think depression definitely can be a terminal ilness.
💌💌💌💌💌💌💌
I would definitely plan it as I don’t have the means to do it impulsively. But since I quit dating the thoughts have been rare…
Good to stay away from all of that nonsense!
It’s a matter of survival! And I know people mean well when they say they hope I find someone (even my daughters say it at times), but I’m not sure that would be good for me at all!
I also plan to stay far away from all of that for myself. I can barely manage existing as a single human; being a coupled human would not be doable.
I didn’t skip this post but I’d rather not go there. Tho it is nice to know that all I have to do is stop taking one of my medications to stop being here. It’s been a weird day.
That’s too bad about the weird day.
I am a planner as well. Even when I was very young the first impulse drove me to plan because I didn’t have the materials I needed. After working that out, that was the plan for years. I do believe I have some self-preservation instincts because I have created timelines myself, but I also come from a family of three suicides that were impulse driven and I saw what that looked like and did to everyone. I am curious if anyone dreams of suicide. I used to have a reoccurring lucid dream where I had fashioned a machine that got modified over time.
That self-preservation instinct can be very strong. I had come up with a method that I’d kept in the back of my mind for several years, but when I decided to actually carry it out, primitive brain was screaming “no!!!!” and I couldn’t do it.
I’ve never had dreams of suicide, or if I have, I don’t remember them.
I think I was a bit of a planner when it came to my first time of being suicidal. But not proper planning. It was mainly a couple of ideas and deciding which one I was going to go for. I didn’t plan when I would do it. But I was fighting to stay alive more so than anything then contemplate the idea in mind.
I also didn’t want to put my friends through what I experienced with my mum and also any innocent person that would have been affected had I proceeded.
I’m glad you made it through those times.
Thank you.
I’m totally a planner with everything in my life. I’ve never attempted but at times felt like I couldn’t do this thing called life anymore. I would also pick future dates I would push off those feelings to. I’ve always gotten through it. I worry more about my daughter who is very impulsive and has attempted before. I never once expected or saw it coming. I’m hoping over time she will somehow get beyond it. I want to live, I want her to live, and I want you to live too. I really enjoy your posts and how you are willing to talk about difficult things.
Thank you xo.
I hope both you and Arabella are able to continue to find ways to keep going.
As someone who can read all these posts and it feels like I could have written them, please keep in mind there is a new, simple Suicide Lifeline Number: 988. That’s it . . . dial 988. Keep in mind that many people VOLUNTEER to be there for anyone who needs this help. https://988lifeline.org/
I appreciate the links above as well. Just remember . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 8 for you or anyone else.
I’m trying to help myself remember – lol – NINE, EIGHT, EIGHT. That sounds like a former presidential candidate’s slogan. /facepalm. Thank you all for posting – so much.
Still another year to go before 988 is implemented here in Canada, but at least it’s coming.
“Thanks for the clarification,” says the American, as he rolls his eyes at himself for being the stereotype (at least momentarily) he so desperately despises . . . oops! I promise – I was just looking at a map of the world (including Canada) an hour ago. I have this on my wall at home so I don’t forget the USA is not the only country in the world 🙂
So, we in the USA have the “fancy” number now – but I wonder if mental health care in Canada is better than in the USA, i.e. more available and cheaper?
Psychotherapy isn’t covered as part of the public health care system, so that’s a major flaw. In terms of services that are covered under the public health care system (e.g. hospital, seeing a community psychiatrist) doesn’t cost anything and what you can access isn’t determined by what insurance you have, but availability is variable.
That’s not perfect but better than not having hospital, etc. covered. Intensive outpatient therapy *with* insurance runs about $2,000 – could be more depending on insurance – without, who knows, maybe $6,000. Hospital w/o insurance – would be insane. Still, these things should be free to every person on the planet, period. If nothing else, it would send a message that everyone thinks it’s important, and that’s a big counter to anyone with low self esteem to begin with.
I agree.
I can live in ideation and suicidality for some time, but I’m not a planner when it comes to what happens, when it becomes too much. Impulsivity married with ideation and tendencies is not a great combination. All of my attempts occurred during periods of extreme depression and high ideation, but the act was a moment of impulse.
Scary stuff.
Ashley your post brings solid and needed information to this very misunderstood and difficult topic. You write with such clarity and truth. Iam glad you are so genuine and real.
Thanks so much 💕
💗💗
As I’ve told my son before, at times when we are both struggling with motivation to keep going, “we’ll just figure this out together.” Not feeling alone is SO important yet so difficult to avoid for some of us.
The worse my depression is, the more I tend to actively dislike people, which makes that aloneness hard to avoid.
Hmm. Based on my brain function, I think I actively dislike myself, especially compared to those who seem to be OK and likely don’t seem to notice what I am going through. One of the most insidious parts of mental illness, at least to me, is not being able to trust my own brain when I’m not doing well. And, yes, that it’s me in isolation rather quickly, to avoid all the “disliking” that happens for whatever reason.
To *some* extent, I think as can retrain our brains, but it’s largely management. The question then is, for me, isolating, choosing to be alone, ever a good thing? I think I posted about that recently. Idk. It all runs together. 🙂
For me, disliking myself isn’t generally a major issue, because when I’m really unwell, I feel like I’ve lost access to my actual self, and illness is all that’s left in my brain. And I tend to feel better when I’m alone, and worse when I’m around other people because it’s exhausting.
Yes. That makes sense. I think self-dislike is one of many phases, for me before the phase you are talking about. So, if I can get myself out of that quickly enough, I can avoid getting to the worse place. That is where individual brains and circumstances will diverge yet can end up in the same place. But, for me, that’s kind of cool in its own way, if that makes any sense at all. I can relate to all these posts even though we got here in different ways.