Do you make judgments when things are going well? If you do, that can stir up meta-feelings. Like metacognition is thinking about thinking, meta-feeling is feelings about feelings.
Mental illness, or even a lot of stress, can mean extended periods of time feeling rather yucky. Periods of feeling good, or at least better in a relative sense, maybe only come every now and then. Because they may be on the rarer side, we’re likely to notice them and then react to what we’re noticing.
Feelings vs thoughts
As a quick detour, we often talk about feeling something when we actually mean thinking. Emotions can usually be described in single words. If you need a whole phrase to say it, it’s probably a thought rather than an emotion.
Primary emotions jump up automatically in response to whatever is going on, and then, based on what we think about those emotions, we respond with secondary emotions or meta-emotions. You might feel guilty, ashamed, angry, or fearful for feeling [X]. There’s nothing you can do about feeling X, because your body is generating that response before you even feel it. However, the guilt, shame, anger, and fear are all modifiable.
Let’s throw in a little bit of mindfulness, too. Primary emotions occur in the present moment. Secondary emotions are likely to involve time-travelling, hauling the past or future in where it doesn’t belong.
Reacting to feeling good
So, here we are, we’re present, and our primary emotion is something good. What meta-emotions are likely to kick in as you react to that feeling good/better? Here are a few ideas.
- Guilty: How can I feel good when there’s still x, y, and z that I should be doing, plus mom’s going through her chemo, so she’s the one who deserves anything good I can come up with.
- Ashamed: I’m a horrible person. How dare I feel good? Look how many people are suffering in the world right now; I shouldn’t be feeling good when people everywhere are dying from COVID.
- Distrustful: Feeling good? I haven’t felt good in months, or maybe even years! I must not actually be feeling good. It’s probably just a sugar high from all the peanut butter cups.
- Skeptical: It’s been ages since I last felt good. There’s no way this is going to last more than maybe an hour before the shit tide comes right back in.
- Fearful: What is this feeling? I don’t know what this is. Is it a sign that something bad is about to happen? The calm before the shitstorm?
- Pleased: I’m glad I’m feeling good. It’s about time.
There are probably more options, but that’s what sprung to mind. I generally fall into the skeptical category, on the lookout for the shit tide. The healthy reaction would be the last one, but come on, who does that?
Do any of these familiar to you?
There’s more on emotions in the post Identifying Emotions.
The Coping Toolkit page has a broad collection of resources to support mental health and well-being.
I use to get anxious about anxiety. That led to a few problems for the therapist to untangle. I also feel guilty from time to time when I catch myself feeling good. I’m getting better at both. Practising acceptance has helped a great deal!
Seems like pretty much everything comes back to acceptance!
Yes! Have you read Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach? I can highly recommend if you haven’t
I have. It’s really good!
I’ve had these feelings and just started to notice them recently. It’s almost like feeling guilty for being happy, because others may not be happy. Or being afraid that your own happiness will annoy other people. Such a harmful form of self-abuse.
And so easy to do without even realizing it.
My big one is “undeserving.” How can I feel good if I have not forgiven myself for doing X when I was ill? The goal is to forgive myself for prior actions done when ill or because of ill. If I can’t forgive myself, then the underserving feeling trumps the happiness feeling. All the more reason to try to forgive the self, especially when acting out of illness.
Sorry – that’s undeserving above….
For sure.
I think I have been feeling guilty a lot lately, guilty that I am not in a bad place compared to others? I just feel thankful and guilty at the same time. Emotions are confusing things!
I find it so interesting that people often naturally have that kind of guilt, because it’s totally illogical. Feeling bad or good doesn’t change anyone else’s circumstances, but the mind wants to go there anyway.
Guilt is big for me. I haven’t written enough or cleaned enough or chatted with friends enough or volunteered my time to important causes…
There’s always something… I just embrace selfishness at this stage of my life. Me first, me, me, me!
I used to be skeptical, but this was many years ago, way before I came into the blogging world.
I can remember feeling pleased, but can’t pinpoint when that was now, with me forgetful.
I have felt I don’t know if guilt, or just feeling bad that I couldn’t help a group, that’s close to my heart as much as I would like.
Yes, that’s hard, when you wish you could do something more but you can’t.
Yes and that’s researching for them, for certain things they are after to share on their Facebook group, as they gather evidence while campaigning regarding how those in care homes are treated.
I had to take time out cos I was doing stuff for mum, or the deputy side.
Oh yes, I remember when you were having to figure out how to deal with that.
Helping at rare moments, along with my own tweets. I shall have to email them and let them know what I can do.
That’s so important to be able to set those boundaries for self-preservation.
Yes, I think it could be why I had my big melt down too and just feeling like I had enough, because I was looking at the same stuff that I had been going through, so slowly getting to me over time and feeling low in the process.
It’s certainly been a lot you’ve had to deal with.
More than I thought I would ever have to deal with.
I don’t think I feel anything about how I feel – I might think about how I feel “Wow, I feel good, nothing is hurting today.” But I don’t feel about my feelings. I don’t think…
“Nothing is hurting today” – that’s a thought worth having.
Now i feel guilty because i feel pleased when i feel good 😂😂
Lol
I have at some points in my life have felt guilty about being critical of myself and also others. That led to many bridges being burned and now a feeling of regret.
“Too soon old, too late smart” , as the saying goes!
I haven’t heard that saying before, but how fitting!
Oh my, I grew up hearing that saying. Not sure of who to give credit for it though.
I love this!!! Love how you make me THINK! Your words are sooooooooo needed. We need to be challenged. Awesome! More please and thanks. Love this!!!!!!
Thoughts vs. emotions. Pain vs. pleasure. When does the longevity begin (and end)?
I’m not sure what you mean by longevity.
I was just referencing to the start and end of our thinking selves, as well as, our feeling selves. Where they begin and end type of thing.
Oh, okay. I like the acceptance and commitment therapy perspective that our self is the context, and thoughts and feelings are the content that moves across it without defining who we are.
Thank you for sharing info on ACT periodically. It serves as a great reminder.
It’s an interesting way of looking at the world.
Skeptical is something I do most often too, or distrustful, or sometimes fearful. And I can definitely be pleased too but most of the time it’s accompanied by something less healthy, at least initially.
At times like that, we need our furry friends to remind us that feeling good is the way things are supposed to be.
Yes! 🙂
Guilty and sceptical are very familiar to me but I can be also pleased momentarily (mainly if there is no reason to be guilty of anything). It’s the best feeling ever!
For sure!
I used to feel on edge………. terrified I’d return to having panic attacks. However, I remember the first time I realised how good I felt at the age of around 30. I’d left my aunt’s house where I’d cried yet again about how much the breakup hurt. Out of the blue, I noticed the sun was shining, flowers were out, everyone was smiling and I realised — I felt really good. I was sat in my car — and I just let it all wash over me — it was an almost ethereal feeling!
Sounds wonderful!