The topic of dead people goals came to mind a while back when I was commenting on a post by Quiet Person Loud Thoughts. I couldn’t remember where I’d first heard of it, but with some hunting around, it looks like I got the idea from Susan David’s book Emotional Agility. The original idea is from psychologist Ogdan Lindsley, who came up with the Dead Man Test as a way of determining if something was a behaviour.
What are dead people goals?
Susan David explained that dead people goals are things like “not being anxious” that a dead person could do better than a living person each and every time. Anything you want to not feel or not think, a dead person could do more effectively because they don’t feel or think about anything at all. There’s no possible way you could do a better job of that.
So, what’s the problem with dead people goals? If you’re striving for an ideal that’s unreachable even at the best of times, you’re setting yourself up for failure. And when you do fail, because you’re guaranteed to, you will probably feel like crap about yourself. Setting dead people goals is the equivalent of signing up to feel like crap.
SMART goals
Not feeling or thinking a certain way are pretty clearly dead people goals, but with behaviours, it can be harder to tell. At that point, SMART goals can be helpful. The exact breakdown of SMART depends on who you talk to, but one version is:
- Specific
- Measurable
- Achievable
- Realistic
- Time-limited
I am not going to drink any alcohol this week = SMART goal
I want to get through this work function without embarrassing myself = Dead person goal
Life circumstances can be hard… really hard. The last thing you need is to be your own worst enemy. SMART goals may feel kind of forced, and you certainly don’t have to use them if they don’t work for you, but they can help with identifying what’s not dead people goals.
Consider what you can control
The achievable and realistic bits are particularly important. Some things are totally out of your control. Anxiety is a primary emotion that will pop up when it feels like it, not when you want it to (or don’t want it to). Once it’s there, you can work with it; that’s under your control. Whether it shows up in the first place is not in your conscious control, which makes it pretty hard for that control to be achievable.
I’m all for anything that can prevent setting oneself up for failure, and the concept of dead people goals seems like a fairly handy tool in that respect. Was this something you’d heard of before? Does it sound like something that would be helpful?
Love this idea of dead people goals – not heard of it before. SMART goals I had. All great advice. Thanks Ashley. 🙏
Hmmm not sure I’m catching the concept 🤔 is it saying it’s better to feel and fail then feel nothing and succeed?
The idea is that setting a goal to NOT feel/think [x] isn’t very useful, and you’re better off setting a goal to do [y].
Interesting idea. I don’t know if I set dead person goals, but I do set vague goals with no clear end point e.g. “I should study more Torah,” “I should concentrate better when praying.”
Sounds like the kind of goals it would be very easy to judge yourself as not having met.
I set DPGs, but simply refer to them as “unrealistic” when I notice I’m upset about not reaching them. My new thing is to set smaller goals and if I even accomplish some of them, yay
I’m all for small goals and being pleased rather than big goals and being disappointed.
I agree, SMART goals aren’t the be-all and end-all.
I had never heard the term “dead person goals” and my mental picture of them when I saw your title and before I read the explanation was completely different. I was picturing dead person goals as something a dead person has already done better than you could do (eg. being a better playwright than Shakespeare, becoming the a better artist than Michaelangelo, etc.) My reaction was, well, yes, comparing yourself to others, living or dead, is generally not a strategy for success, although I am guilty of doing this. But then I read your post and realized I had a very different impression of the term!
Now I grasp the concept. I don’t think I struggle so much with dead person goals as much as a) setting goals in the first place, because failing at them seems scary and b) having SMART goals that compete for resources and in some cases even contradict each other, such that getting started is difficult.
That’s a really good point about competing for resources. There’s only so much to go around.
Exactly! You only have so much time, energy, money, etc.
Definitely.
As Alan Watts said;
“Suppressing the fear of death makes it all the stronger. The point is only to know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that ‘I’ and all other ‘things’ now present will vanish, until this knowledge compels you to release them – to know it now as surely as if you had just fallen off the rim of the Grand Canyon. Indeed you were kicked off the edge of a precipice when you were born, and it’s no help to cling to the rocks falling with you.”
I hadn’t heard that before. I like it!
He also said about the security we seek, searching for security and insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. He’s a fascinating guy. I have only recently come across him. I’ve got 5 of his books already 📚 He has certainly changed my outlook on life and stimulated my thinking. I’d highly recommend checking him out if you get chance 👍
Oh interesting. I’ll add him to my to-read list.
I’ve just posted a blog on the meaning of life by putting a collection of his quotes together to give a narrative
Great!
I have never heard about “dead people’s goals’. It makes sense, but I guess I may be guilty of one, “not being anxious today”.
SMART goals are an excellent way to frame things you want to accomplish.
Yeah, it’s an interesting way to way flip things around.
We have that ted talk queued up from someone’s recommendation. Will try to watch it
Yeah, it’s a good one. ❤️
SMART goals are good. 🙂
Interesting read.
First time I am coming across of dead people’s goals
Thank you Ashley
Hmm, this is one of the very rare occasions where an idea you’ve written about doesn’t resonate with me.
I totally get the benefits of SMART goals, but the whole dead person thing doesn’t feel very precisely defined or logical to me. I don’t see anything intrinically wrong with wanting something that a dead person could do better. For example, I could decide I want my week to be peaceful (like a dead person), and I don’t have an issue with that.
Before you explained the term, I was trying to guess what it might mean. I wondered if it referred to big goals/achievements for which people are known long after their death… kinda like a legacy. Ah well!
There’s nothing the least bit wrong with wanting your week to be peaceful.
Okay, this is a blog post title I never expected! I hadn’t come across this phrase before but you’re absolutely right, some things we often aim for like quelling fear or anxiety are always going to be done better by dead folks.
Dead people actually have it pretty easy in a sense… 😉
Thats exactly why I picked up the man on the side of the road!
When I am depressed I notice I often set myself dead people goals, which starts the eternal downwards cycle of beating myself up and becoming more depressed and unable to achieve anything. Now I try to set myself a very simple SMART goal such as … I will get out of bed for 1 hour today. Achieving this tips the scales and send the spiral upwards. 😊 I’ll defo watch the TED talk. Thanks 🙏
Spiralling upwards is good! ❤️
That’s the aim … ❤️