Shame Ate My Soul is Susan Walz’s personal story of rising above stigma, suicide attempts, addiction, and misdiagnosis, and eventually finding recovery. I’ve known Sue since the beginning of my blogging journey.
The book opens with a heartbreaking conversation with 2 of her 3 children, as they tried to persuade her to accept help in her depressed state. She told them she wouldn’t kill herself that night, and she “knew it to be true because I promised myself, I would never kill myself without writing letters to my children first. I was far too tired to write my good-bye letters tonight.” I know that kind of thought pattern all too well.
The book then shifts to her early life and the trauma she experienced from being punished for ongoing bed-wetting problems. Sue describes how symptoms of mental illness appeared and continued to worsen into her 20s.
She then became unexpectedly pregnant and endured a traumatic birth that left her “an empty carcass of a human being pretending to be real.” Unsurprisingly, she developed postpartum depression. At that point, she was prescribed Klonopin (clonazepam) by a psychiatrist she would end up seeing for many years.
Things really began to fall apart after the birth of her second child. Her psychiatrist diagnosed her with bipolar, but my guess is that he slept through the part of school where they taught about medicating bipolar. At many points throughout the book, I wanted to jump through the page and smack him silly.
Readers will probably also be inclined to jump on the smack train when she describes the horrible way she was treated around that time by her (now ex-) partner, her employer, emergency services, and the hospital. At one point, she writes that “I was imprisoned in the Psych Unit for ten days until they released me, until I served the mandatory sentence for my crime of having a severe mental illness and pissing off my husband.”
Sue writes about the stigma that she experienced in multiple contexts. For example, when she missed a couple of appointments with her obstetrician, she got a call from the clinic threatening that her baby would be taken away if she kept missing appointments. She was also wrongfully fired from a job when they found out her history of mental illness, and ended up homeless with a young daughter to care for. She explains how she developed self-stigma as a result of the stigma she was exposed to. Her experience really captures the harm that stigma can cause.
The gong show of psychiatric ineptitude continued, and her mental health declined. Every step of the way people just kept dropping the ball when it came to her care. It would be farcical if it wasn’t so tragic.
The book then arrives back at 2018, where it began in the first chapter. Sue explains that giving up the fight to live brought her “a new kind of peace I never experienced before.” I’ve felt that same peace when in that situation, and Sue’s description gives a good insight into that mindset.
The book includes the suicide note that Sue wrote after taking a bunch of pills. She posted it on her blog. That’s a part of the story that I already knew. I read Sue’s blog post early that morning, several hours after she posted it. I found the city where she lived on her Twitter profile, and called the police. The calltaker said they’d already been notified by another online follower, and they were already with her at that point. The book includes my response to her tweet, letting others know that help was already with her.
Besides worrying about further stigma she’d be faced with after the suicide attempt, she had to go through being cut off Klonopin cold turkey and experiencing a terrible prolonged withdrawal.
Finally, though, Sue was able to turn a corner. Her recovery has been truly remarkable, with the help of her faith, becoming a grandma, and finally finding a doctor who was able to give her the right diagnosis and get her on the right treatment.
Sue has had a very difficult journey, and she’s captured it really effectively in this book. It has a loud and clear anti-stigma message, as well as a very hopeful message for recovery. This is a very powerful book and I highly recommend it.
You can visit Sue on her blog, My Loud Whispers of Hope.
Shame Ate My Soul is available on Amazon (affiliate link).
I received a free copy of this book from the author.
You can find my other reviews on the MH@H book review index or on Goodreads.
That’s so sad. I can’t imagine feeling so let down by people who are supposed to help and protect you. I’m so happy you were there to help her when she attempted to take her life. You’re so good x
Thanks. xo
Yeah, it’s disturbing that the people who are supposed to help can get it so wrong.
Wow what an upsetting story. Having been in such a low place myself I am glad she had you there, would loved to have had you by my side! Brilliant review, definitely going to have to read it x
Thanks!
I love books that touch on mental health. Especially memoirs and such. Sounds like a worthy read.
Definitely.
Ashley. Thank you for such a kind, positive and well written review of my book. This means the world to me and you already know from my repeated praises of you how much I appreciate you and adore you. You are simply THE BEST. Much love and respect always, Sue
You’re so very welcome! Love you!
Through others’ struggles we can grow and learn. I really want people to never have to go through what I did and to be inspired to know that recovery and healing are possible. Thanks again Ashley and keep being a bright light, hope and wise voice in the mental health community. We need many more like you.
We can all learn so much from each other by sharing our stories. xo
So true and writing and sharing your story is so empowering and healing.
May I share this on my blog Ashley?
Of course!
What a sad and sorry tale about stigma and the impact it has on mental illness. I so glad there’ll be a happy ending for Sue and her family, and I intend to get the book.
Yes it’s horrible what stigma can do.
I’ve bought the book, thanks to your review 🙂
She sounds like a strong, brave person. Many things you wrote resonate with us. We appreciate the message of hope. We will keep trying too
She is very strong and brave. xo
xoxo 💕💕❤️❤️
You really need to be smart and on top of things when you’re ill. At the same time, you can’t do that.
I agree.