This post is by Dev of Dev’s Thoughts.
The monster in me: How I found out I had PMDD
I think that I have always known that there was something wrong with me but I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. There was always something distinct about me when I was on my period from when I wasn’t. The night I realised that something was definitely wrong was a Thursday in September of 2018 because it’s a night I don’t think I’ll ever forget. I was laying in bed reading a novel when suddenly a thought popped in my head saying that I should kill myself. The thought kept drumming into my head that everyone hated me and that their lives would be better off without me in it. It was just cycling over and over again in my head and I was so terrified of myself because apart of me was contemplating the idea. It wasn’t the first time I had these thoughts but it was the first time I’ve ever had them so loud in my head. Usually I could ignore them but not this night. I was afraid to move because I was afraid that I would actually hurt myself and I cried myself to sleep that night. I honestly thought that I was going crazy. I decided then and there that I was going to seek therapy because I couldn’t battle the thoughts by myself anymore.
The very next day I went to the health centre at my university and spoke with a therapist there (she later became my therapist). I was still shaken up by the thoughts and this had never happened to me before. I explained everything to her. I told her that these thoughts would occur around my period. I also told her how depressed and demotivated I would feel around this time. I had no care or energy to do anything, all I wanted to do was just lay in bed and disappear from the world. My anxiety would heighten around this time and I was very irritable. She asked me if I felt suicidal or depressed when I wasn’t on my period and I told her no, it was only around the time of my period. After listening to everything I had to say, she informed me that I had Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). I was so relieved to finally know what was wrong with me. She also told me that it would be a recurring thing for me because it was a symptom of my period and the thoughts would leave when my period came. Just as some women experience bloating or appetite change during their menstrual cycle, I experience PMDD.
Having PMDD sucks honestly. For a week or two before my period I’m plunged into deep depression and having suicidal ideation. The suicidal ideation is always constant some days I’m able to ignore it, but other times it is a real struggle to fight the urge. I have to be constantly reminding myself that this is just until my period comes and that everything will be okay. I look forward to my period every month because that means I can finally get rid of the intrusive thoughts but the down side is they will occur every month until I reach menopause.
Dev’s blog is Dev’s Thoughts.