Mental health

What Do You See In The Mirror?

Mental Health @ Home - What do you see in the mirror? - Drawing of woman looking at her reflection in a mirror

When we look in the mirror, I suspect that very few of us see what’s objectively there in the reflection.  So why is that?

Mirror recognition is not as simple as it may seem.  The vast majority of animals, including my guinea pig munchkins, lack this ability.  When we as humans look at the reflection in the mirror, we’re seeing a blend of what our eyes tell us, what our minds expect to see, and what our inner critic tells us we should (but don’t) look like.

The distortion between perception and objective reality is extreme in eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder (which is classified as an OCD-related disorder in the DSM-5).  However, there’s still plenty of room for “normal” degrees of body image distortion.

We’re bombarded our whole lives with images of what we are “supposed to” look like, to the extent that it would be difficult not to start to internalize them.  When we look in the mirror, the discrepancy between what we see and the ideal we wish we saw kicks our cognitive distortions into high gear, including magnifying flaws, minimizing or disqualifying positives, and black-and-white thinking that we are either beautiful or ugly, with nothing in between.

Weight is probably one of the easiest things to distort when looking at our reflection in the mirror.  Concern about health serves as a prettified, more palatable disguise for pervasive fat-shaming messages.  My parents tend to be on the judgmental side to begin with, and they are very openly anti-fat.  I’m not sure how they’ve reconciled that with the fact that I’m overweight now; maybe they’re prepared to accept my medications as an excuse, or maybe they’re disgusted by my current size.  The latter is quite possible.

The rise of the selfie means that we’re looking at ourselves more and more.  Instead of just transiently evaluating images of ourselves in the mirror, we (and everyone else) are plastering them all over social media.  This intensifies the idea that how you look is of prime importance.

I’ve never been photogenic.  As soon as I know there’s a camera, my face seems to automatically distort into bizarre expressions.  Last summer I was trying to take a photo of myself to use as an author photo on book sites.  It took a lot of time and effort (and makeup) to get a shot that I felt was acceptable.  I was a bit annoyed with myself for making such a production out of it, but that annoyance didn’t translate into any less motivation to be picky over the image I eventually chose to use.

When I look in the mirror now, I see a strange hybrid of the body I have now and the body that I used to have.  I care less about my body shape than I used to.  I’ve noticed myself aging quite a bit over the last few years.  I don’t think that’s subjective, but it’s hard to say.  There are definitely deeper lines in my face, and my hair has started graying.  But all of it falls under the depression-induced cloak of apathy.  And who knows, perhaps because I care less I’m actually seeing a more accurate picture looking back at me.

Do you think there’s a big discrepancy between what you see in the mirror and what’s actually there?

 

book cover: Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis by Ashley L. Peterson

 

My book Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis breaks down the different categories of DSM-5 diagnoses, explaining the diagnostic criteria and providing first-hand stories of the various illnesses.  It’s available on the MH@H Store, as well as Amazon and other online retailers.

70 thoughts on “What Do You See In The Mirror?”

  1. Interestingly, I was just thinking about this today. I’m sort-of OK with my image in the mirror (although I wish I could lose some weight, thank you clomipramine), but I really don’t like looking of photos of myself and I can’t work out why one is OK and the other isn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever taken a selfie, although I’ve been in some group selfies taken by family members, usually somewhat under duress.

      1. Yes I have the same thing. The mirror is not too bad .. if I suck it all in and have some makeup on. Photos are pretty awful I think. Why are they different? Selfies seem to be even worse!!! I am not a selfie fan.
        Claire x

  2. In the mirror I see how I feel. I don’t like it. Mental illness made me 10 years older in one swoop. It can be hard to see the distinguished fire in me. In my mind the mirror is quite honest.

      1. It ages you, it really does. It’s the worrying, the tiredness, the entire battle, the thinking that wears you out. All I do is try to put one step after the other and it takes me everything to do that.
        I push mountains every day, I guess it wears the body out.
        Wauw this is a good subject and post, the mirror and me. Very confrontational for me, a reality check.

  3. It’s interesting, isn’t it, how a reflection can become so twisted by our emotions, cultural standards and pressures, the various biases we hold. I’m sorry your parents aren’t more compassionate towards the ‘f’ word. I’d agree, there probably is a discrepancy for me too but it’s hard to look at ‘what is’ rather than what we think and feel we see. xx

    1. Actually, another angle is looking back at old photos – when I see ones of me in my High School uniform, when I felt hugely large and beyond ugly – I can’t help but think I was far smaller than I thought at the time. But no, I don’t like my reflection; never have, likely never will. x

  4. I personally don’t care to indulge what I see in the mirror. I pretty much shave, brush my teeth, throw my beanie on my head and get it all over with. Interesting point you make about the Rise of the Selfie. I think selfies and social media in general are advancing both narcissism and voyeurism. Imho both those phenomena are not friends of the overall culture. Thanks for another intriguing post — and I’m buying your book, btw.

    1. Thank you!

      I think in particular the combination of social media and selfies gets really problematic. Social media can potentially used in constructive ways, but start throwng all the selfies in and it’s a mess.

  5. Great post. I do agree that there’s a lot of distortion and pressure given social media. It’s part of why I bounce in and out of social media and currently don’t participate in any of the platforms. It’s never sat right with me, the whole putting something out there for judgement. But that could be the social anxiety and history of body image issues talking…

  6. What’s funny is that I’ve never thought of myself as attractive and yet I look back at old photos and think, hmm, I guess maybe I was. I had attractive boyfriends and husbands back then too. I don’t think I’m attractive now, but maybe I will think I am 15 years from now, if I live that long. I go by a combination of things. One, I can’t wear makeup to “brighten” my eyes because they’re always itchy, so I usually look tired. Two, for the past five years I have had pretty much no dates, even when I tried to show interest. Three, I look old and tired in photos. I used to obsess over weight, which I still do, but now it’s the “old & tired” that makes me feel I don’t look that good.

  7. Oh my word, I hate what I see; I’m getting old and all I see is lines and fat. Because I used to weigh 38kg, of course anything feels overweight, but I do believe I have body dysmorphia because I see huge.

    I know realistically I can’t be because I am an average uk size 10 on the bottom and a size 12 top (big boobs, which I also hate).

    People always tell me I look like a UK celeb and unfortunately her size goes up and down like a yoyo, bless her. But she’s normally a good size 14-16 so in my head, that’s how I feel as I wobble down the street.

    My illness gives me what’s called tight ‘banding’ round my torso and legs so they feel like I’m dragging around sacks of concrete instead of legs (picture that for a moment lol). So I feel much heavier than I am. AArrgghh……

    I’m sitting here eating a chocolate bar 🙁

  8. Yes, I’m sure there is a discrepancy between what I see in the mirror and what’s really there, because I think I’m the hottest, sexiest woman alive. And yet men never seem to agree with this…? So I just tell myself I’m too much woman for most men to handle, and that makes everything okay again.

    In all seriousness, I hate-hate-hate my double chin. I try to angle mirrors and cameras to not capture it, ya know? [Shakes head and rolls eyes at myself.] In the right lighting, it’s shadowed. AARGH.

    Fun blog post!!

  9. I like your authenticity in your writing. Triggering topic! I love food, love eating it! but have body parts that I wish were thinner. like my tummy. all my fat goes there. I think what I see in the mirror is pretty much the way i look. I wish I was thinner, but also trying to come to a form of acceptance about the way I look.

      1. I have a skewed view of myself… I think I’m small than I am. At 6′ I’m taller than most people. I have broad shoulders and I’m about 20 pounds overweight. I realize I’m big, but not how big.

        Whenever I see group pictures, or if I stand next to someone at a mirror, I am always shocked.

        I rarely actually LOOK at myself in mirrors. I’ll check to make sure my hair is okay to go in public, or I’ll look at the psoriasis patches on my nose, but never really look.🤔
        One time I saw my mother in the mirror and that scared the crap out of me😱

  10. Great post, this is such an interesting topic. My impression of my physical appearance became WAY worse after I started my new job. A lot of the women that I work with are quite “conventionally beautiful” and clearly put lots of time into their appearance. I would never spend that much time on my appearance, yet I’ve still internalized feelings of deficiency. And I like that you mentioned the depression-induced apathy; that may be a big part of why I don’t care enough to spend time on my appearance.

    1. It’s interesting the difference the work environment can make. I used to dress up more than most of my colleagues and would get positive feedback because of that, which boosted my self-image.

  11. We saw family members in our reflection for years. Because we saw them with our eyes frequently and rarely looked at ourself in a mirror, we mostly saw them in our reflection. It was terrorizing.

    Exploring gender non-conformity has provided some relief. We look at the parts of our face that are unlike the people in our family with the same “plumbing.”

    We read about the history of mirrors to discern if there was something else going on, something “ethereal.” Probably not.

    DID confuses us. If we think we are 6 or 16, that old face in the mirror can scare the fuck out of you. We generally avoid mirrors except essential grooming and rarely look at us unclothed, especially not our plumbing.

    Photos seem so jarring. We talk to old photos because that is who we think we are. It can sometimes engender self-compassion.

    We take photos of our face and crop to just eyes and eyebrows. We do this every week or two. We don’t post them. We like how that looks

  12. I see myself as looking a bit like your picture on this article, which is quite funny. I hope I haven’t outed myself! Hairline less on the forehead and eye shape different but otherwise, spookily similar!
    Aren’t we supposed to NOT like our photos because its not the mirror image (so the wrong way round to real life), which we’re accustomed to seeing and which makes us think something is wrong? I get days I don’t look in the mirror and sometimes forget to brush my hair, but other days I have to see what I’m doing (drying hair) or I’ll honestly look like a scarecrow. I can’t decide how I look but I know there are plenty of photos that make me cringe.
    The scariest photo for me was one where I didn’t even recognise the clothes I was wearing, it didn’t look like my usual taste in clothes and I had no recollection of ever dressing myself like that – or where I was/who I was with. Even what year it would have been: a total blank!
    I can’t help wondering if the success of a mirror is probably linked to lighting. I think of professional photography and how they can glam up just about anybody with the right lighting.

      1. Haha. Well that’s because you need to flip the photo and then you’ll see the mirror image which could make you feel more relaxed about it! 😂 it amuses me that we all see ourselves one way in the mirror and not another single sole sees us ‘inside out’ like that!

  13. In that weird way of universal symmetry, I have a piece about this I’m working on. I liked this very much, especially the bit about animals lacking a self-image/mirror recognition. I didn’t know that. I guess that’s why cat’s attack themselves? I definitely have a skewed perception and dislike my reflection, but I also love mirrors in decorating. We are contrary, at times.

  14. Thanks for this, Ashley. This one REALLY hits some.

    “When we as humans look at the reflection in the mirror, we’re seeing a blend of what our eyes tell us, what our minds expect to see, and what our inner critic tells us we should (but don’t) look like.”

    I hadn’t thought of it broken down that way — eyes, expectation, critic. But I do that every time I look in the mirror.

    This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life.

  15. In all honesty: the look into the mirror is one of the main reasons I am actually capable of working out, even if I’m completely messed up otherwise. I just don’t want to ruin that look. I am that shallow, I know. But what can you do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  16. Congratulations on the book!
    The mirror can be cruel to some of us. Others, no matter how ugly or unattractive find themselves beautiful. And ugly is subjective, anyone can find anyone else attractive. Also, something that made sense to me was a meme that said “you’re not ugly, you’re just not your type”. It’s funny but it can be possible. And our type begins with an idealization, influenced by all the images we are bombarded with.
    We must be kind to ourselves and take care of ourselves. Shape doesn’t matter (unless it is detrimental to your health, be it too big or too small), what it matters is that you accept and love yourself as much as possible.

  17. Mirrors don’t like me but cameras hate me! This morning Suze took a photo of me in my PJ’s putting out the bin, unbeknownst to me and yet when she laughed and dhowed me l am always baffled who the hell tghe person is in the photo??

    In some l seemingly have no neck, in others 300 chins, in others still l seemed to be shaped like a barrel! It’s very quirksome – which is okay story of my life, but baffling all the same. I hate having my picture taking and always pull some goofy expression which only hampers and hinders it again .. ha ha – l am not fussed, l am who l am .. but yes BUT l wish the caeras would tell the truth a bit more ha ha .. oops dayum, maybe they are – maybe l really am Mr No Neck Barrel Bodied 300 Chins!

    Quality and provocative post Ashley – nicely done 🙂

  18. I’m glad I came across this post! I’m currently struggling with the connection between my brain and body. I hate looking in the mirror. I know I’m a good mom, good wife, good employee but I don’t love myself and I can’t figure out why or how to do so! That is why I started my blog. Just trying to figure out the disconnect and hopefully get advice from others!

  19. Really great post and intriguing topic. I find it interesting how many of us are here saying, you know I was just thinking about that, as I have been.

    First (before I rant a little) my relationship with the mirror is ever evolving and devolving and is absolutely influenced by lighting. In good lighting I might enjoy looking in the mirror as it provides me an opportunity to say hey, not too bad. In bad lighting I get kind of freaked out by how much my face has aged and what gaining more weight has done to my body (and will I be able to “work it back out”? My anxiety affects my image quite a bit. I too see old photos and say gosh I looked better than I felt back then (as many have said here) but it also points out what’s no longer there, like smooth skin. When I’m anxious I see changes and freak out. That’s not just an image thing for me but new things (they might have been there for a while but I’m just now targeting them) trigger obsessive circular thinking. I will get stuck in front of the mirror staring at the fine lines that litter my chin and mouth area. Tremendous amounts of stress and anxiety have certainly aged me in the last two years. I obsess about how my face is starting to sag, how my hair is thinning some around my face and on top. I obsess about how I cannot go back and change, I cannot be young again. And yet, it’s not all bad, really I have so much to be grateful and proud of. On a good day, I’m beautiful; on a bad day, I look old and unhealthy.

    The full length mirror I can handle better than close up because that I feel I can effect with a better diet and returning to exercise. It is motivational for me though it’s also kind of depressing.

    What’s been on my mind is how frustrated I am with the amount of makeup women wear and how accepted it is. Now I mean no offense to any man woman or otherwise who wears makeup. I’m not against makeup; I wear mascara from time to time, maybe some eyeshadow, liner or lipstick. I’m not saying don’t wear makeup, but why is it so okay to cover our faces? I don’t like hating my aging face. I want to age with grace. I want to learn to accept who I am becoming and hold my head a little bit higher. Then when my time comes I can reach back and help my nieces and nephews when their faces and bodies begin to change.

    I’m upset that we don’t encourage each other to accept imperfection, allow imperfection, and be imperfect. There’s so much pressure on women to be perfect. We rest our value on our youth and beauty instead of the quality of our lives, personalities, and knowledge. Whether or not I’m young and beautiful is not what will contribute to the future. It’s whatever gifts I draw out from within. Covering my rosacea because everyone has even skin tone will not teach me how to calm my anxiety or be a better writer. Try this product to even out your skin tone. Wear this to smooth out the fine lines and hide those crow’s feet. Then at the end of the day we clean it all off and guess what? We’re still there in our real form. Doesn’t that just amplify what you don’t like? If you walk around with a “filter” on your face doesn’t that hurt our mental health to then have to live with the real face alone in our own space? I think social media, IMHO, is hurting all of us in a lot of ways. We’re obsessed with people paying attention to us and we’re obsessed with paying attention to how we look. And then what?

    Again, I’m not anti-makeup and I know everyone is an individual. I know that you might have rosacea like me and it drives you nuts but you feel better if you don’t have to look at it all the time. Or maybe you have a scar that you’d rather not have people always ask you about. These are not the things I’m referring to. Some people are just happier with makeup, but should we be? I’m trying to look at the whole picture here, much like you’re talking about. I’m asking, why do we accept and perpetuate a culture that tries to banish the imperfect? What are we teaching each other?

    I hope you don’t mind my rant. I’ve made it a thing I’m working on, pieces here and there, about learning to accept my aging self. For noble and selfish reasons I just don’t want to hate my aging self because this is who I am. Anxiety has taught me it’s possible to spend so much time lost in mental space you lose sight of what other things you can do with that mental space. The time I spend poking at the fine lines that are present like stars in the night sky I could spend patting myself on the back for a story well-written. Or a novel like I did here. 😉

    1. Such an interesting point about lighting. When I was younger it didn’t really matter, but now it makes a huge difference.

      I agree that the idea that women should wear a full face of makeup is not okay. I used to wear eye makeup regularly, but it was because I wanted to emphasize my eyes rather than hide imperfections. Imperfections are what makes us human, and there’s no escaping from them even if we want to.

      1. Yes lighting sure takes on different importance as we age.

        Exactly. I think it’s one thing when used to emphasize. I don’t wear my fancy heels everywhere I go, might start to get kind of strange. 😉

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