No Regrets? Surviving Attempted Suicide

person making shush gesture

First off, we’ll establish a couple of things:

  • If you’re having thoughts of suicide and need to reach out, there’s a list of crisis resources here.
  • No need to worry about me; I’m not currently suicidal.

I recently saw a post by Elizabeth of Life. Love. Bipolar. on the topic of suicide attempts and the way people only talk about a certain kind of regret.  She mentioned Kevin Hines, a well-known motivational speaker who survived a suicide attempt by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  He describes feeling regret as soon as he jumped.  Not everyone feels that way, though; for some people, the regret comes from not dying.

According to PsychAlive, 29 people have survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge, and they have all expressed regret at trying to take their lives.  In an interview with The Guardian, Australia’s national mental health commissioner said that in a study in that country the majority of people who have attempted suicide “report having this profound realization during their attempt that they want to live.”

That’s great that some people are experiencing this kind of regret and able to shift focus to wanting to live, but like Elizabeth pointed out, we also need to talk about the fact that for some people surviving attempted suicide, the regret is about not dying.  While this is less talked about, it’s equally valid, and those stories deserve to be heard as well.  There needs to be room in the conversation for all viewpoints, regardless of how uncomfortable they may be to hear about.

I’ve had four suicide attempts, plus a few in hospital that I don’t remember.  After each of them, my regret was not dying.  I don’t recall any ambivalence at the tome around living vs. dying; I was very much set on dying.  Nothing magically changed after the attempt.  My life didn’t get instantly better, and I didn’t get well anytime soon.  If anything, being hospitalized initially made things worse.

In a study published in Psychiatry Investigation, it was determined that 48% of suicide attempt survivors had made an impulsive attempt.  Impulsive suicide attempts were associated with lower intensity of suicidal ideation and less intent to die.  People who were non-impulsive were more likely to identify psychiatric symptoms as the primary reason for their attempt.

I suspect that the more impulsive the attempt, the more likely it would be that a person would later regret it.  My attempts were not impulsive.  They were planned, and I tried to resist the thoughts of suicide as long as I could solely because I was concerned about hurting my family.

I’m not sure if it’s the depression or something else, but I continue to have a bit of an odd relationship with life and death.  I go on living because it’s status quo, not because I have any particular wish to be alive.  The thought of dying does not bother me at all.  That’s not to say that I’m suicidal.  While there are times when, because of my illness, I do wish to die, entirely separate from that there’s also a sort of baseline undercurrent of being okay with death.  It has nothing to do with a wish to die.  It’s more a sense that the happy times of my life are behind me, and death is just a natural part of the human cycle of existence.

I think that it’s important that the dialogue around suicide incorporates the broad spectrum of experiences people have in relation to it.  We don’t need more taboos round what is okay or not okay to say.

If you’ve considered or attempted suicide in the past, what sort of relationship did you have with regret?

 

Safety Plan for Suicide Prevention from Mental Health @ Home Store

 

Visit the Mental Health @ Home Store to find my ebooks plus plenty of FREE downloads including this safety plan for suicide prevention.

 

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55 thoughts on “No Regrets? Surviving Attempted Suicide

  1. Meg says:

    I feel so sad that you think the happy times are all behind you!! It’s surely not the case!! Here’s to happy times ahead!

    I don’t have much regret for trying, but it makes me sad that I never had any stability. In late winter/early spring of 2000, my sister went joy-riding with my dad’s new (used) car. She totalled it and walked away without a scratch. She was fourteen years old, and there was also hitchhiking involved and public property damage to guardrails. So she got home in the middle of the night and woke my dad up, and they returned to the scene. The police officer said, and I quote, “She looks like she’s learned a lesson from this. We won’t press charges.” [Massive facepalm.]

    Anyway, fast forward to the fall of 2000. I became really suicidal due to the pressure to find a job and function in the workplace. I went to a new job for one day, and then I was scared off by the foreign sense of alien culture shock and the stark white walls. (Why couldn’t anyone have seen how schizophrenic I was? Instead I got all this pressure to try harder.) And I had given up a part-time job at my college campus to try this one, and I couldn’t get that job back.

    So as luck would have it, I wound up in the garage trying to fill my lungs with carbon monoxide with a hose in a closed garage. But the replacement car my dad had gotten didn’t produce any. Go figure. And I sat in that car with the tube running into the window for hours.

    So I sort of think it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

    But I’ve never regretted any suicide attempts. My life used to be really hard. [Shrug.]

  2. visionarytrailblazin says:

    Ashley, this was well said. Too, often, we want to spin things in a way that will produce hugs and smiles, not realizing that truly understanding something requires knowledge of the darkness and pain. We don’t all fit into a pretty box with a neat label. The sooner we realize that the sooner we can grow and truly learn.😘

  3. Johnzelle says:

    Thank you for sharing this. While I’ve never been suicidal, I have had times where I’m angry that I woke up in the morning, if that makes sense?

  4. marandarussell says:

    I’ve never actually attempted fortunately. My sister attempted many times before she succeeded though and she never showed regret for trying to die, but instead was sad she didn’t succeed. I think that is why I always feared the end result would be what it was 🙁

  5. tal.seaa says:

    Quite honestly, during the times I considered suicide, I wanted to die. Death was all I could think of. There was so much going on that I just thought, “there’s no point in living anymore.” Even though I am going through counseling/therapy on and off for the past four years, I don’t regret considering suicide. I felt so low and alone during those times that it was bound to happen.

    • ashleyleia says:

      Sometimes I’ll read in suicide prevention literature that people don’t actually want to die. I think that’s really unhelpful, because yes, sometimes people do just want to die.

      • tal.seaa says:

        Exactly and it doesn’t help (like you stated) to not talk about those who actually wanted to die rather than those who felt remorseful of attempting suicide

  6. Jelly says:

    This has really inspired for me to write a blog post about how I felt before and after my suicide attempt. Plus the after effects.

  7. seaofwordsx says:

    I have had thoughts and sometimes still have like maybe if I didn’t live it’s okay. Then I will not suffer from anxiety anymore. I also just know that I won’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m afraid of dying and also afraid in life so yeah what a way of existing. I can understand you so well. It’s important to raise awareness about this topic and not create more taboos around it. It’s already hard enough. You are brave for speaking up too 💕

  8. Sharon says:

    While I have made no valid attempts, I have reached the point where I simply don’t care if I live or die. There’s no overwhelming sense that I am destined for greatness and need to stay around another 40 years. If anything, it’s more a case of I pray I don’t plague my loved ones with another 40 years of my instabilities. I have dealt with death of loved ones since a young age, and in some regards- I think that initiated the feelings of abandonment and fear of loving, because death itself was just going to make people leave. The feelings sometimes lean towards feeling unworthy of living myself…but I just can’t seem to take that final step to do anything about it. Would I have any regrets if I were to try, and fail? It certainly wouldn’t be regret towards the attempt. It would be regret at the failure. With all of that said, I still would like to think that there could be some hope for learning how to deal with the depression and the effects that it has…maybe one day.

  9. Jenni says:

    First, I’m in awe at your strength. I hope you can find happiness in this life and want to live.

    My suicide attempt left me with the regret of hurting the one person I loved most before my kids, my husband. Recovery isn’t easy, and mental health needs to be a continued topic. Thanks for all you do on this blog!!!

  10. Barb says:

    The relationship I have with regret is that, after I was thwarted, I regretted having failed. Over a year later (since my last attempt), I am glad that I failed. And although things are good for me right now, I realize that I may become suicidal in the future.

    Thank you for bringing this to the attention of the blogosphere.

  11. SarahCulture91 says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and personal feelings on this. I attempted suicide a few times in high school, but I definitely felt relief later on for not dying and am now so grateful that I didn’t end my life then. But, I know that’s not the case for everyone. Your thoughts matter; thanks for your honesty.

  12. kbr0632 says:

    I can totally relate with the thoughts of everything good being behind you..and living because that is the status quo. So very true. It’s unfortunate though, as I would really like to live…and be happy. I have never attempted, but thought about it. “Planned it,” I guess you could say. Or maybe had it thought out in my head (i.e. put a note on the door that my daughter doesn’t come in the room…have someone else clear me out). It sucks. It really sucks when you feel so bad and that is the only resort, so it seems. I keep pushing on though. I do remember…about 20 years ago having a knife in my hand…and being so upset…but not wanting to use it..but holding it..maybe testing my willpower…or threatening suicide. I heard about someone the other day who tried to commit suicide at a motel up the road from us. It was picked up by police scanner (someone I knew was listening). Anyway, they said that he cut his wrist. I didn’t know that it only took a few minutes to die from that. I always thought I would have to get a gun or something..because I’d want it to be fast. I don’t want to suffer or do it and it not work. But..with that said, I am not actively suicidal, but these are the thoughts that have gone through my head. I’m so glad that your attempts did not work. You are a good friend and resource. Thank you for all you do.

  13. Casey Elizabeth Dennis says:

    I’ve always self-harmed by cutting. I’ve thought of killing myself tons of times in the past but never had a full attempt. However, I was trying to one night when I was 21 but my roommate found me in the bathroom & took the razor away. I’m thankful to him to this day. I guess I don’t know about regret since I didn’t get far into it. But there’s always been this hope in me that keeps wanting to carry on, even when I hurt my worst. Did you hear about that poor Dutch girl, Noa Pothoven? Breaks my heart. I’m all for euthanasia for cancer & things of that nature. But idk how I feel about euthanasia when it comes to mental illness. Especially as young as she was. I understand why they turned her down but she just ended up committing suicide. Just breaks my heart.

  14. mahe says:

    You courage for sharing such a petrifying event from your life is unbelievable. Your giving a voice to people who have experienced the same challenge and also those going through the same. As a medical psychology student, am passionate about mental health awareness and helping those affected unconditionally. You are a warrior in this fight to push for mental well being for all .

  15. eLPy says:

    Thank you for sharing this and for your courage. You’re opening and creating conversations every day and every post you share. You’re helping and giving us all a place to relax, listen, reflect, and share. That’s not always easy to find. I applaud the rest of you for sharing as well. I have not attempted suicide but when I’m really hurting mentally I feel great compassion for the people who cannot withstand it any longer. I want to live and I hope we all can find the will to fight and love our way to healthy. Best to you all, keep on keeping on.

  16. Melanie B Cee says:

    Last week someone I’ve known a long time took their life. I had to go to therapy this week (pre-scheduled, not because of the suicide), and when my therapist asked me about how I felt about it, I said I was jealous. She laughed and said “That’s exactly what I thought you would say.” So to answer your question “If you’ve considered or attempted suicide in the past, what sort of relationship did you have with regret?” I’m with you. I’m sorry I didn’t die when I attempted it and I’m sorry almost every time I hear of someone dying, who presumably had a lot to live for or who enjoyed their life. I tend to wonder ‘why not ME, Lord?” I am suicidal. Passively suicidal. But I tend to keep it to myself, because authority figures are sometimes dim witted and think that means I’m going to try and try until I succeed. I won’t do that, but I will have a huge amount of regret (and probably will for the rest of my life) that I didn’t succeed.

  17. Former military, blogger, and musician says:

    I’d like to say I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and technically I can’t in many ways. That said, I have schizoaffective disorder and deal with suicidal thoughts and have had attempts as well. What has kept me going is finding some medication that works “well enough” to keep me out of the hospital, and allow me a shot at life. None of what people with our kinds of issues deal with is easy. Some other things that have helped me are always working on myself with a level of resolve to have better and brighter experiences. Truth be told, I am a work in progress, as all of us are really. If I were to have one wish for anyone going through what I went through or some variation of what you and many of your readers have experienced, I’d hope that we all could examine the alternative to life in greater depth, realizing (maybe) that we haven’t exhausted every possibility for getting better help. Maybe I just have to be hit with greater pain than what I’ve experienced up until this point. IDK, but for me (and this is my experience independent of suicidal thoughts), I currently dread dying like no other, and while I am likely making death get here sooner with my lifestyle, I still want to live. I hope that this finds everyone well, and I understand that we each have a different take away on life and death (and all matters in-between).

  18. da-AL says:

    dear Ashley, selfishly for me the world is a better place with you in it 🙂 I’ve thought of suicide but haven’t done it — & am glad now to be alive. that said, I’m always grateful when folks remind us that we needn’t all be pollyannas & follow cookie-cutter personalities

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