Mental illness goes grocery shopping

grocery store

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Living alone, I have to do all my own grocery shopping.  It’s been that way for years, so no big deal, right?  Well, what used to be a simple task has become a bit more of a production with mental illness tagging along.

The grocery store is a 10 minutes walk from where I live.  I usually walk, but sometimes I don’t even have the energy for that. or I’m not feeling physically up to it because of assorted physical health stuff going on, so I drive.  I usually go twice a week.

On the walk there I try to be mindfully aware of the birds and the tree leaves rustling and such things, but if there’s too much stimulation from people, traffic, etc., I start to experience some derealization.  I tend to conceptualize this as looking out at the world from further back in my head.  It’s sort of like there’s a clear jello barrier between me and the rest of the world.  I’m still connected to reality, but a bit distanced from it.

That mildly dissociated effect continues when I’m in the store.  I generally try to go in the morning when it’s not that busy, since peak times are pretty overstimulating.  I don’t make eye contact with anyone if I can avoid it.

I don’t do well with decision-making on the fly, so I always use a grocery list.  I use the Google Keep app on my phone, and carry my phone in my end for the duration of the time I’m in the store.  Depending on the level of cognitive symptoms I’m experiencing, I may remember much of what’s on my list, or I may remember nothing at all, and even with the list may still not manage to get everything I needed.  I sometimes need to make my list extremely detailed, otherwise in the store I’ll spend ages staring at the shelf deciding what brand and package size to get.  It’s not unusual for me to end up simply not getting something because I can’t make a decision about which specific thing to get.

My local store did some renovating last summer and moved a lot of things around from where they’d been for years.  I still haven’t figured it out and need to use the aisle signs, even to find staple items I buy on a frequent basis.

I avoid the pharmacy area.  I used to get my meds at the store’s pharmacy, but there was an issue a few years back with them not filling my quetiapine prescription right before I was about to leave on a trip.  I raised a fuss and switched to another pharmacy.  I don’t have any regrets about either the fuss or the switch, but ever since I just don’t feel comfortable even being in that area of the store.

This particular store always has lots of staff on the floor during the day, and they’re all quite friendly.  While that might make the store more pleasant for a lot of people, I hate it.  I’ve been shopping there a long time and recognize many of the staff, and occasionally with particularly vigorous greeters I’ll stop and pretend to be absorbed in looking at something to avoid having to interact with them.  Yes, I am that asocial.

Continuing on with the asocial theme, I’m all about the self checkout.  I have no desire to interact with a human being who may be annoying and want to do small talk chatter.  I’ve been doing self-checkout at this store for years, so I’m used to it, but sometimes my mind will go blank and I’ll stare confusedly at the till for a while.  The store charges for plastic bags, and you have to enter in how many you’ve used.  For some reason I can’t just look at the bagging area and instantly how many I’ve used.  Unless there’s only one bag, I have to count by physically pointing at each bag.  One-two-three.  I’m not sure why I can’t do that basic task completely in my head, but it is what it is.

There you have it, a glimpse into my everyday functioning.  Do you have relatively simple routine activities that you’ve needed to adapt because of your mental health?

 

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76 thoughts on “Mental illness goes grocery shopping

  1. livingwithachaoticmind says:

    I also go to the grocery store early to avoid all the people, I sometimes go at like 5 in the morning if I’m able to. I’ve gone later but I prefer when it’s quiet and there aren’t a bunch of people everywhere. It’s frustrating too because if I’m looking at something and someone comes up behind me I get anxious and feel like I have to rush to choose so they can look. I also have a habit of going through the store very fast, I go and get things done quickly, so when I go later in the day I have had a few instances of almost crashing into others carts haha 🙂

  2. tigerchelle78 says:

    I can relate to all of this… I did live on my own for many years and had to do it. Even when I go with hubby, it still stresses me out, and sometimes I get there, and can’t face going in there. So he has to go in. I’ve usually given him a list.

  3. Revenge of Eve says:

    So I have the derealization often and used too, daily. I didn’t realize it to be a symptom of my mental illness as I thought it were a side effect. How similar is this to disassociation?

    • ashleyleia says:

      It’s a form of dissociation. For a long time I didn’t think of what I had as dissociation, since it’s so much milder than what people often experience, but I guess maybe since it’s an offshoot of the depression it hasn’t gotten any worse.

  4. Liz says:

    At one time I would avoid all conversations while around the store and checkout and just focus on what I was there for, but now I can handle chatting.
    As for going round the store dissociated. This can happen to me depending on how I am. Today, I found to be like that and not feeling quite with it.
    I like to shop at quiet times, rather than at peak periods.

  5. My Name is Mel says:

    I definitely struggle with going to the grocery store, as well as even just taking my dog for a walk outside of my home. I tend to avoid people and I try to avoid any form of interaction. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding public places like restaurants and theaters. I used to have panic attacks in restaurants and theaters, but lately it has gotten a little bit better. I often go out of my way to avoid certain places and situations.
    I am constantly thinking about what could go wrong or possible scenarios that could happen wherever I go, but lately I’ve been trying really hard to find ways to cope and calm myself down.

    I just recently started reading your blog and I like a lot of the topics you discuss. Thank you for sharing part of your routine. Keep on keeping on!

  6. BeckiesMentalMess.wordpress.com says:

    I can relate so well to this adventure of going to the supermarket. The only thing I don’t have in common with you is the walking distance.
    I have turned the food shopping into an Olympic event, meaning… Get in/Get out as quickly as humanly possible. Avoiding eye contact, and picking up exactly what I need because I have the aisle’s memorized. Unfortunately, we don’t have self-check out in my supermarket, which can delay the run quickly phase of shopping.
    At least they have that feature at the Walmart we go to. I didn’t use to mind going to Walmart that was down the hghway from me, but they shut that one down. All that is left is a Walmart in an awful spot of town. Every person in there makes me feel so uncomfortable, I end up with anxiety every single time we have to go there.
    I am happy in the confines of my room where no one exist accept for me and my laptop. 😊

  7. Meg says:

    You have no idea how much of this I can relate to!! Almost all of it! I don’t even know where to begin, but I had the same issue with Seroquel once when I needed it to be filled, and I totally lost it at the pharmacy. Ever since then, I send my dad to the drugstore to get my drugs. I’ve decided I just can’t handle it.

    And I totally HATE talking to people at the grocery store, because they’re strangers. I freeze when an employee says, “Excuse me, ma’am? There’s an open U-Scan right over there,” because it seems to demand a response, and I can’t even be like, “Oh, thanks, okay,” because that alone sucks away all my energy. So I pretend I didn’t hear the person. Sometimes they become more insistent. “Ma’am? MA’AM!” And then they realize I’m not responding.

    I too can never find anything in my store, even though they’ve had the layout for a while. My mind flat-out refuses to internalize the aisles.

    Another problem I’ll have at the U-Scan is that I’ll be trying to use my credit/debit card, and someone will be polluting my energy field by doing something right behind me. And my mind starts to think, “That person is trying to steal my pin code from my card,” so I’ll stand there rigidly, not entering my pin code. Nearby employees at this point become very concerned, because I’m holding up the line and doing literally nothing, but I have very little trust that the person next to me who’s scooping up a self-created plastic bag spillage isn’t in reality trying to steal my data.

    That reminds me, too, of the last time I was in the ER with pneumonia. The whole waiting room was miraculously empty, except for ONE OTHER PERSON who was parked by the nurses’ station. So when the nurses were asking me stuff like, “Do you have any health conditions?” And, “What’s your social security number, please?” I was terrified that the nearby person was an identity thief, and my voice died in my throat. (Of course, the pneumonia didn’t help, but it turned out to be in my kidney. Anyway.)

    I can to totally relate!! Asocial bloggers unite!!

    • ashleyleia says:

      I’ve got the pin while using one hand as a shield down pretty pat. Luckily in most places in Canada now for amounts under $100 you can just tap your card and get out of there extra fast.

  8. Invisibly Me says:

    I can see why you avoid the pharmacy area, and it’s better to avoid triggers and discomfort where possible if there’s no reason to put yourself through it. I think you’ve covered this so well, and a trip to a grocery store may be so ‘mundane’ (not sure if that’s the right word, maybe), that they don’t consider mental health playing such a large role. I have issues with, well, I’m not sure how you’d class them but I’ll sound stupid trying to explain it I’m sure.. but obsessive overthinking about some things when I compare products, then the old ingrained calorie counting kicks in if it’s something different I’ve not bought before, so other things creep in to make a trip more exhausting than it otherwise would be. I’ve had panic attacks in stores before and that’s not pleasant, and nobody can figure out why you’re feeling detached or stressed or panicked because ‘it’s just grocery shopping’. It’s interesting to see how the experience varies from person to person where mental health is concerned so thank you for sharing yours so openly.xx

    • ashleyleia says:

      I think grocery shopping is never just grocery shopping for a lot of us. I don’t get panic attacks, but i can imagine that would be horrible in a grocery store.

  9. Barb says:

    I also don’t like interacting with cashiers. And memory–well, I chalk up my poor memory to ECT. I’ll be talking to my therapist or husband, and if the other person speaks, I’ll forget what it is I wanted to say. It’s really frustrating.

  10. Melanie B Cee says:

    Grocery shopping is one routine thing I do each week. Due to financial constraints now I limit my visit to once a week, and I try to make a week day rather than Saturday or Sunday. I like to go really early too to avoid the crowds and those idiot women who drag their 7.5 children with them. The kids are usually ill mannered and/or bored and are running around screeching and messing up displays and I privately want to run them down in my wheelie cart. They usually are smart enough to give me a wide berth though. I know my store well and the staff in it know me. I’m on chatting terms basis with four or five of the staff too and that doesn’t bother me too badly. Venues where my mental illness impacts things are any place where it’s crowded and I have to stand in long lines for something. I’ve eliminated this sort of activity from my life because I just don’t cope with it at all well. Public swimming pools are another area where I no longer force myself to go and participate. My social anxiety/phobia is too extreme.

  11. haveyouevernoticedblog says:

    You described your routine well. At Walmart near where I live, no sales clerk ever offers help. When you finally find someone, the answer is always, “If you don’t see it on the shelves, we don’t have it.”

  12. Luftmentsch says:

    Yeah, I avoid people too. I feel guilty that sometimes I hope that people I know won’t notice me when I’m out because I don’t feel able to talk. I have the whole depression-social anxiety-autism complex going on there. Although I’m really proud of myself for going to a social thing today and socialising with a ton of people I either hadn’t seen for years or knew online only.

  13. marandarussell says:

    I wish I lived close enough to the store to walk! I’m not very social at all in stores either. I am big on the self checkout and I rarely speak to anyone else unless they speak to me first or I almost run into someone or something and apologize. Honestly, this isn’t all the mental illness though. I don’t remember myself ever being someone who would easily strike up conversations with strangers or even acquaintances.

  14. lavenderandlevity says:

    I am about grocery delivery at this point. There’s something comforting about having the same app where you right down what you need also just be your cart. I don’t really drive anymore, and it was liberating to just embrace online delivery, as much for mental health as physical.

  15. lichenmossexperimentalgardens says:

    I didn’t finish reading your post before commenting because you wrote word-for-word what I have been saying in my head for a long time, including the dissociative stuff. Love your post title; it made me smile. I was scared by the time I got to the 5th paragraph; I recognise your methods when dealing with life in a moment by moment, event to event way. I’m ________ (not sure what word to put in there but it’s a positive one) that you wrote this and that others have commented and shared their comments, especially when your “symptoms” don’t match what normals expect you to have.

  16. Heather Tasker says:

    Physical impairments cause as many (and often similar) issues with getting things done as mental ones for me. One thing that’s relatively new though is I can’t make calls. I don’t know what it is. I get amped up even trying to call my sister.

    Probably a sign of being on dangerous mental turf since usually that’s something I look forward to.

  17. seaofwordsx says:

    When I was living alone I also hated grocery shopping as it makes me anxious. I prefer to go when it isn’t much crowded and also no big rows.

  18. betweentwopoles says:

    I love the self-checkout line. I am definitely asocial, and I always like it when someone uses that word instead of the overused antisocial. I had some friends in college who were psychology majors, yet they still called me antisocial because I was shy and didn’t enjoy being in big groups. I enjoyed your story. I can relate with a lot of it. Thanks for sharing your struggle.

  19. Fightingthegoodfight says:

    This is a great way of describing how I feel. I never thought of it as dissassociation though. My husband does most of the shopping and I go when I need to get my meds. Otherwise I stay away. Online shopping has become my best friend. Thank you for sharing you are much braver than I am.

  20. Saro says:

    Hi, I have not been in any store for about one and a half years. My family usually go and get everything. First it was because of the Bipolar and now because of the dementia. When I stand in front of the toiletries, there are so many to choose from, that I get so confused that I just simply leave it. The other day my husband decided I can go buy myself a chocolate. At the checkout the lady recognized me and chatted me up, while she rang it up. Then I took the chocolate and just left. She ran after me… auntie, you forgot to pay….

  21. kaybits says:

    I know how you feel with the grocery store in the sense of knowing where everything is. When ever I go to a different store I am lost and my anxiety with my eating disorder overtakes me. I start putting the most random things in the cart. Mostly binge food. It happens especially when I am alone. I have to stick to my walking routine from the produce section, to the milk at the other end, and circle back to the first couple isles by produce. The routine makes me feel peace and calm. When its knocked off its tracks, I feel lost.

  22. Jazzy Jaye says:

    This article pretty much describes me when I out grocery shopping. I despise small talk with the cashiers and all I want to do is get what I need and get out.

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