As a writer, I enjoy playing with language. This post explores some of the more colourful terms terms for what goes on when the pants come off. I’ll try to leave out the mundane and stick with silly rather than offensive.
Female nether regions
I feel like there’s generally a lack of creativity when it comes to female nether regions. When I searched “slang for penis,” Google told me it had 30.9 million results, compared to 22.1 million for “slang for vagina.” Male names for vaginas are generally pretty lame, and it’s more interesting to hear women talk about their vaginas, as in The Vagina Monologues.
I’m curious, though, have you ever vajazzled your va-jay-jay? Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt was the one who really got the vajazzle party started in 2010, while va-jay-jay apparently got going in 2006 in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
The dumbest vagina name I’ve heard is box. Anyone who thinks that someone’s vagina is boring enough to be called a box doesn’t deserve to be getting anywhere near said vagina.
Panty hamster is a creative name that I hadn’t come across before, but it doesn’t actually make any sense. Coin purse, okay, it’s dumb, but I get it. But panty hamster? The nutritional supplement company Olly decided to jump on board the panty hamster express, using that term in an ad campaign for its Happy Hoo-Ha probiotics (you can take a look on The Sun’s website). I don’t think I’d be inclined to buy anything for my hoo-ha from a company that thinks there’s a hamster living down there.
Anyone remember Monica on Friends talking about her “flower”?
I’m a fan of hoo-ha for non-sexual talk of the vagina, mostly because I just like the sound of it.
Male nether regions
Names for the male genitalia were clearly created by men, and for the most part, men who thought very highly of themselves.
We’ve got mythical creatures, like the basilisk and Cyclops.
Then there are assorted military terms, like tank, battleship, landmine, grenade, sniper rifle, and nuclear missile.
Then there’s a little American patriotism thrown in, like the Nebraska State Capitol, the Washington Monument, and the Lincoln Memorial. The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall, which makes for quite the hyperbole. Keep that nonsense way the hell far away from my hoo-ha.
We’ve also got assorted critter names, like mongoose, anaconda, and elephant. And I suppose baloney pony counts as a critter. Whether anyone would want to ride said-named pony is a whole other question. Oh my, I just realized that anaconda made an appearance in Sir Mixalot’s Baby Got Back (“my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun” 🎶)!
Some names are easy to combine, as in Mr. Johnson was using his hammer to nail his skin flute into his floppy drive.
Then there’s purple-headed yogurt slinger, which is just weird and gross.
Masturbation
There are a lot of terms for masturbation; one site listed over 500, which of course are mostly male-related. Not that females don’t diddle the skittle, but I suppose we feel less of a need to give it dumb names. Many of the masturbation terms are variations of the same few things, but there were several more creative names that I hadn’t heard before:
- Bash the bishop
- Choking the chicken
- Going fishing with the man in the boat
- Adjusting the antenna
- Aiding and abetting a known felon
- Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
- Defrosting the fridge
- Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
- Unleashing the alabaster yak
I don’t think this yak has any interest in being anywhere near that vicinity.
And this one I’d heard before, but I wanted to mention it because I think it’s fun: double clicking the mouse.
Sex
I’d already heard of most of the sex terms I came across. Bumpin’ uglies is a personal favourite to refer to sex in a non-sexy way, because in a non-sexy context (as in without the horny version of beer goggles), it’s really not an attractive situation.
A few I hadn’t heard of before:
- Chesterfield rugby, which apparently is Canadian, although the only person I’ve ever heard use the word chesterfield is my grandma, so that’s just weird
- Rumpy-pumpy
- Grafting the forked tree
- Wango tango
Oral on a female
Some of the names for going down on a chick are rather out there:
- Barking at the ape
- Cleaning the fish tank
- Contacting the aliens
- Conversing with Moses
- Fence-painting
- Gorilla in the washing machine
- Talking to the canoe driver
I don’t know about anyone else, but Moses is not hanging out in my vagina. Nor are any apes or gorillas. And I’m not sure how a canoe would fit down there, much less a driver (although we Canadians are sensible enough to know that canoes don’t have drivers). Cleaning the fish tank sounds like a chore, and if someone feels like hanging out by my vagina is a chore, they don’t deserve to be there. Fence-painting, on the other hand, sounds like it could be promising.
Oral on a male
Then there’s going downtown on a dude. Most terms were, like the penis terms, clearly invented by guys who thought excessively highly of themselves. Some of the ones I hadn’t heard of are:
- Addressing the court
- Climbing the corporate ladder
- Polishing the trailer hitch
- Honkin’ bobo
- Giving Big Jim and the twins a bath
That last one sounds like a surefire way to make sure that Big Jim and the twins are staying bone dry.
Cock holster is a term for a mouth that serves as a receptacle for penises; according to Urban Dictionary, this is US Marine Corps slang for mouth. I can imagine a drill sergeant shouting this to tell recruits to shut the fuck up.
Do you have any weird and wacky terms to add to the party?
Sources
- Mantality: 500+ Masturbating Euphemisms
- SheKnows: Can We Please Just Say ‘Vagina’ Instead of These 50 Other Slang Words?
- Thought Catalog:
- Wiktionary Thesaurus
- https://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/PenisTesticlesSlang.pdf (There’s no title, just a list of man junk slang on a Stanford University linguistic prof’s website)