Depression is never fun, but depression and the holidays is a particularly un-fun combination.
Christmas was a very positive thing for most of my life. It was always a low-stress affair, and food was a very big part of it. Plus I always liked Christmas trees.
The last time I actually celebrated Christmas would have been in 2015, although I don’t recall if I was working that Christmas or if I spent it with my family. Then depression took up permanent residence in 2016, and I lost all interest in Christmas. Tree? Can’t be bothered. When I see other people’s trees and lights, I’m indifferent. Traditional yummy Christmas baking? Meh. Seeing Christmasy stuff in stores, on TV, etc. is just off-putting, in large part because it’s a reminder just how little I give a shit, and just how much that’s depression’s fault.
I spent Christmas 2017 with my family, but I was not well, and it was quite an unpleasant experience. Being around people is quite yucky when I’m depressed, and fake it ’til you make it doesn’t work very well when making it just isn’t going to happen.
This year, my parents are coming to town and my brother is hosting Christmas at his place. I don’t want to go, and most likely won’t. It’s not anxiety, and it’s not stress; it’s just aversion. It’s unpleasant being around anyone, and multiple someones increases the unpleasantness factor. I have very little interest in going simply for the sake of pleasing others, and I have no desire to go for my own sake.
My parents try to be supportive, but they have a tendency to be a pain in the ass. Earlier this year I had asked my mom for help trying to fight with my doctor to do some disability application paperwork, but then she was adding to the pain in the ass factor rather than decreasing it. I haven’t talked to her since. While depressed, I have a tendency to go for long periods of tie without communicating with my parents (a pattern since I first got sick years ago). I have a low tolerance for things that make my life more difficult.
Two years ago, I did a blue Christmas post, and wrote this:
I feel a sense of loss. Christmas as I knew and loved it doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t miss it in the sense that I wish I could do Christmas this year; I have zero interest, and I don’t care sufficiently to put up any decorations.
The loss is more all-encompassing than that, though. It’s a loss of who I was and what mattered to me. That loss is present at other times of the year as well, but Christmas is one of the times when it gets in my face a little more.
So it will be a blue Christmas, not because of what I choose not to have or do, but because of what is no longer available to me.
So yeah, that’s my depression and the holidays story. Are Christmas or other holidays a difficult time for you?