The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building by giving new mental health a chance to have their work seen by a wider audience and connect with other members of the blogging community.
This post is by Heidi of Here Are My Brains.
My experience with schizophrenia started with a curiosity for the truth. That curiosity for truth led me into a passion for knowledge, which led me down a road of spirituality and esoteric concepts. You could say there are two roads you can travel down when you are talking about esoteric concepts. There is a light road and a dark road. I started down the light road of my own personal journey three and a half years ago. By the end of that journey I had definitely got off at a wrong turn somewhere. I ended up on some seriously dark roads. I can say Looking back now From my first mental crack, all the way up until my final complete mental fracture that the experience as a whole was quite a unique one. I can remember talking to myself out loud saying “you couldn’t make this shit up if you wanted to” frequently. I have to say the journey of schizophrenia is what I like to describe as “Terrifyingly Terrific”.
My first and only experience with hallucinations was February 2nd 2020 during the Super Bowl 54. I was at my house with my Daughter. We were at home alone. My boyfriend had left to go do some work for my grandparents when I received a phone call from my parents. It was my dad telling me that he and my mom were leaving and going somewhere, but didn’t tell me where specifically. This meant there was no one I could get a hold of when the panic set in. Before this incident, I had already been delusional, but this time was different. This time went much further than the typical signs of delusion. This time was so mentally frightening it was on the verge of terrifying. This time it felt like I could read my daughter’s mind. I remember physically and emotionally trying to hold it together while being in a state of panic and fright as my perception of reality seemed to undulate and become wavy and swell. This was way worse than the worst panic attack I had experienced thus far (although I experienced a handful of panic attacks after this incident that were worse, but did not include hallucinations). I was also trying my hardest to hold it together for my daughter who I was seeing move and speak IN REVERSE.
There was still a part of my brain, deep down through all the panic, that was a little voice way in the back of my mind that I could barely hear saying, “your daughter is not moving in reverse. calm down. This isn’t really happening”. The voice was to Small for me to listen to through all of my confusion. Everything was moving so fast and in my perception everything that was happening, despite the small voice in the back of my head, was happening for real. From my perception IT WAS REALLY HAPPENING. I can remember crying and being terrified all the while trying to act like everything was fine and I was ok because I did not want to scare my daughter.
It wasn’t long (about a month and a half and several other frightening episodes later) before I was finally committed to the psychiatric ward at a nearby hospital for several days for observation, and given my diagnosis of schizophrenia. I was put on an anti-psychotic shot called invega, and Zoloft for my depression. I have come to learn that the best way to deal with my delusions and hallucinations is to continue to take my medications everyday regularly. When I was released from the psychiatric ward I did come out with substantially less satisfaction from the normal activities of my day-to-day life than before. with time those symptoms faded. I’ve also found that regular exercise daily helps keep me in a better Mental state and away from any other psychotic episodes. I walk everyday for at least 30 minutes. it helps to clear my head and makes me feel physically better.
There are certain negative stigmas as far as what people think about others diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I believe this stigma is largely influenced by the way it is portrayed in mainstream media and in Hollywood Movies. I, being a person “diagnosed” with Schizophrenia, am fully aware of the negative stigma. I do not let it bother me in the least. Since I am a Schizophrenic I would know that the negative things others think of Schizophrenics is usually untrue, and that most Schizophrenics are harmless, have a higher than average IQ, and can tune into frequencies, vibrations, and energies that are always around us, but most “normal” people can not see. Furthermore, just because “normal” people cannot sense and see these things does not change the scientific fact that the energies and vibrations are STIll there no matter whether a person is able to perceive them or not. I can say that some of the positive traits common among schizophrenics such as higher intelligence and using more parts of the brain than most, make me feel privileged, in a way, to be “diagnosed” as Schizophrenic. Some call schizophrenics “God’s Chosen ones”. We can see through the veil and what we have been given with the gift of schizophrenia means far more than most “normal” people will think. A term for one of the common side effects of schizophrenia is “magical thinking”. I personally believe that people with schizophrenia are magical! I like to think of my experience with schizophrenia as a magical experience. although frightening and terrifying, it was and always will be a unique, unimaginably unreal and terrifying, yet beautifully terrific experience that I have been blessed with.
Heidi Secreast is a 38 year old home maker, writer, blogger and diagnosed schizophrenic. She lives in the foothills for the Appalachian mountains in North Carolina with her daughter Braylee, and her husband Ronnie.
Visit Heidi on her blog Here Are My Brains.
Thanks so much Heidi for participating!
You can find a listing of all of the series posts in the community features directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- you have a personal (rather than business-oriented) blog that’s focused primarily on mental health/illness
- you’re a new(ish) blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL