The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building through giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience. It’s also a way to introduce you as a reader to some newer members of our community.
This post is by Molly of Love to Live.
It won’t leave me alone
Depression? Sadness? Hormones? Ungratefulness? People’s opinions on my life forced down me every day. So many different labels. The way I see it- a struggle. A constant struggle. When we talk of motivation, we think of having the strength to start working out, or perhaps completing a project, maybe even doing some homework. But when it’s here, motivation is none of these things. Motivation is me trying to get out of bed in the morning. Motivation is me forcing myself to shower, to take care of myself, to complete daily activities to sustain myself. When it comes, motivation is me trying to survive.
It takes over my life. There is no light, only darkness. It consumes me, intoxicating me, suffocating me, until, I can’t cope. This is what it wants right? For me to give in, to say it’s over, you win. When it comes it gives me no choice but to consider that option. It leaves me with no other option. To stay means pain, to go means someone else’s pain. Selfish? Yes…or perhaps not? It clouds my thoughts, telling me nobody would miss me, telling me all I am is a waste of space. This world has no need for me. It tells me, I would be doing the world a favour. It tells me to stay means pain for everyone, and to go will end that pain. But I know that I am loved, and cared for, and appreciated. But somehow it twists its way into my thoughts, distorting them, changing them until I believe the lies. It convinces me that this shouldn’t even be a decision to make. The solution is right there… so take it. And so, I do.
Yet I’m still here, it didn’t win. And I’m left to wonder why all I can see in my victory is the darkness. So the struggle continues. But my struggle is silent. My struggle is unseen. My struggle is overlooked. Some think depression means sadness, crying and isolation. It is. It is that and much more. Sometimes my heart weighs heavy with the overwhelming sadness, my mind overflows with hateful thoughts. My tears fall down, each carrying years of hidden emotion. I’m alone, lost, isolated. My struggle goes unseen because there is no one around to see it. It tells me to lock myself in my room, convinces me I am a burden that nobody needs, let alone wants.
Then suddenly the darkness is lifted, I can leave my room, I can reconnect with people, but only because it lets me. It is always in control. Through the darkness, through the light. It has me on a leash, sometimes allowing me to go further, to reach into the light, allowing me to believe that I have freedom. But soon it pulls me back, back into the darkness, because it never leaves me alone, and it will never leave me alone. Every time the leash is loosened my naivety allows me to believe that I have cut loose, allows me to think that this time is different, that this time I can stay in the light, but every time I am wrong.
Some may think I should reach out; some may think that someone would notice. But depression can be smiling, laughter, and socialising. And as it pulls me back, I try to grab onto all I can, socialising with my friends, talking with my family, laughing smiling, fake it till you make it right? Sometimes all I want to do is stop resisting and let it pull me back, but my fear controls me. My fear of loneliness and isolation, my fear of not knowing how to make it stop, my fear of being under full control. Whilst my freedom is an illusion- a figment of my imagination, it allows me to breathe, to see clearly, and so once it’s snatched away from me again, I’m left to crumble. In these moments I try to reach out for support, but nobody can see beyond the smiles and laughter. Everybody is convinced. All I long for is to be part of ‘everybody’. To believe the lies I try to feed myself, but it reminds me every day I don’t deserve happiness, that I am unworthy of love. And it makes such a convincing argument I fall for its lies. So, I can be with everyone, laughing, smiling, socialising, yet in these moments the loneliness wraps me in its arms, invisible to everyone but me. After all depression can only be sadness crying and isolation, right?
My world is a roller-coaster, sometimes I fly, sometimes I come crashing, but fear always consuming me. This is the life that I know, this is the life that I have to live. Some wonder why I’m still here, I wonder why I’m still here. All I know is I stay as long as it wants me to stay, and I go when it wants me to go, because it always has control. Because it won’t ever leave me alone.
My name is Molly and I’m fifteen years old. For a couple years now I have been struggling with my mental health, and here’s a glimpse of what it’s been like.
You can visit Molly on her blog Love to Live.
Thanks so much Molly for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the posts in the series directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- you have a personal (rather than business-oriented) blog that’s focused primarily on mental health and illness
- you’re a new(ish) blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL
- don’t think of this as having to “pitch” an idea – I’m just trying to make sure people actually fit the criteria and spirit of the series