The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building by giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience. It’s also a way to introduce readers to some newer members of our community.
This post is by Coconut Heels.
Hospitalization & Hallucinations
There’s such a fooled heart beating so fast in search of new dreams A love that will last between your within your heart I’ll place the moon within your heart.– As The World Falls Down by David Bowie
The weight of all the world Can blind me to its beauty But every time I need to be reminded I know you will, and say you’re still someone who loves me.– Someone Who Loves Me by Sara Bareilles
Be the hand of a hopeful stranger A little scared but you’re strong enough Be the light in the dark of this danger ‘Til the sun comes up.
Surely someone will reach out a hand And show you a safe place to land.– A Safe Place to Land by Sara Bareilles
Where to begin? I had quite the day. Out of nowhere, my body decided to succumb to the extremely debilitating effects of a seizure of which I have no memory. Luckily, my brother had perfect timing and happened to arrive at that very moment. Thanks, brother. I remember walking downstairs and taking a few steps before the screen faded to black. Apparently, he pushed me onto my side and chilled me out. It was a disturbing experience made even worse because I have no memory of said seizure. This proved to be the least scary moment of the day.
Later that day, the hallucinations arrived. I saw random people in my mother’s driveway walking around aimlessly. I still have no guess as to why they chose that particular driveway.
Soon after, I saw a stranger close the trunk of my car before getting inside as if she was going to drive. My brother and uncle were in the backseats. Here is where the confusion increased. The woman yelled that she did not have the keys despite being able to get into my car and pop the trunk. My irrational response was to tell her to pull the back seats down, throw the keys back into the trunk and open the trunk. Trust me when I say that it made sense at the time.
Hallucination #2/2.5 I had a solid hour long conversation with someone very close to me. It was great and made me feel grounded even though it only happened in my mind. Not more than two hours later, I was playing with my dog when she walked into the house with a mutual friend. At the moment,
I did not consider the fact that it was physically impossible for her to arrive here within two hours. An emotional, uncomfortable and intense conversation ensued. Our friend seemed to be coaching her on what to say. Once the controlling element was removed, the situation improved. Unfortunately, I then overheard a conversation purely directed at me of which I felt extreme weight.
Hallucination #3 Just before 5 in the morning, I heard a church service going on downstairs that featured a seemingly endless rendition of an unfamiliar song. Periodically, one or two people wearing black robes with hoods came into my room in an attempt to convince me to join in the festivities. It felt very cult-like. A different person took charge each time the song started. As time went by, the visitors in my room got more and more aggressive. It did not work.
The degree of detail found in each hallucination experienced within the timeframe of me being admitted to the hospital still haunts me. After being released from the hospital, I realized that I combined several and recognized that I actually experienced seven separate hallucinations. All seven will likely never be forgotten.
Numbers three through six were definitely connected but I encountered each as their own entity. That middle stretch of hallucinations presented both the use of manipulation and displays of shame. The questions they raised along with the new reality they suggested linger.
I took the advice of others and agreed to go to the hospital. While I hoped to only be there for a few hours, I was told by someone knowledgeable about the situation to expect to be there overnight. The nurses, doctors and other staff were incredibly efficient and performed three tests. At some point, I was admitted to the psych ward, yet another transition I do not remember. Though I was told the average stay was 3-7 days, I managed to make it to day 9 before being discharged. Several movies now feel more relatable than ever.
It was not all bad. I wore scrubs for a week straight, ate three meals each day which never happens (one is the norm) and my blood pressure dropped to a healthy level and remained there for the first time since, I have no idea. I also got a diagnosis, something to call all of this. Now, I begin my new medication regimen and continue therapy. To paraphrase Ricky Williams, treatment which in his case was league mandated, gave him the time and the space to learn about himself, his past, how to put it into some kind of perspective and use it to think about the future he wished to see. He used one thing in an attempt to give himself some psychotherapy which I understand despite using different means. I have now been out of the psych ward for 24 hours and the result feels positive so I suppose I owe a thank you to the seizure. The hallucinations and I are still at odds. I am not sure if this makes sense but my mind feels wide awake.
Visit Coconut Heels at https://coconutheels.wordpress.com/
Thanks so much Coconut Heels for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the series posts in the community features directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- you have a personal (rather than business-oriented) blog that’s focused primarily on mental health/illness
- you’re a new(ish) blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL