You Don’t Need to Be Positive

You don't need to be positive - there's room for other emotions too

Toxic positivity is essentially the idea that happy and positive is the only right way to be, and therefore, people need to cheer up, look on the bright side, think positive, choose happiness, allow good vibes only, etc.

It also shows up in the “it could be worse” guilt trip mentality. You’re not in ICU on a ventilator right now, so whatever your problem is, it could be worse.

I call bullshit.

It could always be worse

There is no officially designated worst possible human problem. So really, it could always be worse.  By the same token, it could always be better. So what? It’s not a competition where only the shittiest problem gets to wear the shit crown, and everyone else has to be happy until the end of time. The fact that someone else has it worse does not make your own problem any less shitty, nor does it make you less entitled to feel shitty about your shitty problem.

Trying to suppress emotions because we don’t think we’re entitled to feel them really doesn’t work very well. Neither does trying to control your thoughts. Instead, what if you were to just allow those feelings and thoughts to be there? Make room for them, allow them to do their unhappy dance, and then let them fade on into the background. If you start getting the guest bedroom set up so the negative feelings can have a more permanent home, that’s probably not so good. But allowing yourself to feel the feels in the moment is a good thing.

Why should you only have positive feels?

Negative feels can also co-exist with positive feels. You can be grateful for what you do have, and that you don’t have the worst problem in the world, but gratitude doesn’t preclude having negative feelings at the same time. Some people say it does, but I take time every day to be mindfully grateful and it’s not some magic bullet that makes all of the bad stuff go away. And that’s fine. We’re complex creatures, not amoebas, and we can have positive and negative going on at the same time.

And while apparently we’re supposed to choose happiness, why should that be the only desirable emotion? As human beings we’ve got a wide emotional repertoire, so why should only one emotion be acceptable? If one of my guinea pigs died and my response was to feel happy, that would be a problem. We have so many emotional options because we’re faced with a lot of different situations.  Not feeling happy doesn’t make you somehow less than.

Your feelings are valid

So if you’re one of what seems to be many people feeling a bit guilty about having problems and negative feels during this global pandemic, it’s okay that you’ve got stuff going on that prevents you from jumping over the moon with endless gratitude that you’re not on a ventilator. Your problems, and your feels, are still valid.

On the other side of the coin, what if you are feeling good right now even while the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket? That is just as valid.; You don’t have to feel down just because other people are struggling, or feel guilty for feeling positive.

What I’m really trying to say is you do you.; However you feel, don’t feel, think, don’t think โ€“ it’s all okay. Let go of the should monster, and allow yourself to be however you happen to be right now.

Mental health coping toolkit

The Coping Toolkit page has a broad collection of resources to support mental health and well-being.

101 thoughts on “You Don’t Need to Be Positive”

  1. You know what? This is SO true!!! I hate it when only positivity is considered and even constructive criticism is badmouthed! Anyways, great post as usal๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป and Iโ€™m looking forward to reading your book๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

  2. Yes, yes and yes again. I’ve been saying this for years, all the happy, happy people piss me off. and yes, I write about it – “choose to be happy” , yeah, right! And if we could we would but is that easy or even a good thing? Nope. Preach it!

  3. I struggle with the i feel like a shit storm yet i better be grateful because it could be worse. I needed this today but have to think on it to… how do i find the happy medium or is that even the point.

  4. Somehow I have a public face and a private face. That public face feels the need to project a positive image and hope. It certainly doesn’t mean however that the private face is not feeling anxiety and fearfulness and worry for family and friends and self. Both sets of feelings go on simultaneously for me.

  5. Thank you for this post, it is exactly what I needed right now! Also, I’ve never understood the idea that only people in the shittiest of situation get to wear the shit crown. If that were true, only the ONE most unfortunate person in the world would ever be justified in having negative emotions!

  6. If ever I get a tattoo, this is going on flesh with permanent ink:

    โ€œItโ€™s not a competition where only the shittiest problem gets to wear the shit crown, and everyone else has to be happy until the end of time.ย  The fact that someone else has it worse does not make your own problem any less shitty, nor does it make you less entitled to feel shitty about your shitty problem.โ€

    There will be a dragon, daggers and koi fish. Thank you, Ashley ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ™

  7. Such a good post! Maybe I say … a very positive one? ๐Ÿ˜
    Things are as they present themselves in the moment and being happy all the time is just exhausting. I’ve lived a long time on ‘others have it worse than you’ and it didn’t help me. If anything, it helps you to focus on more negative things.
    Reality is complex and humans too. We have all those emotions, sometimes one situation evokes different responses in the same moment.
    To control everything by sweeping it under the rug of ‘positivity’ isn’t going to take all the dust away. Imagine a child being brought up that way, that he/she is just plain wonderful and can do no wrong (and sweep sweep everything else under the rug), what difficulties he or she may encounter later on. I think an adult need to recognize the whole range of emotions and deal with them in an ‘good enough’ way.

  8. The only part that I wonder about, is when someone is feeling low… trying to be there “with them” through their struggle… this could be a close friend or family member… but, “with them” in the moment type of thing. How do you think that fits into this?

    1. I guess Iโ€™d say that someone trying to be supportive probably isnโ€™t going to truly understand, but they can still validate that however the person is feeling is ok.

  9. Being overly optimistic doesnโ€™t help me, and being overly pessimistic doesnโ€™t help me either. I need to feel my feelings and be able to validate them without judgement. I find that meditation helps us do exactly that – to be able to feel that feeling without distorting the feeling.

    I agree with you… I dislike the โ€œit could be worse.โ€ Using that way of thinking, you could figure out a โ€œit could be worseโ€ scenario for just about anything. The brain will always find a reason if we let it.

  10. I think we have to have a healthy dose of negativity, we need this emotion to make us more aware of danger and injustices in the world. If we were all just happy all the time – oooh, yuk!
    All that “have a nice” or “enjoy your day” crap when I don’t feel so good ๐Ÿ™ urgh!

  11. “Make room for them, allow them to do their unhappy dance, and then let them fade on into the background…” YES. I think this is a fundamental part of being human that a lot of people miss by skipping over grief in a hurried world, and burying anger in a guilt-trippy one! Grieving, sadness, anger, depression, etc… they’re never easy, but it will only be harder if you try to skip them over.

  12. I find it very hard to engage with those positivity thinking type of people because they just don’t get it. It’s like they can use positive thinking to get away with anything (how can positivity ever be wrong?) and I cannot get angry or if I do get angry, I’d feel guilty because they only meant well.

  13. Great blog Ashley and very much needs saying in the current climate whereby happiness is seen as being in your own gift if you would just meditate enough, be grateful enough etc etc A lot of the most troubled people I work with the issue can stem from an inability to tolerate and allow their negative emotions (often because they’ve been invalidated in the past or were tied to overwhelming traumas that had to be cut off to psychologically survive – so connecting with their own pain and suffering is what they need support with. Others allow their negative feelings to amplify and turn everything to shit and need support in reining them in and being able to keep perspective so they donโ€™t fall down the rabbit hole. Itโ€™s all about balance really and whilst that usually means no absolute constructs (always/never) and I agree that โ€˜shouldโ€™ is never helpful! ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

  14. I so agree with you! I was intoxicated with such positivity bullshit as a kid and it has had a lot of negative impact on me, probably the more that I was already very prone to suppressing things and I still do that. These days I’m allergic to people who try to be positive for all means and to when someone tries to force or even just encourage such an attitude in me, I think positivity, while, of course, it has positive aspects, is quite overrated these days. It just drives me absolutely bonkers and makes me go ragin’ and freak out at the same time when someone tells me what I am supposed to think or feel, because this is one area of my life that other people are not ever going to have control over. When I want to be positive, I will be positive, and when I don’t want to, I just won’t.
    Sometimes I do agree that forcing yourself to be enthusiastic does work, as a temporary mechanism, when dealing with people or something, but, from my experience, it’s only in certain situations and no one else can tell us what those situations are for us.
    I consider myself a defensive pessimist, but I don’t like the general notion that pessimists are people who always complain about things and are never happy. Actually, I think my defensive pessimism helps me to appreciate and be even more grateful for what goes well in my life than I would be otherwise. And I don’t consider myself a toxically negative person or someone who is never positive. I actually think that I am very lucky that, while having depression, most of the time I’m not as anhedonic as a lot of people are, or am not at all, and can still enjoy all the things I like and have a more or less enthusiastic attitude to things that genuinely interest me, and appreciate pleasant and beautiful things in my life without having to force myself to it too much, at least the majority of the time. Gratitude definitely works better for me than positivity and just makes more sense.

    1. That’s such an important point about other people not having control. If we choose to put on a positive front for a while, that’s fine, but if others are trying to pressure us into it, that’s not good.

  15. It’s definitely a topic that people seem to have a lot to say about.

    I’d say lying probably doesn’t accomplish much, but sharing negative opinions under the guise of telling the “truth” isn’t necessarily going to be helpful either.

  16. I love love love this! For so many years, I wore this mask of positivity and it was fake, exhausting, and detrimental to me actually getting help. Thank you so much for writing about this!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. I love this so much! At the beginning I was getting ready to not like this post, but as I kept going I realized just how important this is. If you suppress those negative feelings without acknowledging them then they will come back even worse.

  18. You have really struck a cord with me here so thank you. Its not that i was ignoring my other emotions but right now in order to maintain my mental health i have been living on a pink cloud. I haven’t allowed any of my other emotions in my life other then happiness and positivity. I realize now l am suffocating myself and need to look at my other emotions.

  19. I can’t love this post more. If there’s something I can’t handle, it’s the “Just try being positive” or “It can always be worse” comments. They are so invalidating.
    Before reading this post, I didn’t consider that I had been hard on myself for not being more upbeat, cheerful, etc. But I think on some level I definitely do. Food for thought.

  20. Such a great post! โค๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ I agree. I feel a lot of emotions these days. Sometimes I’m happy and then I feel guilty for being happy because others are suffering. I also sometimes feel sad and emotional and anxious. We have the right to feel whatever we are feeling because our feelings are valid

  21. I so totally agree. Experiencing my full rage of emotions is something Iโ€™ve had to learn to be more comfortable with… its just better for our overall health.

  22. Thanks Ashley! I was feeling bad and feeling bad for feeling bad, if that makes sense, this was a great reminder, that I am allowed to have things going on and if I do it isn’t my fault. <3 <3

  23. It is draining being around happy positive people, especially those who want to cure you with it too, if only you would look at all you have to be positive and thankful for.. yeah I am but … I also am now acknowledging the feelings and emotions and the impacts they have especially when I am triggered. It is also really important to let people vent, I for one know when I vent on my blog, it can be a release for me or it can enable me to see sometimes why i respond in the manner I do. As usual Ashley great post

  24. Thank you for sharing this it was definitely something I needed to read today. Given that most of us have all got a bit more time on our hands lately it’s so easy to get bogged down in that “but I could have it worse” mentality and the guilt that comes with it, and it just ends up making you feel even more crappy. The situation could definitely be worse, but like you say, it could also be better. We’re all having a tough time right now and making others feel shitty by trying to say this person or this person has it worse is not okay.

    This was a great read and it’s reminded me that it’s okay to feel crappy right now, so thank you. xxx

  25. I came across this post while doing my own reading up on toxic positivity. I’ve been reading up on this topic more (as I think it’s relevant to the coronavirus), but reading this is helping to confirm what I’ve thought…that sometimes allowing emotions (negative and positive) to be there seems to often be best.

  26. You know I have real deep thoughts with this term ” Toxic Positivity” I see what people are going with this term, but honestly i didn’t like it at first. I enjoy and love positive vibes though at the same time I can be aware. And that awareness is that I have a bad past with my Abusive Mother, been through f-ed up mess in the past, etc. However since this term is getting some where, where there’s a reason that we shouldn’t feel happy all the time due to a trigger, mental health, tragic past, or that time of a concerness, its reasonable. Again However, I have a fear where this term can be used in a wrong way where kids or young adults can use it as an excuse to not make themselves feel better( not just better but mentally healthy). They will either as an excusable shield, For example, these people will go back using depression as an excuse and if you’re trying to make them feel better they will shout out “OMG TOXIC POSITIVITY STAY AWAY!” therefore they will have a brand new excuse within a excuse( Not offending people who actually have depression, just the people who can get away with phony shields and excuses)Another example will be trying to help people who doesn’t want to work( I understand most people are unemployed and struggled finding work) like for example
    Parent of a 27 young adult that take advantage of her nice parents credit card or money, will say

    Parent: Sweetie don’t you think its best for you to find you a job.

    YA: OMG no mom!! can’t you see music is my life( plays her guitar)

    Parent: im sure one day sweetie that you will be happy if you only work at least a grocery store some-

    YA: No mom I’m fine with you giving me money! I don’t want a stupid job! and quit using your help and Toxic Positivity to encourage me to get one.

    Parent: Sweetie I’m saying this because its the real world and you do need to pay your late fees on your car….( she’s trying to be nice, yet in the inside shes has a cause to be upset because her credit card has been sucked up by her daughter. She’s doing her best to help, she isn’t try to spread positivity. Shes trying to spread awareness.)

    I see what people is going with this term, And i understand people can feel a different emotion but i still feel that sometimes people can go way too far and using it as a free pass/shield for people not to get help or to beware.
    There’s Also
    beware of children shaming posts that has positivity but never realized that these people can be hurt in the past and doing their best to make themselves feel better. These children can call out the term ” Toxic Positivity” and then make death threats and force them to be upset and make them feel the same way like them. Everyone has a different way of feeling great but doesn’t mean that it should be shamed upon because of people’s enviousness/hatred.

    I do however believe the term ” it’s hard to please people” because it’s true if they chose not to be happy or not to seek help, its hard to even convince them in the first place. It’s not wrong to encourage people for help or positivity, but at the same time be mindful on each person. Everyone situation is different and helping people like this will take some time. Happiness isn’t gifted instantly, but it can be gifted in a responsible timed manner. It take stages for happiness and it takes doors for awareness.

    As for the term Toxic Positivity, i feel like it should be renamed and rephrase into something else. If not, I feel people should be educated in it, instead of taking it as in excuse or shamed to make people feel like its ok to beat themselves up in a dark way, not able to do anything about yourself in a healthy manner or hurt someone who has a different feel good mindset.

    So in conclusion, Don’t excuse Toxic Positivity for Toxic Negativity . People still have different ways to cope and help themselves in different emotions. You don’t have to always feel positive to do so, but don’t excuse yourself for not seeking help, doing something about it or have a healthy mindset. I say this because i care about people’s lives and seeing people committing suicide really devastates me.

    1. I don’t think that we’re defining toxic positivity in the same way. The way I’m using it, and the way that it seems to be used by others I’ve seen writing about it, is to refer to messaging that happiness is the only acceptable way to feel.

      1. Yeah i get that and im sorry if its my own way of seeing this but honestly reading it and understanding it again, I feel as if, it isn’t about just people accepting happiness, i feel as if its more of awareness issue. Cause if were happy 24/7, then i guess its like a sign of us not being aware. But then idk, even happy people can be aware, link to why we’re not happy all the time.

        1. I don’t think any emotions need to be judged as good or bad, because the reality is that there are a lot of emotions humans can feel. It’s part of being human.

          1. That i can agree, but the reason why ive made this long post because it was the first time i heard that term. And like i said, at first the term seems a bit off. Though, the part i get is that people shouldn’t feel happy all the time. Yes we should feel how we feel( happy, sad, mad etc.), but at that moment i was aware that sometimes that term ” Toxic Positivity”can be loose and turn into broad so that people on twitter can take that litteraly and use it as an excuse or attack. Like for example the term ” Cultural appropriation” A term that should be use to educate people who wants to discover culture, but yet twitter and other social media use it as an attack on Anime fans or people who appreciates culture instead. As for the term Toxic positivity. The definition isn’t so bad yet a bit off and mistaken people. The term is supposed to make people feel different other than happy( which is ok), however since its somehow going to be trending soon, we should be careful of using it an a wrong way. Though i like how people like you takes the term seriously and rightfully explained. Yet unlike twitter, people will take any term to make it their perspective to attack without educating themselves with it. And yes i take your advice that were human and that it is ok to feel emotions, but we need to becareful that we don’t use emotions as a weapon, we use them for understanding.

            1. That’s a major issue I’ve noticed only with people latching onto terms without actually knowing what they mean. Narcissist is another term that everyone seems to be talking about these days, but without actually understanding it beyond a very superficial level. I really have no idea how that issue can be be addressed, though.

  27. Excalty, the term narcissist seem to be used a lot with celebrities. Though it really depends if that person is really sketchy like Onision or Dahvie Vanity for example. As for other celebrities who don’t do disturbing mess but use the term out for petty drama, yeah i seen when it goes too far. Though, i would say this, I thank you highly for this post because you have a better understanding and explanation on why positivity can take a break. We do need times where we tried so hard in over lives searching and finding the solution to achieve that goal. For me for example, i wanted to move out from my families place and live on my own. As for the term “Toxic Positivity ” it did happen to me with my mom, but she has anger issues and she controls me. There were dark time where i feel very upset and i feel as if it’s hard for me to move on since I’m 22. I do have a loving bf that cares about my situations. Though as of now, im doing my best writing out my goals ( no matter the emotion), i wanted to become an artist. A painter slash comic illustrator. Though before i do such, I research and question myself a lot. I do go through withdraws where I decide should i be painter instead of a comic artist. I was going to fall into that where i wanted to quit comics because it takes a long time to do. Yet My other mind tells me, that i can’t waste my ideas. So for this solution i take time and look to see which of the methods works for me and i kept going. So as for you, You should keep going too, I like how you help people who needs help mentally especially going though another dark era, which is this pademic. ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you.

  28. This is so true! Sometimes all you have to do is to acknowledge how you really feel in order to address them especially when you feel down or depressed. If you genuinely feel happy then good, but if you’re just pretending to be to show off to people then I guess it needs to be stopped as it might develop some serious issues in the future.

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