The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building through giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience. It’s also a way to introduce you as a reader to some newer members of our community.
This post is by my name-sister Ashley of A day in the life… with mental illness.
The Worst 5 Years of My Life
Warning: Enter at your own risk. Abuse
I’m going to give you a glimpse into the worst 5 years of my life. My emotional, mental, and sexual abuse. My terrors, my fears, how screwed up my brain was. All I ask is that you enter this with an open mind and don’t be quick to judge. This is tough for me to share.
8 years ago I was starting college, new friends, new people, new everything. I was quiet, stuck to my classes and band and basically did what I did in high school, I just sat back. Then I met a guy. We got along so well. We became quick friends. I knew he had a girlfriend and that was fine. I had no interest in him.
Somehow he managed to change that. We went out for lunch between classes one day and the next thing I know is he’s grabbing my boobs across the seat in the car. Completely took me by surprise. Legit I never had a guy interested in me. This was different. Weird. I knew it didn’t feel right. But he knew what to say and what to do to make me forget he had a girlfriend and he basically got me on a string doing whatever he wanted.
Fast forward a little bit and here I am pushing away my family and my friends to hang out with him. He kept telling me he would leave his girlfriend or if I did something sexual I would be the one he picked. I know what you’re thinking, you know better Ashley you wouldn’t do that. Well you’re wrong. I did anything and everything he asked to be picked to be the one wanted. I didn’t realize what he was doing to me until it was too late.
By year 3 into 4 I was starting to realize that he wasn’t going to pick me and I needed to move on. Let me tell you when I say I’ve never seen someone be so mad for me just talking to a guy I mean it. I was threatened. I was punished. He made me believe that I couldn’t survive without him. So what did I do, I stuck with him. I apologized multiple times a day for things I don’t even know why. I started thinking that I was the worst person alive. I was bullied online by him and his girlfriend who to this day has no idea he cheated on her basically their whole relationship. I was bullied by her cousins who didn’t even know me.
Year 5 comes along and I’ve had enough. I actively started looking for a way out. This is when things got scary. I was still hanging out with him. Going to his house. After 5 years I was being used for sex, multiple times a day almost every week. I got to the point where I would tell him no and he thought it was a game. That I was trying to turn him on more. I wasn’t enjoying any of it at all. I fought and he thought it was part of the game.
Then I met Terry. My Godsend. I had to lie to my “friend” that I was talking to him and hanging out with him. But he found out one night because he drove past my apartment, which I found out later he did every day to make sure I was where I said I was. Well when he saw a new car with mine he flipped shit on me. He threatened me, told me Terry only wanted me for sex. Didn’t care about me like him.
Guys I stood up, stood up for myself. What I should have done way before. I told him never to text me again. I told him to leave me alone and what I do is none of his business. He kept trying to tell me that I was a slut and that I was worthless and continued to threaten me. Finally, finally after two months of talking to Terry I got him to leave me alone.
Now three years later, I’m still bothered by what happened. I’m not better, I’m not over what happened. Certain things trigger memories and it’s like PTSD. He’s married to that same girlfriend doing whatever with his life. I literally haven’t thought about him in years. It took awhile but I finally pushed him out of my head.
I have Terry, my family back close to me, my friends. I never want what happened to me happen to someone else. I’ve gotten stronger, yet weaker. I’m more depressed and anxious as ever and have horrible separation anxiety. I still apologize non stop but it’s getting better. Remember friends this was hard for me to share, so kind thoughts only.
Peace and love
Bio: 26 year old nursing student trying to make it through life with a mental illness. Struggling to deal with my issues and be the best I can be. Trying to reach out to as many people as I can.
Ashley’s blog is A day in the life… with mental illness.
Thanks so much Ashley for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the series posts in the emerging blogger directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- you have a personal (rather than business-oriented) blog that’s focused primarily on mental health/illness
- you’re a new(ish) blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL
- don’t think of this as having to “pitch” an idea – I’m just trying to make sure people actually fit the criteria and spirit of the series