The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building through giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience. It’s also a way to introduce you as a reader to some newer members of our community.
This post is by Mad In Madagascar.
This is part 2 of her story; you can find part 1 here.
Spiralling Out of Control: Hospitalized for Schizoaffective Disorder – Part 2
You can find part 1 here.
11:52 am Sat, March 19th 2016.
Goodmorning Log! I am starting out my self-imposed writer’s retreat here at the restaurant for my lunch. I just spoke with the proprietor of the retreat and she is getting the spa ready for Nicola and I. They have a spa that is privately used by each guest so we have it all afternoon today with refreshments provided. I just realized that I should have mentioned I was celebrating 6 months sober today. Today is my sober anniversary! “Birthday” as they say at AA but I find that very confusing. I hoped for a quiet café with a big table for writing and that is exactly what I got. I’ll just keep the coffee flowing and fuel my hypo-manic writing…
I don’t think I’m really hypomanic I just had a lot of fun hanging out with Sam last night and getting laid. Then there were good songs to listen to on the drive up here. Writing is an endeavor that gets you all worked up and sweaty – so it’s good to have coffee to go along with it. Now my big breakfast-lunch is here. Yummy. So ya, Sexy Sam. He texted me last night and said:
“I’ve got lots of energy and need to get some exercise, release some endorphins, you horny?”
I’m like “Ya, but I have to have a quiet night tonight”.
I had just brushed my ex off for his planned pseudo-anniversary dinner…So I was impulsively at the VIP section of the movie cinema watching “45 Years” a movie about old people being boring. It was a perfect ‘calm me down’ activitiy for me. Low stimulation. As Dr. B. would say. But the stimuli was still texting me saying “Think about it, I can be out of there by 10:00”. He is the best fuck partner. So I was like:
“Meet me at 8:30”.
Ha ha ha. I’m so naughty. It was super amazing. We were sexting as he rode the bus over so he knew exactly what I wanted him to do. So I ‘got mine’ as it were and he fucked me and we came and then he was like:
“I’m still hard, we can go again”.
So lickity split (ha) that is what we did and we came again and all was lovely.
Then we snuggled and he made me laugh with a hilarious comedy routine. He’s like:
“Thanks a lot, I’ll be here for another half hour…”
Ha ha. I love him. His comedy was about the Piltdown Hoax because that is what I’m doing with my time, marking all these essays. It was about 25 years in the future and we had all these kids and the youngest one wasn’t writing her essay on the Piltdown Hoax. So he was yelling to her in a British accent (because I told him Piltdown is in England).
“You’re never going to get into university if you don’t research your essay on the Piltdown Hoax”.
OMG he went on and on it was hilarious. I love how he thinks. He was going on about Piltdown which he didn’t know the first thing about so it was quite funny. He is precious to me. He was probably ready to go a third time but we didn’t. He joked about it and he was all like
“one of these days we’ll do it three times”.
Bless him. I love his voice. He was holding me and doing this hilarious sexualized verison of a guided relaxation since that is something his mom taught him. He was like
“You are in a beautiful place, maybe a beach or a forest. Listen to the sound of my voice. You breathe deeply letting the breath fill your body to your toes. Now the breath fills your breasts to your pointy nipples..”
Then he stops and starts laughing. He has a funny giggle and he lets me tickle and cuddle him unlike SOME people! Honestly, it was the best time together and I woke up happy and energized for the first time this week. So when Dr. B. is all like “No stimulation!” I think that having sex with Sam doesn’t count because how could something so good be bad? That is the question. Some people might argue that my judgement is still impaired. When I ordered my vehicle from AVIS a week ago I requested a full sized sedan type car. It was only 10$ more so I was like,
“What’s the big deal? I deserve luxury”.
Well, I guess a full sized sedan car is equal to a large SUV because that is what they decide to give me. When I saw it I was just like
“Oh No, it’s Banff all over again”.
I do not need an SUV it is quite excessive. But anyway, who cares? Gas mileage is a foreign concept to me. I am celebrating life and freedom from the hospital lock up and of course 6 months sober. Today is the anniversary but I will also be celebrating on Sunday night with dinner out with the friends. Then on Tuesday night I have my chip presentation at AA. I called ahead to my sponsor Cassy to ensure it would happen. What does 6 months sober mean to me dear log? It means more stability in my life, fewer hangovers and whoopsies such as head injuries. It means recovery from gambling addiction and somewhat recovery from sex-addiction. All in all it is something I cherish and am very proud of. When the nicer psychiatrist lady interviewed me at the end of my stay she was like
“And you have been sober 6 months, that’s pretty cool”.
And I started bawling my eyes out and chocking and being all like
Ha ha ha. It brings a tear to my mind’s eye even now thinking of my journey down recovery road these past 6 months…It is hard to believe that much time has passed. That’s how I was feeling on Thursday at my guest lecture adventure. I was like
“So it has been since 2002 since I’ve been here which is – 14 years! –“.
Ya, 14 years since I was there and I went and saw my photo in the hall for the first time. Lisa pointed it out to me. She was like
“But surely you’ve seen that photo before?”
“But don’t you have the prints at home? I mean you posed for it. Didn’t you order the prints?”
“No, I was too poor back then….”
It’s funny to look back and see how insidiously poverty affected my life. So many choices I made were based on me not having any money. It seems like a bit of a shame. Luckily now, because of my disability income, I don’t have that problem. I have the problem of gauging when I should pay for what I deserve vs. when I should be frugal. This holiday is a perfect example. Dr. B. poo-pooed it in her own way. As in not overtly taking a stance. She’s like
“Do you have enough money for that?”
“Yes and no”
To which she expected an elaboration so I elaborated but just to say I can’t make a habit out of it. The truth is I use credit in a way to live the lifestyle I know I can’t afford but that I feel I deserve. Does someone who just got hospitalized for a suicidal thinking spree deserve to go to the spa? Ummmm Yes! Is it a healthy choice to decide to get out of your living situation to gain a little perspective on a road trip to a fabulous hamlet? Yes.
I am now back from the bathroom after drinking 2.5 cups of coffee which is in addition to my allowed daily intake of 1.5 cups. Too much coffee fuels my hypomania say some. When the lady is back I’m going to pay up and navigate to my hotel, it is now sometime between 1:00pm and 1:30 pm as my phone has died. Wow it got a little busy and the waitress was gone for a long time and just came in the front door with arms full of bags of frozen foods. She is hard working so I kinda don’t want to trouble her for the bill. Talk to you soon from the farm/spa. I hope they have animals!
The author of this blog lives and works in Canada and Madagascar. She has a PhD and is diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. These diaries span the years from age 9 to 40 and follow the author from country to country as she builds her career researching primates; always battling depression, mania, anxiety, addiction and psychosis.
You can find the author on her blog Mad In Madagascar.
Thanks so much Mad in Madagascar for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the posts in the series directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- personal blog focused primarily on mental health and illness
- relatively new blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL