The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building by giving new mental health a chance to have their work seen by a wider audience and connect with other members of the blogging community.
This post is by Karen of Life of a Bipolar Girl.
THE THINGS I NEVER TALK ABOUT OR SAY OUT LOUD
There are so many things I keep to myself. Things about my condition I never talk about. I wouldn’t even know how to start up a conversation about them. Some things I want to say but its easier just to keep it all to myself rather than try help anyone understand. It was easy to get a few of these things down in text form but it hasn’t been easy building up the courage to post. But I’m feeling brave today so here goes.
My symptoms scare me.
There is nothing that scares me more than how rapid my mood can change. Its unpredictability in the way it switches. The Times I do recognise the shift scares me still because I know all too well what’s to come. When I start to feel my world around me crumbling I know I’m going to have to fight my demons. The emptiness I feel deep inside me like a switch to my feelings has been switched off. I know when this happens I’m going to visit the darkest parts of depression. The thoughts and feelings I know are coming once I’m there. I wonder if it’s possible to die from sadness I’ll feel.
The fear of mania can sometimes consume me. The consequences of my actions I have to face when I become so manic I self destruct. How exhausted I know it’s going to leave me.
It scares me each night I go to bed never knowing what tomorrow’s mood will be.
I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MYSELF MORE TIMES THAN ANYONE ELSE COULD.
I am fully aware of how I’m difficult to be around at times. How hard it must be for those around me to have patience. I understand how it is quite easy for other people just get fed up of me at times and get tired of me, God I’m tired of me too. Hearing those two little words from a person I love “I’m done” cuts me like a knife. Those two words hurt my soul. It doesn’t matter if they are said out of frustration because I’ve had a lot of bad days or if it’s said in the heat of the moment because we are having a row. It hurts all the same. It makes me feel like I’m all alone in the world. It makes me feel that I’m better off alone, because how can I make anyone happy when they have to put up with my symptoms of bipolar. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work.
I don’t need a reason to be upset (in any mood)
If I knew why I felt the way I do, I would try to fix it. If I’m upset there is a reason even if it makes no sense to anyone else that feeling is real to me. It makes it so much worse when people ask me why I’m crying why I’m upset and then tell me I’m being silly, oh stop it now, that’s pathetic. This just makes the crying worse. My feelings are my own. I can’t help what makes me upset but I wish people would understand that I’m feeling it anyway it’s real.
I’m completely normal.
Bipolar does not define me. I’m still a person. I’m not broken. I might feel things more deeply than other people but I have feelings all the same. I might face different challenges and need medication to keep me stable but that doesn’t mean I’m crazy.
I find it offensive when people casually refer to things as bipolar.
I’m far too familiar of when things are said to be bipolar. It’s offensive.
I.e. I went bipolar shopping. (A phrase I’ve heard when a person has splurged impulsively) We all splurge from time to time and not people who only have bipolar overspend or buy things of no use. Don’t label me with that. Every time I go shopping I go having bipolar. It doesn’t matter what my cycle is at. I don’t have a day off from it I live it every day. That doesn’t mean that every time I shop I’m spending erratically. I can shop the same as anyone else.
“Look at the weather it’s so bipolar.”
No that’s your complete ignorance and lack of understanding to what it really is to have bipolar. An uneducated opinion that being bipolar means you are either up or down happy or sad.
You can find Karen on her blog Life of a Bipolar Girl.
Thanks so much Karen for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the series posts in the community features directory.
Do you want to be the next emerging blogger?
- you have a personal (rather than business-oriented) blog that’s focused primarily on mental health/illness
- you’re a new(ish) blogger, with WordPress following <100 preferred
Interested? If you fit the criteria above:
- email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com
- let me know the topic you’d like to write about and include your blog name/URL