Emerging Blogger Series: Lost In My Head

The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building through giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience.  It’s also a way to introduce you as a reader to some newer members of our community.

This post is from Lost In My Head.

woman with boxing gloves on

Image by Alexey Klen from Pixabay

I Am a Bipolar Warrior

Bi-polar is very two edged. I feel like people with bi-polar are their own very special breed that will never go extinct. We all have more than one side to our personality. I have about 6 and it seems to change depending on who I’m around. Typically we have our ‘good’ side and our ‘bad’ side. Everyone has a bad side but ours can sneak up and bite cha. It’s really hard for us to hide our very intense emotions. It always shows in our voice, facial expression, and body language. We are misunderstood by so many. Unless you are bi-polar you couldn’t imagine what it’s like to live with our brains. I have day dreamed about what it would be like to have a healthy brain. I would give up a lot to have a healthy brain.

It’s whatever if someone we don’t care about doesn’t understand, but it’s really hard when someone you care about doesn’t understand. They say things like “Have you taken your medication? Get up and do something. Just snap out of it. It’s the devil taking over. You need God in your life. Control yourself. Stop and think… etc”. Those are not the things you should say to someone with bi-polar. We cannot help what we think or how we feel at the moment. It takes a lot of effort to not let your thoughts take over your body. I know going to church is helpful, I know staying busy is helpful, getting out of the house is helpful… but sometimes our depression is so bad it takes everything we have to just stay alive. When someone tells you to snap out of it or do this or that… it’s like telling someone to walk without legs.

Despite all of the negative stigma… I think the worse part of all of this is how bad you hurt the ones you love the most with your actions, words, and tone of voice. My granny is the most important person to me and I have been so mean to her in the past. I am so thankful that she understands me and just over looks me.

We are very sensitive creatures who need more love and understanding than most. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and love like no other. We are very intelligent, strong, and loyal. We would give you the shirts off our back and we fight for what we believe in.

I am not trying to make anyone feel sorry for us. I am just trying to help you understand what it’s like to be us. Bi-polar is really what you make it. It can control you or rob you of a lot of things if you let it. Or you can fight to win the battle instead of letting it take over your life or define you. Learn about your illness, find a really good doctor and therapist, stay away from drugs, and limit alcohol. Follow a healthy diet (Mediterranean diet) and exercise. Take your medication and keep a journal. Analyze your body every day and take notes to give your doctor. Don’t give up. It took me 9 years to find the right medication. FIGHT! Don’t give up! Don’t let bi-polar rob you of intimate relationships, love, and happiness like I have. It’s very lonely.

My blog is my online journal. I talk about my day to day life and expose what I go through every day. It’s been a lot better over the last 6 weeks but before that I was living in pure hell. I am hoping that I am close to winning the battle with bi-polar. I know it will never go away and I will never be fully in charge, but finding what works for me is the best thing I can do. When I was younger I was mostly manic but now I experience more depression. I put in a lot of work to do things that lessen the intensity of my depression and limit how often I cycle. I am a rapid cycler so small changes really help. I hope this blog reaches the right people. I seriously have a story to tell and I really think I could change lives with my words. I am doing very well right now but I have been to hell and back. I was living in hell for the past 3 years.

ABOUT ME

I am a 30 year old woman with a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering with a severe case of bipolar 1. I am a very attractive and independent woman with a nice body (so I’ve been told by many). Looks don’t matter though…… but I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 17 years old. I’ve been on 3 dates my whole life and I haven’t had a sexual relationship with anyone in almost 4 years. I have a past history of drug use and alcohol abuse, but I do not do drugs or drink anymore. I have one friend that I barely talk to. I am an anti-social loner and have been this way since my first psychosis in 2010. It completely changed me and I have been struggling with life ever since then. I know there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me and there are a lot of people who are bi-polar and live very successful and productive lives… Some people may think I am successful but I have never had a job longer than 8 months. My life has been crazy and pure hell over the past 9 years. I’ve been hospitalized four times and I have had 3 psychotic breaks (psychosis). I’ve totalled 3 cars, dropped out of school, I’ve been charged with reckless driving and I have a misdemeanor larceny for trying to save a dog (I thought God was telling me to)… Bi-polar has stolen a lot from me….. intimate relationships, success, love, happiness and my good driving and criminal record. I will take it back one day. I have given up in the past, and let it take over my life… but now I am back on my feet and stronger than I have ever been. I like to call myself J-I Jane because I am a bipolar warrior. I refuse to give up fighting this battle with bipolar. If you would like to know more about me, please follow my blog. Be patient with me… I am still trying to figure things out… and I know I don’t have good written communication skills. (I am dyslexic)

 

You can find the author on her blog Lost In My Head.

 

Thanks so much for participating in the emerging blogger series!

You can find a listing of all of the posts in the series directory.  If you’re interested in participating in the series, the directory also has the details on that.

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Have you checked out my new book Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis?  It’s available on Amazon and other major ebook retailers.  It’s also available on the Mental Health @ Home Store, along with my first book, Psych Meds Made Simple.

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20 thoughts on “Emerging Blogger Series: Lost In My Head

  1. Kari Anne Watterson says:

    I love that — you ARE a warrior. You are courage personified. You are fighting to claim your life. Your message is inspiring to me, and I’m sure will touch so many others. Thank you for sharing your story. And thanks, Ashley, for this safe community you’ve created.

    • lostinmyhead07 says:

      Thank you! Me too! That really gives me hope to know there is still time for love. I still have a lot of room for growth before I am ready but knowing that it does happen later in life makes me feel even better.

  2. Meg says:

    Hi, new blogger! God bless what you’ve been through! This blog post really gave me some insight into a lot of issues!! I have bipolar (and other issues), but my bipolar is better medicated than the other stuff. Your blog post has given me a lot of insight into what bipolar could be like if it’s a day-to-day sort of problem. You hang in there! I’m inspired by your good attitude!

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