The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building by giving new mental health a chance to have their work seen by a wider audience and connect with other members of the blogging community.
This post is by Michelle from MichelleWriterBlog.
You Truly Are Beautiful
The therapist hands me a mirror. I take it and stare at my reflection.
“I want you to look at yourself in the mirror while telling yourself that you’re beautiful,” my therapist says.
As I stare at myself, I can’t find my voice. I don’t see a beautiful girl staring back at me. My reflection shows a girl with pudgy cheeks that look like they are storing nuts like a chipmunk. She has frizzy hair that looks like it hasn’t been brushed in days. Pimples cover her face. Her complexion is so off that no person would ever want anything to do with her. I’m ugly just like everyone says.
Tears roll down my cheeks. “I-I am b-b-beautiful,” I say while turning away from my reflection.
“You have to look at yourself and say it,” she reminds me. “I am beautiful.”
I stare at myself. I hate this. There is nothing beautiful about me. I am fat. I am ugly. I have no friends. I am failing school. I scare people away. Why would I say a lie to myself?
“I … am … beautiful,” I say to myself between sobs.
“Why is it hard for you to see yourself as beautiful?”
“Because I’m not beautiful.”
“I want you to keep saying it to yourself until you believe that you are.”
While staring at my ugly self in the mirror, I say it over and over until the words come out without me breaking down.
This exact scene happened to me a few years ago after I developed an eating disorder. I thought I needed to look a certain way to get guys I liked to want to date me. I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time from starving myself. After my family caught on to what I was doing, I later became bulimic. This lasted for many years. I still make slip ups when my anxiety gets bad but I am mostly recovered now.
It is extremely difficult to see yourself as beautiful these days. The standard of beauty is based on photo shop and not on real beauty. You’re expected to have no fat on your body. You shouldn’t have hips. Your waist is supposed to be tiny. Your legs have to be stick thin. You have to fit in size zero clothes.
We are all beautiful as we are. Our bodies are the shape they are meant to be and what a real body is supposed to look like. You should be able to look in the mirror without picking out every inch of your body that you think doesn’t compare with a photo shopped model.
Women are supposed to have hips and thick thighs. We are supposed to have stretch marks after giving birth. We are supposed to have curves and flabby arms.
If you ever forget that you are beautiful, you should watch the Dove Evolution commercial. It shows a model a model preparing for her photo shoot. You also get to see the process where they photo shop her body. You get to see what she looks without makeup and with makeup. They go in photo shop and change her neck, eyes, cheeks and lips. By the end of the video, she looks nothing like she did in the beginning.
You are naturally beautiful as you are. Don’t starve yourself or strive to change your body for anyone.
My name is Michelle Tikalsky. I am an indie author. I have self-published my first young adult novel, Shattered, and plan to publish more books. This blog is where I can share my life experiences and how I deal with my anxiety. MichelleWriterBlog
Thanks so much Michelle for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find the rest of the posts in the series, as well as the criteria for participating, on the Community Features page.