The emerging blogger series is aimed at community building through giving mental health bloggers who are early in their blogging evolution the opportunity to have their work seen by a wider audience. It’s also a way to introduce you as a reader to some newer members of our community.
This post is by Mike and Kayleigh Marie, alters in the same system from Our Dissociative Identity Disorder Journey. Katy Mae makes an appearance as well.
We Fell in Love Too
Life can suck sometimes. For the longest time, we stopped writing on our blog because it seemed, redundant. How many posts can you post about DiD before things become… stagnant.
Well, we were encouraged to write, so we thought tonight, we would write about someone close to our hearts and not that far away. This situation comes with a caveat – This person may not be in love with us.
Our recovery really began 6 years ago – We were a wreck in every way possible as anyone who knows and loves us will attest to. We had no path. People in our lives didn’t know what to do. When we put down the bottle, everything changed.
People so close to our hearts stuck with us, through the hardest parts – They never gave up hope even after we had given up on ourselves, time and time again. Loved ones back home stuck with us through the worst of times. You know who you are and we are eternally grateful.
It was the sobriety and the discovery of Ms. Mae that changed everything. Literally and absolutely everything. By the time our loved ones watched us fall into the pit of despair, a woman entered our lives and we were never the same after that.
Over the course of our recovery, we began to trust this woman – she did and said things that we had never experienced before. The kindest heart of anyone we have ever met – The most beautiful woman alive. As we wrestled with depression and suicide she was there, always there.
It was our daughter, Katy Mae, that decided she was the woman for us – A family decision (Romance and DiD can be a TRICKY situation). The problem is, this person is unavailable. She has her own family, her own life that seemingly, she doesn’t want to share with us. For over 6 years now, we have never touched, or kissed, or held this person’s hand, although we want to – It’s hell. We have had to learn how to be in this woman’s presence without the beauty of touch, without the benefit of intimacy. Which has cost us, dearly.
Throughout the battle of finding ourselves, this person, has remained still, no matter how hard we battled her. She’s what you would call a closed book. She doesn’t like being the focus of anyone’s attention and all we want to do is give her ours.
Despite our claims that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, she cannot accept that fact – or won’t. We are wrong, she claims. She would rather us be wrong than accept a truth that is clearly demonstrable. She exists and that’s all the proof we need.
Invincible is how she makes us feel (An echo, when the time is right). That we, with her can take on the entire world. She makes us feel as though nothing can stop us and nothing will.
Sadly, we spend much more time away from her than with her, which is just as horrible and lonely as you might imagine. We don’t think she even understands. We question, if she has actually ever been in real love, ever. Many indicators would point to the fact that she hasn’t. Perhaps we are wrong, again.
Kayleigh Marie, in her own way, has finally had enough and spoke for us today, in a calm and tempered manner. A testament to her growth considering how furious she is. She’s tired of watching the rest of us suffer while this woman has our hearts in her back pocket, running around town. Kayleigh herself, an intimacy altar, has been decimated by being in love with someone she cannot even touch.
The decision was made, today to finally say in a collective voice “Make up your mind”. We told this woman that if she cannot give us her heart and soul (Which would be devastating but understandable) that she should tell us this, so that we can release our hearts and souls from her and continue on our path of recovery. We wait. We don’t want to find anyone else, we really don’t.
Too much time has gone by, too many lonely and empty nights away from this person has finally taken it’s final toll. We all, all of us, are tired of this constant hell – Not being able to see and speak and touch this person that refuses to give up on us. No matter how hard we, or Kayleigh has pushed (And in some cases, shoved) this woman always returns.
There are things this person has said and done that no one has. She’s beautiful and stunning every way and we have reminded her of that, daily, for years (Seriously). We refuse to sit at the wall she creates and remain silent. Many of the things we say and do, she has never heard or experienced (Her own words). We do feel privileged in that, we are able to do and say these things for and to her. It’s our greatest pleasure and always has been. But at what cost, to us?
Maybe she will read this, maybe she won’t but that’s not the point. We are tired and hurting and lonely. Exasperated is perhaps the best word we can use to describe our current emotional situation. This post will come as a surprise to loved ones and friends because up until this point, we have never talked about this person.
We are kind closed books in this regard. We sometimes have a hard time expressing ourselves, we find ourselves awkward in recovery. The time has come however, to write about this person because she is a part of our lives. We promised to share our lives with our loved ones, in recovery. We will see fit to that promise.
We thought an honest post about how we are feeling was in order, considering the stagnation we are currently experiencing. We fell in love, real love, in recovery and oh, what a horrible and wonderful condition it is. Kayleigh’s paradox remains true to form.
Until next time, lovely readers.
You can find Mike, Kayleigh-Marie, and the others in their system on Our Dissociative Identity Disorder Journey.
Thanks so much to Mike and Kayleigh Marie for participating in the emerging blogger series!
You can find a listing of all of the posts in the series here.
Once or twice a week I’ll publish emerging blogger mental health-themed guest post(s) by bloggers who are early on in their mental health blogging evolution, with priority given to those whose blog has less than 50 WordPress followers. The focus is on community-building rather than just a one-off guest post.
If you’re interested in being featured in the emerging blogger series, email me at mentalhealthathome (at) gmail (dot) com with a brief description of what you’d like to write about and your blog name/URL. I’m looking for bloggers who have already had some form of connection with me or my blog, who have blogs that are focused on mental health, and who will contribute posts that are relevant to a broad mental health blogger audience. Although I may make occasional exceptions for bloggers that I have an established relationship with, generally blogs that serve a primarily commercial purpose will not be considered.