I got thinking about this recently after talking with a blogger friend who has the amazing ability to optimistically see the silver lining in almost any dark cloud, and I very much do not. It makes me wonder, though, whether that makes me a pessimist, or am I just a realist?
To start off, it’s good to know what exactly we’re talking about. Google provides us with the following definitions:
- Realism: the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly
- Pessimism: a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or confidence in the future
- Optimism: hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something
To throw in one more definition that seems relevant, Wikipedia defines the cognitive distortion known as fortune-telling as “predicting outcomes (usually negative) of events.”
Optimism
Let’s start with optimism. Wouldn’t being certain that a positive outcome will happen be just another form of fortune-telling? What about hoping for a positive outcome when there’s no realistic evidence to suggest that it’s likely or even possible? If things have been going in a certain direction, turning out differently might require a major course correction, and not everything is going to get better. I’m not convinced that it’s helpful or productive it is to anticipate that that’s likely to happen. Does it potentially just set you up for disappointment if you’ve been hoping for something that’s unlikely to happen?
I’m sure in some ways being optimistic is a more pleasant way to go through life. I used to be pretty optimistic myself. But when the world kicks you down enough times, it’s hard to ignore all the negative. Absolutely, we should try to appreciate the positive around us, but the way I look at it, optimism is about expecting certain good things to happen in the future, while appreciating the positive is much more grounded in the present moment.
Then there’s toxic positivity, the expectation that everything must be positive all of the time. That’s not helping anyone.
Pessimism
Problematic pessimism is kind of like problematic optimism, just in the reverse direction. There’s still that element of fortune telling to it. If things are chugging along in neutral, there’s not necessarily evidence to suggest that the train is going to derail around the next corner.
Pessimism can also easily turn into using past events to predict negative events in the future, even if the variables that produce those consequences are fully outside of one’s control. The dark cloud of mental illness can make it easy to fall into that trap and feel oh-so-certain about the conclusions we draw.
What comes to mind is that gamblers may slip into the belief that if the number 12 came up in the lottery last week, there’s no chance of it coming up again this week. It just doesn’t work that way. Past negatives don’t necessarily predict future negatives. A more real-life example of this is the idea that because past friendships or romantic relationships have been unsuccessful, any future relationships are doomed. Interpersonal relationship success depends very much on the other person involved, meaning there is a very high degree of uncertainty going on, so fortune-telling in this context doesn’t work very well either.
Realism
I see being a realist as recognizing that things are the way they are, and acceptance of that generally produces the most satisfying results. My own illness has continued along in its treatment-resistant fashion, and it’s been three years since I was last in remission. My realist (or at least I consider it that way) perspective is that unless there’s some sort of magic wand to make things better or a major stressor to trigger a worsening, the illness is most likely going to continue on as is. By accepting that, I’m not wasting mental energy on fighting it or hoping for something to occur that’s unlikely to happen, and instead, I’m focused on finding ways to manage in spite of it.
If factors outside of your control would need to change significantly for a more positive or negative outcome to occur, is there a compelling reason to anticipate that a magic wand will appear and do a little dance, and then those changes will happen? While there may be some things that we can do to control mental illness, the reality for many of us is that a large part of the illness package is out of our control. If I were to plan activities based on the idea of my anhedonia resolving, I’m likely to end up with wasted money on theatre, ballet, and travel tickets.
When certain variables are completely out of our control, whether we’re optimistic or pessimistic, things are going to go down the way they go down, regardless of what we predict/hope for/dread. Sometimes being a realist might mean accepting that there’s inherently a high degree of uncertainty and just riding it out.
Where do you lean?
So, is the glass half full or half empty? Neither. It’s filled 250 mL out of a 500 mL capacity. Not full, not empty, just is.
Do you tend to think of yourself as a pessimist, optimist, or realist?
I am in the realism.
I think that’s the most productive place to be.
Yes. I think so too.
Like you, I believe I’m a realist. Even though my own depression is in remission now, I know that can turn at any moment. I neither expect to stay well, nor do I expect to relapse. Obviously, these situations are out of my control. I think the keyword here is “expect.” Where pessimism and optimism involve expectations, realism does not.
I agree.
I grew up knowing realism from a very young age. The world intruded upon my childhood and perhaps I never actually got one. I’m not complaining about that, it is what it is and no changing it is there? But as a young woman I was very optimistic, had a sunny disposition (despite my inward turmoil and depression). I found joy in simple things like nature and long walks with my dog. Solitude. But again realism in the form of life came around and gradually I became more and more pessimistic, until today I probably would be seen as the definition of a sour puss. Realism, to me, brings pessimism with it. But being too optimistic isn’t a good thing either. Because reality will always be there even if we refuse to see it or deal with it.
Yes it most certainly will.
Oh Ashley…I am not any of your friends. I am definitely a pessimist. And I hate it. I fortune tell the worst possible outcome. And I guess it’s because I’m afraid of disappointment. I need to get blood drawn, I am scared to death, because I am afraid I will have a bad experience. I have had bad experiences in the past, but only because of my fear. I set myself up…afraid..and then I panic. It’s awful. I then get down on myself for being this way. I wish I could ride the waves and be a realist. How do I change that? I am a total fortune teller. Great article.
That’s definitely something that’s changeable, and therapy (and of course a whole lot of hard work) can help.
After reading this, I guess I fall more into the category of realist. But throughout my years of dealing with depression and anxiety- I have rolled from extreme optimist to extreme pessimist and everywhere in between. To find a level ground would be a wonderful thing to me. And I guess realist is just that…the level ground. I am realizing so much is out of my control. Sure, I still stress about that very fact. I’ve never considered to be from the perspective of wanting to actually control things, but rather living with the impending fear of the worst happening. The more I read your blogs, the more my eyes open to so many possibilities of seeing things. Thanks for all that you share!!!
Thanks 🤗 That loss of control is such a huge psychological barrier to overcome.
Thanks!
This is a very timely post for me, as I’ve been trying to sort out these very questions for myself! My husband is the eternal optimist. When things are looking bleak he can still see the sunny side – always. Me? Well… not so much. After reading this very informative post, I’m afraid I have set up camp in the pessimist side of things, but with potential to move to realist and that right soon 🙂
I have a feeling that if I was living with an optimist I’d be firmly entrenched on the pessimist side. 😉
An idiotic optimist, for sure.
Hey why not!
Still, pretty impressive to be able to hold onto that in the face of illness.
I often tell myself that my pessimism is realism when I am probably just looking through negative lenses. I wish that I could be more optimistic about things though!
Yeah it’s definitely hard.
I think I honestly fall between realism and optimism. I am so hopeful, maybe a bit overly at times, but I also stand on the practical realism side as well.
Like with what I’m going through once again, I know this is temporary, and it sucks balls, but at the same time… I’m hopeful that I will feel better and stronger once this episode passes.
I have no idea if this makes any sense at all, but this is the best I have. LOL!
Yes, it definitely does make sense. I think having that past experience can be really useful to put things in perspective and recognizing they’re temporary.
Thanks, Ashley. Lately, I’m not a 100% sure if I’m making sense lately. LOL!
Honestly… I fall into pessimism.. trying to be realisitc…aiming to be optimistic… I’m so afraid of the situation I will be in the future..my college life (after 12th) will start… I’m afraid I don’t once again become a prey of narcissist… I need many improvements in my life…
I hope the transition goes smoothly.
Thanks..!
No…not life…but habits…mindset…