MHH Depression

Going Through the Motions

I’ve been in Florence that last couple of days and I’m not much of a fan. There are a shit-ton of people here crammed into a small area, many of them in large obnoxious tour groups. I’ve been having quite a bit of derealization to get me through it. Yesterday I walked right over some art that some street vendors had laid out on the sidewalk because I was so disconnected from my surroundings.

My hostel closes between 11am and 2:30pm each day for cleaning. That’s hard because I run out of steam by noonish (more like 10am-ish, to be honest).

It’s becoming clearer that my hope that this trip would help put a dent in my anhedonia was just not realistic. If anything, wandering indifferently through the great Renaissance museums of Florence reminds me just how much of a presence depression is with me on this trip.

The pic above is of Michelangelo’s David. The detail of the veins on the hands and arms was pretty amazing.

35 thoughts on “Going Through the Motions”

  1. why hesitate
    to state
    the fear
    of being
    get off the lithium
    let chips
    me i want steam
    tho it may seem mad
    i m a home body
    thanks mom
    and rip too

  2. Struggling with anhedonia myself at the moment. I can definitely relate to when you feel a certain activity ‘should’ inspire joy or pleasure, and yet you feel drained or completely flat throughout. I hope the depression shifts for you soon.

  3. Sorry your experiencing this.

    The old adage applies here I think

    If you are going to find happiness on the top of that mountaintop

    You will bring it with you.

    Anthony Bourdain who on the surface had enormous success, paid to enjoy the finest food, a millionaire with iconic following.

    Chasing pleasure ends in addiction and suffering. He committed suicide with all those incredible possessions and adulation

    Many have found relief sitting quietly alone exploring the inner world

    Try developing gratitude then give to others without regard for reward

    If one approach does not work change tactics

    The greatest meal served in a luxurious palace leads to hunger in four or five hours.

    Possessions can be lost, approval is external and can change to criticism

    Depending on any external thing to hold our happiness is a total loss

      1. Thanks

        When we are bored or depressed, an opportunity arises

        We can step back, focus, then observe the body sensations connected with our current mood.

        If we let the storyline go, this present moment becomes available.

        Every negative thought or feeling can be met with focus and a small affirmation

        In this moment, right now I accept all of me.

        I shower myself with inner peace, gratitude and approval.

        Change happens in the minute, mundane moments

  4. This is proof that while our environment may impact or depression, it can’t change it. I too am sorry you are experiencing this. For some reason, you strike me a nature traveler. I feel as though it would bring you closer to nature allowing you to see the wonder in the world. Artist and architecture is beautiful to look at but it takes something bigger to wow people like us. I could be wrong but that is how I imagine you to be. Love ya Ash. I’d need a nap by 1 for sure!!

    1. And I am sorry you are feeling numb. I’ve been there myself so often that when I do feel it is overwhelming.

      1. I was typing while driving, I know I should never do it, and my comment is full of errors. I apologize.

  5. Is the food any good? The coffee? Cos that’d just crush my dreams entirely if you tell me those things are shit!

    I don’t have any good advice and it sucks that you are in Florence and feel so shitty 🙁 sorry for you xoxo

    btw, the veins on the hands are cool … but does he have all his bits ?? If yah know what i mean … and are they of ample proportions?? I’ve always wondered why you’d build such a massive sculpture and not give it ample bits … anyway, food for thought. I hope you find a place to chill … xx

    1. Yes, the food and coffee are definitely good.
      David’s bits were very much present and true to life. Hard to judge size with flaccid bits, but I’d say he’s doing pretty well for himself. And uncircumcised.

      1. Well that is a relief!! I’m still holding on to the belief that Italy has the best coffee and food in the world and one day, I might get there 🙂 Think its the only place I want to travel too one day … just for the food and the coffee 😉

        And I’m pleased for David then … as size does matter, really 🙂

  6. Sorry to hear about that dark cloud looming over this well-deserved vacation. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Set realistic expectations to avoid getting too overwhelmed. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts 🙂

  7. It’s so hard travelling on your own … you’re doing really well. Sometimes just talking to a stranger about the weather or how good the coffee is can perk me up. I hope that you can find someone to exchange a few words with, and the weather is warm and the ice cream is good. Take it easy and take baby steps. We’re not expected to be bouncing around in joy every moment, it’s ok to be frustrated by the crowds. You’re doing an amazing thing! I for one am seriously impressed!! Katie xx

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