Here’s what happened in my life over the past week:
- My guinea pig Oreo had been having diarrhea. It stopped, but then it started again, although otherwise she seems ok; Definitely having some guilt about being a bad furbaby mom and not doing tiring tasks like a full cage clean more often.
- I had dinner with my brother. I feel uncomfortable around him. He’s always been very supportive, but I feel like I have nothing to say to him, and I don’t really feel like sharing details of my depressed life. So there’s a lot of awkward silence. I know that he and my parents talk to each other about me; it’s not malicious, but it adds to the discomfort I feel.
- I’ve been visiting my grandma out of town for the later half of the week. She’s 101, and she’s doing remarkably well but has had some significant cognitive decline in the last couple of years. She was always chatty, but now she’ll tell the same stories and ask the same questions over and over because she’s forgotten what she just said a minute ago. It’s a lot more talking than I’m used to, and I feel guilty that sometimes I get annoyed and just want her to stop talking. I also get frustrated because she has health issues that aren’t being addressed. My uncle is a bit clueless about that kind of thing, and my mom lives 5 minutes away but just can’t be bothered, so I feel like to get anything accomplished I need to do the 4-hour drive to come to take her to her next appointment with her GP next month. And who knows if her GP would even pay attention to me anyway.
- I did another couple of writing sessions on my trauma account this week, and I realized that the common thread underlying the friendships that I’ve jettisoned over the last couple of years is that they all minimized the bullying I had experienced and the lasting effects of it. While their motives were probably well-meaning, coming on top of the tremendous invalidation associated with bullying it was more than I can take. I supposed I knew that to some extent before, but it helps me understand why I haven’t wanted to let any of those friends back into my life, and also why I’ve been unwilling to share with my family any details of what happened.
- I’ve been feeling more hopeless and have had flashes of passive suicidal thinking. Not an active wish to die, but more a feeling of what the hell is the point.
- I skipped my regular massage this week because of my visit to Grandma’s. I did make it to one yoga class.
- I think I should start scheduling time in for the books I’ve got on the go, because it’s so easy to get glued to my laptop and not fit in book time.
- I also need to do some more writing, but I’m not feeling particularly inspired at the moment.
How has your week been?