A Heart of Ice – Apathy and Depression

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A few nights ago, there was an accident in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan involving a bus carrying members of a junior hockey team, the Humboldt Broncos, and their coaches.  Fifteen people died, with the majority of them between the ages of 18-20.  This tragedy has dominated the news since then.

And I can’t seem to make myself care.  I watch the news, because that’s part of my routine, and I think move on, you’ve talked about this enough already.  This evening, the news anchor’s voice broke as she read out the names of the deceased, and she was clearly fighting back tears.  Her job is to be cool as a cucumber and she struggles to maintain her composure, while I feel like an ice queen.

This isn’t new.  Depression does this.  It causes apathy that hardens my heart to anyone’s pain but my own.  I recognize that this isn’t who I am, but right now it’s how I experience the world.  I don’t exactly blame myself per se, but at the same time, I’m the only one accountable for my emotions.  There is no one outside of myself that I can blame; only the illness that’s turned my heart to ice.

Jumping off on a bit of a tangent, my brother’s wedding is coming up this summer.  And I don’t care.  I have no interest in going to the wedding, although I will go because that’s what’s expected of me – that’s what I’m “supposed to” do.  I won’t feel happy for him, because my ice heart doesn’t do that.  Cognitively, I know that it’s a positive time for him, but there just isn’t any positive emotion to go along with that.

Maybe global warming will melt my heart of ice.  Or maybe the solid black of my apathy will sink the Titanic all over again.  But now I’m just rambling.

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15 thoughts on “A Heart of Ice – Apathy and Depression”

  1. Sorry things feels hard sometimes. I just want you to know that I don’t think it means you’re a bad person.

    I hope you feel better soon. <3

  2. This happens when we lack for human connection (according to some studies).
    It has something to do with empathy and not knowing how to nurture it to a healthy state.

    PS: On the other side, you are a better fit for the job of giving that kind of news on television.

  3. Your Not a bad Person, When Surviving Nail to tooth is Your main Objective other people and their problems and their pain start to pale so that you focus on your own survival, At least that is how I feel. I am the same with my Cousin’s wedding coming up, I dont really want to go and Im going to lose alot of money from my work by taking off that weekend ..Honest i hardly even know her that well i have been around her since childhood but we arent close and I have only met her boyfriend once which was last christmas…I will also go becuase its expected but yeah Im not to happy about it either…Maybe that is Icy but I feel like it sometimes Is human nature to focus on yourself when your in an Intense state of fight or flight all the time.

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. I’ve never had depression but my mother dealt with it while I was growing up. I’m sure it’s not helpful to hear that things will get better…But they will.

  5. I wonder if the news presenter lost someone she knew in that accident. Not to be harsh, but terrible things like this happen every day, so I’m not sure why she would be tearing up on this one.

  6. Ashley
    You lovely bundle of wisdom and love!
    I deliberately avoid watching the news. If there is no news they create it to fill air time. Labouring the point of the tragedy is filling air time. It has nothing to do with the victims. Your reaction is normal, it’s called ‘news fatigue’ an over kill of the point desensitises people just like seeing too much violence.
    The news survives on giving bad news most of the time it is biased that way.
    So don’t compete with this systematic machine of doom or let it change who you are. 😊

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