Last week was the best week I’ve had in a while, and it’s odd what that can stir up. I have a poor emotional memory, so I wonder was I just making it up that I was feeling shitty before? But at the same time I’m also reluctant to let myself believe that things are actually getting better, because I’m always expecting to be hit by the crazy train. This week was a dip compared to last week, but it was manageable. Here’s a look at what happened in my world this week:
- I saw clients for my non-mental health nursing job four days this week; this involved seeing them in their homes to teach them how to self-inject medication. I was feeling kind of scattered, and there were multiple occasions when I’d start saying something, lose my train of thought, and not be able to find it again. I know I’m doing the best I can, but my confidence really takes a hit when that happens.
- My tummy hasn’t been that happy and I’ve been kind of bloated, which has fed into some body-hating moments.
- I began the process of tackling my trauma through the creation of a trauma account, with the goal being to identify and peel apart the thoughts and emotions and put them into a coherent narrative of the events associated with the trauma. I’ve done 2 writing sessions so far, and while it’s tough, I think it’s going to be productive.
- My mood has been lower than last week, I’ve been anxious, and I’ve felt more tired and physically tense.
- I’ve done a fair bit of writing this week, which has been good, but I’ve got a few pieces that I’ve been working on for a while that just aren’t getting finished, and that’s a bit frustrating.
- A couple months ago I had a meltdown and walked out of a suicide awareness presentation I was doing in a high school class. At the time I’d emailed the community service agency that arranges these presentations to say I was done, and then I didn’t respond to their attempts to contact me. Yesterday I got a letter from them that sounded rather condescending, saying that suicide was a difficult thing to talk about and maybe I would like to do the presentations they have on other topics instead. They said the letter was not intended to be negative (if you feel the need to throw that in, to me that’s a pretty strong indicator that it’s not true). Anyway, it made me feel shitty, and I resent that they felt the need to send this stupid letter.
How has your week been?