Sometimes I think that I’m making progress and the shit from the past has settled down and resumed its rightful place in the past. Maybe I am making progress or maybe I’m not, but every once in a while some of that shit makes an explosive reemergence. It only takes one little nudge in that direction to make things fall apart. There are many metaphors I could use. What originally popped into my head as a title for this post was scratching the surface and breaking the ice. But the straw that broke the camel’s back also seems appropriate, as does getting nudged and falling down the rabbit hole into a depressive whirlpool. I feel like I’m rambling and not making a lot of sense.
I’m in this place of not making sense in my head after something someone said that was not in any way meant to be hurtful. But that slight nudge pointed me in the direction of this particular rabbit hole, and in I plunged headfirst. I had a freeze response, and remember focusing my gaze on my hand suspended in the air. Then the tears began as emotional memories swirled around my head. Those memories had to do with having my fragile self torn to shreds by my manager at one of my jobs, a psychological shit-kicking that is the reason I now refuse to work any shift other than graveyard.
This whole mess happened while I was working a night shift at said job, and I hate when I lose my composure at work. The clients were all asleep, so it was just my coworker around. He was the one that unknowingly triggered my journey down the rabbit hole and then probably wondered what the hell was wrong with me. This particular individual has been subjected to my own personal brand of crazy more than once now, and I would imagine he’s a bit tired of it at this point.
I’m writing this maybe 3 hours after the incident happened. I’ve finally got my composure back, but I feel mentally exhausted. Physically, I’m feeling dizzy and I’m freezing cold. I feel somewhat embarrassed in the sense that I wish my coworker didn’t have to see that, but I recognize it’s not as though I deliberately chose my reaction. Clearly there’s stuff that hasn’t been dealt with, even though I haven’t thought about it for a while.
I could come back and edit this later before I publish it, but I think I’ll leave it as is. My brain feels like a scrambled mess. Down the rabbit hole and shit out the other end. I think I need to keep my stupid mouth shut at work.
Building resilience: A Guided Journal will help you to reflect on and build on your existing internal resources. It’s available as a free download from the MH@H Store.