It’s been kind of a tough week. I’ve been working night shifts the last couple of weeks, so my sleep pattern has been wonky and that certainly makes me more vulnerable. December has brought on a lot of conflicted feelings related to Christmas. I had originally planned to spend Christmas in Cuba with my best friend, but then something happened that made it abundantly clear that she really knew nothing about me, and we haven’t spoken since. I have had a difficult relationship with my parents over the last year and a half; when I’m depressed, I push them away, and I think that’s been very hard for them. They didn’t invite me to come for Christmas this year, and when I let them know I was thinking about coming, the response was lukewarm. They’re probably just struggling in their own way to cope with my illness, but it felt really shitty.
I spent most of my hour-long drive home from work yesterday morning crying. Being sleep-deprived tends to break down the walls I try to build to help me keep a lid on things. To try and cheer myself up a bit I went out and bought some silly little toys for me and the colleague I’ve been working with the last couple weeks, a lovely man who is actually the only person I feel safe with these days. Anyway, instead of acting cheerful about it he gave me a bit of a lecture on how I shouldn’t be spending money on stuff for him. I know he was well-intentioned and not in any way trying to be hurtful, but it unleashed all the other stuff I had been barely holding in. I spent about 2 hours crying at work last night (luckily the clients were asleep so none of them saw me), and then cried some more on my drive home this morning.
I feel pathetic. I usually try not to beat myself up too much about my depression unleashing itself on the world around me, but I hate crying at work. It’s the one setting where I feel like I really should be able to hold it together. Except realistically that’s not always going to be the case. So I guess I need to let it go and accept that sometimes the wheels are just going to fall off, but tonight I will get some sleep and tomorrow will be a new day.
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