There have been a lot of horrific events in the news lately. Hurricanes, the mass shooting in Las Vegas, terror attacks… As I saw these events on the news, I knew cognitively how terrible they were, but on an emotional level, I just felt nothing. I am not a cruel, heartless sort of person, but I still felt nothing.
Many people have some idea of the “gifts” that depression gives: low mood, anxiety, suicidal thoughts. There is often less familiarity with what depression steals away from those who suffer from it. Anhedonia refers to the inability to feel pleasure, and apathy refers to a lack of interest. These deficits that people can experience due to depression may sound relatively minor, but in fact they can be soul-destroying.
Part of what makes us human is the ability to feel things in response to what is happening around us. If depression takes that away, what does that do to our humanity? I feel like a monster for not caring about tragic devastation and loss of life, but it’s as though the ability to feel in that way has been turned off in my brain and my heart, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to turn it back on.
Depression can leave a darkness and emptiness on the inside that can’t be lit up no matter how bright the sun shines. Perhaps that is harder to understand than that which depression giveth, but the greatest impact on my life has without question come from that which depression taketh away.